1. Nick Offerman
In terms of pure mustachioed impact, Nick is number one; he deserves a lifetime achievement award for his finely combed face bush. His is not the affect of a pseudo-eccentric artist, but the firm declaration of a manhood that seems to slipping from society today. He makes me want to go into the woods, cut down some trees and build a cabin, then fix the plumbing of everyone on my block, all before tucking into a mighty ribeye. Then meeting a fellow lumberjack for lunch.
2. David Lowery
It would not be surprising if Lowery, the writer/director of Ain’t Them Bodies Saints, shaved off the remaining hair on his head and used it to reinforce this incredibly thick lip fur. He looks like one of those old time boxers who tossed fisticuffs at traveling carnivals. This is an accomplishment and proof that hard work and a willingness to look silly for a while — growing it couldn’t have been fun — pays off.
3. James Earl Jones
An immensely accomplished thespian, JEJ almost looks like his mustache is taped on, so well-defined are his whiskers. If you’re looking for dignified staches, look no further. Integrity defined.
4. Steve Harvey
Another supremely sculpted mustache, thick and fully engulfing the upper lip. Mr. Harvey just got a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, and let’s not pretend that his brilliant bristle isn’t a major source of his success.
5. Ewan McGregor
This mustache is adjoined by chops and a lower labial spurt, but there is no chin strap, and nothing is connected, so let’s count it. After all, this took careful planning by the British star, and it was a nice effort to avoid the paparazzo, even if it obviously didn’t work out.
6. Jason Schwartzman
Find me someone who doesn’t like Jason Schwartzman. Seriously, find me someone; I will sternly talk some sense into that obviously misguided soul. Jason is a gentle gift to show business, embodying all that is good in this world. That mustache is part of a package that just pushes you toward tenderness to your fellow human.
7. Michael Ginsberg
A fictional mustache, sure, but no less important. It is the late ‘60’s, the world is in turmoil, and it seems like only Ginsberg is tapped into the global distress signals. If you ever worry that your life’s work is vapid and useless, and that you’re a cog in a corporate machine that will suck you dry and then toss you aside the moment you’re tapped, wasting all of your precious potential and youth, well, Ginsberg is your man and your mustache.
8. Paul Rudd
The only double member of this list, Paul Rudd can shape his stache to convey a whole range of complicated emotions. In Prince Avalanche, his thick and angled mustache screams loneliness and confusion; his reborn Anchorman handlebar beams confidence, even if it’s misguided. According to Paul Rudd’s mustaches, it’s okay to be complicated, which is an important message for us all.
9. Ethan Hawke
With two hit movies this summer (Before Midnight and The Purge), it’s a good time to be Ethan Hawke, and he’s celebrating with a whispy comb mustache. Obviously, the two are connected.
10. Tom Hanks
Ah, our wise and eminently lovable Tom Hanks. His is a mustache that just sings us to sleep, an old school stretch across his lip in stark black tone. Of course it makes us feel so safe; Hanks grew it to play Walt Disney in the upcoming movie Saving Mr. Banks.
11. Thomas Lennon
You remember this face and labial slug from Reno 911, and know that he’s been wearing it with pride ever since, riding it to an accomplished screenwriting career. Just goes to show that you can carve a place in this world with a stache from the beginning.
12. John Hawkes
A chameleon of an actor, always understated in public, sometimes to the point of whispering. That mustache indicates a higher knowledge and deep classiness.
13. Stedman Graham
Want to shack up with the most powerful woman in the world? Get growing.
14. Mark Maron
This man is proof that if you work at something long enough, accrue a wealth of life experience and knowledge, plus have a lot of friends willing to talk to you in your garage, you can become a success. His mustache was there every step of the way. Respect.
15. Tobias Funke
Another example of persistence paying off. Millions called for its return, demanded, screamed, petitioned, tweeted, blogged — and finally, Arrested Development came back. Funke will not abandon the mustache, and the mustache will not abandon him. Remember that.
16. Tom Selleck
The man has been sporting this thick caterpillar for decades, and it has become central to his identity. An identity that sternly warns people not to even think about causing trouble. This is an authoritative stache, and we should all strive to reach that level of power.
17. Peter Dinklage
You are perfect, Peter. Suave and able to wear a 1970’s suit without looking like a clown, this mustache just adds to your cool. If you want to be cool like Peter, grow a mustache.
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