1. If you know Senator Ted Cruz…
2. You know these guys, the two busiest eyebrows on Capitol Hill.
His eyebrows are full of secrets.
3. Even when Congress accomplishes nothing, these eyebrows are workin’ overtime.
4. These babies are known as the windshield wipers of the Tea Party Express.
5. And, yes, they’re real.
6. The government shut itself down after taking one look at DESE BROWS.
7. “Bitch, please.” - Ted Cruz’s eyebrows
8. One man. Two Eyebrows.
9. With the power of 100 eyebrows.
10. These eyebrows are Washington’s ultimate power players.
11. During the government shutdown President Obama actually had a meeting with JUST Ted Cruz’s eyebrows.
12. Did you know that Ted Cruz’s eyebrows actually outrank Ted Cruz as co-chairs of the National Republican Senatorial Committee?
13. Did you know each of his eyebrows is individually licensed to carry?
14. Did you know that Ted Cruz actually wanted to backdown on defunding Obamacare but his eyebrows talked him out of it?
15. Legend has it that during Senate votes, Ted Cruz doesn’t say “aye” or “no,” he merely moves his eyebrows.
16. Ted Cruz’s eyebrows could be behind you at any moment.
17. The brows are always watching.
18. From any shadow could emerge… these eyebrows.
19. There’s no one better to introduce you at a conference than Ted Cruz’s eyebrows.
20. So sensitive.
21. So gentle.
22. One time in the Senate cafeteria, Ted Cruz ordered three bowls of chili. One for himself and one for each of his eyebrows.
23. This Diet Coke is actually for Ted Cruz’s eyebrows.
24. These eyebrows have made it pretty clear they’re planning a presidential run.
25. But WHAT IF Ted Cruz’s eyebrows beat Ted Cruz in the GOP primary?
26. No, little boy! Don’t look directly into the eyebrows!
27. Did you know that Ted Cruz’s eyebrows were identified by entomologists as a rare species of Republican face caterpillar?
28. Ted Cruz’s eyebrows come at your harder than a 3D movie. Yes, in IMAX.
29. When you close your eyes to fall asleep at night, you’ll see these eyebrows.
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