The Truth Behind Your Favorite Food Mascots

Five people desperately try to explain the cartoons that sell us food. You know Chester Cheetah totally vapes.

The Jolly Green Giant

General Mills / Via greengiant.com

Jean-Luc: Is that his name or his nickname I wonder. Because terrible, if either.

Chelsea: Sexy legs, probs does a lot of lunges and shit.

Grace: So in his world the ground is made of his flesh, I guess?

Jean-Luc: How many farm hands do you think he's killed just walking around?

Joanna: He obviously cannot sit down in that outfit.

Alexis: I've been wondering a lot about cartoon dicks this week and I stand by my line of questioning when I wonder where the dick's at.

Grace: Yeah that was my first question. If he has a dick, how’s he hiding it?

Jean-Luc: He's got a great dancer body.

Joanna: Is he made of vegetable?

Mr. Peanut

Kraft Foods / Via planters.com

Joanna: Why is he so fancy?

Jean-Luc: Mr. Peanut dresses for the job he wants, which is president of the Fancy Nuts Club.

Alexis: He sells other peanuts to people to eat.

Grace: Is the cane for walking or dancing?

Jean-Luc: I wish so badly one day that I was rich enough to own a hat that FUCKING HAD MY NAME ON IT.

Joanna: I just feel like he thinks he's better than me.

Chelsea: Mr. Peanut doesn't live by your rules.

Alexis: He wears SPATS for fuck's sake.

Jean-Luc: I like that Mr. Peanut has one bad eye.

Joanna: What happened to him? Did he get in a nut fight and lose one of his peanut eyes? What aggressive nut attacked him? An almond?

Kool-Aid Man

Kraft Foods

Grace: Well, first of all, I'll just say it. That's blood.

Chelsea: It's definitely blood.

Joanna: So he's a big pitcher of blood.

Chelsea: He's just walking around with an open wound

Alexis: His nose and his eyes are the same.

Jean-Luc: His four fingered hands.

Joanna: Do we think he abuses steroids?

Jean-Luc: I'm never clear how tall he is. Is he like 8 feet tall?

Joanna: He is 80 feet tall.

Lucky the Leprechaun

General Mills

Alexis: Another time we're supposed to cheer on children who are trying to steal this man's life work.

Jean-Luc: He dresses like he lives in an old-timey London train station.

Chelsea: I feel like he was captured and this is what he's being forced to do until he pays off his debt.

Alexis: I think he lives a life of fear. When was the last time he slept? They're after his Lucky Charms.

Grace: I’ve definitely dated this guy.

Joanna: What's he like on a date?

Grace: Really paranoid. Couldn't hold a conversation.

Trix rabbit

Via amazon.com

Grace: First of all, calm down.

Jean-Luc: Look at his fucking eyebrows.

Alexis: Those kids were such dicks to him! Silly rabbit, food is for people. You're a dumb rabbit. We get cereal.

Joanna: Yeah, he needs some confidence.

Alexis: Although rabbits should probably not have sugary cereal so maybe they were saving his life?

Joanna: Honestly, those children were emotionally abusive.

Jean-Luc: He's constantly being told he's silly.

Grace: I imagine his room is just filled with newspaper clippings and giant hand drawn red Xs and maps. He is haunted by this quest to get the cereal.

Jean-Luc: Maybe he's more serious than they can ever imagine.

Joanna: I am legit worried about him.

Chelsea: I feel like he goes home every night and whispers, "BUT WHO MAKES RABBIT LAUGH?"

Count Chocula

General Mills

Joanna: Is he sure he shouldn't be eating blood?

Alexis: A single rabbit tooth—where are his fangs?

Jean-Luc: Right?

Alexis: Shitty chocolate vampire doesn't even have fangs.

Joanna: I wonder if he has a complex about being a non-threatening vampire.

Alexis: They emasculated this immortal king of the night for CEREAL.

Tony the Tiger

Kellog's / Via kelloggs.com

Jean-Luc: His mouth scares me.

Joanna: I feel like everything is wrong in his life and he's overcompensating by calling everything "grrrrrrrrreat!"

Jean-Luc: "I'm fine. This is fine."

Joanna: It's like, yeah, Tony, but are YOU grrrrreat?

Alexis: He juices. He's an exceptionally fit tiger.

Grace: He lifts.

Joanna: Swole as hell... did I use that right?

Jean-Luc: Pretty sure he could kill anyone he wanted to.

Grace: He's definitely eaten kids.

Joanna: I mean, it seems like a kid would be more nutritious for a tiger than sugar cereal.

Jean-Luc: There's definitely something sad in those eyes, right?

Alexis: Those eyes are saying "no" while the cereal show must go on.

Joanna: His mouth says "grrreat" and his eyes say "please kill me."

Chelsea: I feel like he's the Fabio of cereal mascots.

Grace: I could see myself having a sex dream about him.

Pillsbury Doughboy

General Mills

Jean-Luc: Actually a nightmare.

Joanna: I find him terrifying.

Chelsea: This is a literal nightmare.

Alexis: Hoo-hoo! *Cries self to sleep.*

Joanna: Like WHAT is he?

Alexis: Hoo-hoo! *Where did they put my parents?*

Grace: This is fucking horrifying.

Joanna: If I saw him IRL I would scream and cry.

Grace: It's the eyes. There's a deadness to them.

Jean-Luc: I'm so afraid of him crawling into me.

Alexis: Yeah I would slam that oven door shut and crank up the heat.

