1. The Lunch Stealer
You get a bunch of people cooped up in a building working for eight or more hours — no food is safe. Everyone reverts back to a primal state. Watch your precious lunch or that yogurt you’re saving for later. You may never see its sweet little food face again. And be warned, for a real lunch stealer, writing your name on it is just a provocation.
2. The Email Black Hole
It’s unclear whether or not this person understands how email works. They’re not responding to your email. They never have and they never will. It’s a lost cause.
3. The Hammer
This is usually an uptight authority figure making things tense for everyone. They’re not afraid to have a little chat about your productivity and OH MY GOD THEY’RE RIGHT BEHIND YOU.
4. The Bathroom Talker
Seeing people you know, and maybe even like, in the bathroom on a daily basis can get a little weird. The Bathroom Talker feels like you expelling waste from your body is the perfect opportunity to ask about that upcoming project or just ask how your dog is doing.
5. The Health Obsessed
They’re juicin’, they’ve already managed to bring up kale at least once today, and their chair is either one of those big balls or nonexistent because they go to the standing desk or they go home. They even sent you a link to this creepy Washington Post diagram about the dangers of sitting. And all this is well and good but they will not shut up about it.
6. The Headphone Violator
There’s always someone who inexplicably starts playing videos or music on their computer without using headphones, as if no one will mind. Maybe they forgot their headphones. Maybe they’re a complete maniac. But they just emerge from the shadows, openly playing sound as if we don’t all live by the headphones code. This can also apply to people who turn their headphones up too loud to jam along to some techno.
7. The Drummer
Cool it, Ringo. Nobody wants this. If you do anything even remotely rhythmic at your desk, stop it right now.
8. The Coffee Slurper
Coffee. Of course. The official drink of the office. But some people are REALLY bad at drinking it. They slurp at about 140 decibels (roughly the same as a jet engine). Can’t you just drink it? For god’s sake, just let the liquid into your mouth.
9. The Smelly Desk Lunch Eater
You always know what this person is eating, even when you wish you didn’t. You have no choice. And on the worst days, it really lingers like that Cranberries song.
10. The Punctual Wizard
Somehow, miraculously, this person is always on time, every day, without fail. Early even. How do they do it? Magic? Evil magic?
11. The Buzzword Enthusiast
Just talk normally! Pretend we’re real people having a conversation. This person opens their mouth and it’s just a waterfall of corporate nonsense. For the love of god, stop asking to touch base!
12. Captain Braggy Pants
Captain Braggy Pants is better than you AND met a D-list celeb last night.
13. The Messy Desker
There’s always at least one person with a desk that’s just covered in…what even is that stuff? What is going on?
14. The Meeting Maniac
The Meeting Maniac wants to expand a four-sentence email into a meeting and another meeting and another meeting and another meeting and another meeting and DEAR GOD THEY’RE SO LONELY.
15. The Overcommunicator
Can’t stop, won’t stop reaching out, replying all, checking in, following up, leaving you voicemails, following you home, hiding in your closet, haunting your dreams.
16. The Passionate Luncher
Lunch is the one thing we have to look forward to in this dark, terrible world. But The Passionate Luncher has really strong opinions about it and takes it even more seriously than their job. They’re asking you what you got for your lunch. They’re ranking the local options with strong words, maybe even swear words. And when it’s lunchtime, quite honestly, they get a little scary.
17. The Solitary Worker
The Solitary Worker doesn’t want to talk to you and DEFINITELY does not want to go to happy hour. And they have their reasons, just be careful not to provoke or frighten them. They are basically like the office deer.
18. Gossip Girl/Boy
A constant stream of horrible gossip is what keeps any office strong. But there are some people who will not hesitate to throw down some trash talk. It’s like, whoa, hold up, you’re not even whispering. Nancy is RIGHT OVER THERE.