Joanna: 100% sure he's a demon.

Grace: Oh great, now I feel like I have them crawling all over me.

Joanna: Can you imagine waking up at 3 a.m. and hearing his giggle coming from inside the house?

Chelsea: 10/10 my dog would eat.

Alexis: If you took a rolling pin to him, would he scream?

Joanna: YOU CANNOT KILL HIM. HE LIVES FOREVER.

Toucan Sam

Kellog's / Via amazon.com

Grace: So sick of all these unrealistic body expectations.

Alexis: Very unrealistic bird goals.

Jean-Luc: Why is he swinging on a vine if he's a bird who can fly?

Chelsea: He's lazy af.

Joanna: I just wish I could tell him that most of life's problems can't be solved by following your nose.

Alexis: He was always kidnapping children and taking them to the frooty jungle.

Grace: Arrest this guy.

Joanna: The parents are like, "We can just get you this cereal from the store, you don't need to follow a bird into the jungle."

Grace: Also is he drawn to scale? Because that cereal looks HUGE. Is he a microbird?

Hamburger Helper Hand

Betty Crocker / Via bettycrocker.com

Jean-Luc: Jesus lord let him die.

Joanna: A disembodied hand should not be representing food.

Jean-Luc: "It's me, the hand who wants to die."

Chelsea: I always thought it was a glove. And people just shoved their hands up in him.

Joanna: Oh.

Chelsea: And that's where his sadness comes from.

Joanna: Do people really shove their hands up him?

Jean-Luc: Hope you have four fingers!

Alexis: When I was young I thought it was "handburger" because of him.

Joanna: It might as well be Handburger Helper.

Charlie Tuna

Via amazon.com

Grace: Nerd.

Jean-Luc: His slam poetry is rad.

Chelsea: He's your favorite high school English teacher.

Joanna: But he's definitely lending you books you don't want to read.

Jean-Luc: Always asking if you've read The Fountainhead.

Joanna: I can't tell what animal he's supposed to be?

Alexis: I guess it's a tuna. I just googled what tuna looks like.

Chelsea: Tuna with a lil' beret.

Grace: Is what his friends call him behind his back.

Joanna: Yeah I don't think any self respecting fish wears a beret.

Chelsea: He says "actually" a lot. Like he's the guy who tweets "actually" at women all day.

Joanna: He's mansplaining tuna all day long.

Jean-Luc: His hands are horrific.

Chelsea: They're useless.

Alexis: Like mitten fish hands. Why do people think that what makes mascots relatable is opposable thumbs?

Jean-Luc: Is his name StarKist?

Grace: His name is Chunk Light.

Jean-Luc: Chunk Heavy was his father.

Joanna: Chunk Light is the beer he brews in his bathtub.

Jean-Luc: How do his glasses stay on in the water?

Keebler Elves

Via keebler.com

Joanna: My first question is, are the elves free to leave the cookie tree whenever they please?

Jean-Luc: This is the old man I dont leave alone with my kids.

Joanna: Yeah I wouldn't want these elves around my kids.

Jean-Luc: He has tiny baby hands.

Chelsea: His handshake is very limp.

Grace: Elves have magic, right? What are his powers?

Joanna: His only power is making cookies and making people feel uncomfortable.

Alexis: When you visit the tree it's all coordinated dance moves and adorable capers but when you leave it's freaky tree stuff.

Cap'n Crunch

capncrunch.com

Alexis: Not actually a captain.

Jean-Luc: He's actually screaming.

Grace: Eyebrows!!! What the heck.

Chelsea: IS HE TRYING TO FORCE FEED ME??

Jean-Luc: He's going nuts.

Joanna: He was kicked out of the navy immediately.

Grace: Discharged because he would just not stop screaming.

Jean-Luc: Does he have pants?

Chelsea: Where do the eyebrows go?

Joanna: His eyebrows just fly away and leave his body whenever they please.

Chelsea: What's under his hat tho? Just tons of snakes under there.

Grace: Whispers to the hat snakes at night.

Alexis: Look at his face, there's like...stiff blue cloth up around his head? There is no jacket in the world that has that.

Joanna: His sideburns are made of jacket.

Jean-Luc: Crunchatize me....gulp.

Alexis: From whence does he derive the power of crunchatization?

Chester Cheetah

Frito Lay / Via fritolay.com

Joanna: This guy looks like he sells drugs to children.

Jean-Luc: I bought E from this dude.

Alexis: Take off the glasses. Show me your eyes, Chester.

Jean-Luc: Hobbes wannabe.

Alexis: What kind of cheetah wears sneakers and no pants, Chester?

Joanna: You come over to his house and he doesn't put on pants.

Alexis: He's dating a high schooler.

Jean-Luc: He vapes on the subway.

Joanna: He vapes 24 hours a day.

Chelsea: He gives unsolicited back rubs to ladies.

Grace: Any time you hang out with him you have to clean your house for hours because he gets Cheeto dust everywhere. You’re always like, “Uh….let’s meet at the park!"

Jean-Luc: "Um let's meet at the police station."

Vlasic Pickle Stork

vlasic.com

Alexis: He's a charming gentleman stork in a bow tie!

Grace: He’s just an old grandpa who doesnt know what he’s saying.

Jean-Luc: He has no idea why the company is called Vlasic.

Alexis: Just a cool, old bird dude with a jar of pickles and a generous spirit.

Joanna: So like, does he grow pot in his basement?

Grace: That’s actually a joint he’s holding.