Webster’s Dictionary defines “thirst” as the act of salivating over a particularly perfect human being (OK, not yet, but given the crazy things they’re adding, it’s only a matter of time). But, as is often the case with slang, the term’s application has recently expanded beyond its initial intention, now referring to almost anything that gets your engine revving.
“Ooh, I’m thirsty for that ice cream!”
“My thirst for that skirt knows no bounds!”
“I can’t quench that thirst for Dave Eggers’ prose!”
TV shows are the latest thirst objects du jour, and the wait for new episodes of these 10 programs is seriously testing our salivary glands!
SPOILER ALERT: Unless you’re up to date on all of the shows mentioned below, proceed with caution.
1. Game of Thrones
Erin: So many things to feel parched over. For starters, I miss having this to fill my Sunday night void. Secondly, Sansa (Sophie Turner) has gone all Maleficent and I cannot WAIT to see her character develop into more of a badass. Last season felt like her coming out moment, and I hope they spend more time with her next season. And thirdly, there’s momma dragon Daenerys (Emilia Clarke), who I’m a little worried about, to be honest. She’s gotten drunk with power, and now that she’s kicked Jorah (Iain Glen) to the curb, well, I’m just concerned.
Jarett: I feel ya, Erin — I am fully here for Sansa as a bad bitch and anything involving the Mother of Dragons. But, personally, my thirst is directly triggered by Margaery Tyrell (played to perfection by Natalie Dormer). The widow wasted no time jumping from dead Baratheon husband to live Baratheon child as her thirst for power is literally unquenchable, and I live for the moments she squares off with Cersei (Lena Headey). Their scenes are filled with so much barely restrained hatred that the breaking point promises to be more explosive than “Blackwater.”
Erin: Someone bring me my fainting couch, because when I think about the fact that Olivia (Kerry Washington) left with Jake (Scott Foley)… I just black the fuck out. Of course, I’m sure she’ll be back to Fitz (Tony Goldwyn) it up, but Olivia deserves to get laid in a place that isn’t a broom closet, so I hope Shonda Rhimes spends some time showing us what the two of them have been up to. (I’m talking about watching Olivia and Jake have sex, folks.) The thirst is all too real on this one.
Jarett: Oh, the Olitz thirst is REAL. And, let’s be real: Jake is nobody’s sloppy seconds. But am I the only one who can’t wait to see what — and who — H.B.I.C. Mellie Grant (Bellamy Young) does in Season 4?!? I mean, the woman banged her husband’s vice president (Jon Tenney) and downed more booze than everyone in Cancun on spring break, so, yeah, I’m parched while waiting to see what she does next.
3. Sleepy Hollow
Erin: This show has knocked me on my ass, because I didn’t expect to like it so. fucking. much. It’s a period piece, but also hilarious, and terrifying, and there’s the weird love triangle going on with Ichabod (Tom Mison), Abbie (Nicole Beharie), and Katrina (Katia Winter). I look forward to this show every week, and the fact that it’s been out of my life for this long is just, well, it’s painful.
Jarett: Welcome to the club, my fellow Sleepyhead. The hardest part of jumping on this crazy train from day one has been the unbelievably loooooooooong wait for Season 2. I mean, it feels like I was in diapers when Crane got locked in that coffin! I have never needed a TV show to come back and give me answers like this before.
4. The Mindy Project
Jarett: Danny. And. Mindy. Are. A. Full. Fledged. Couple. Now. This is, quite literally, the couple I’ve ‘shipped the hardest in years — nay, decades. Chris Messina’s raw sexual charisma is a huge reason for that (the man is sex on a fucking stick) — and don’t even get me started on his dancing. Of course we are all Mindy Lahiri (Mindy Kaling), so we are all sleeping with Danny vicariously through her now, which is a blessing. A damn blessing.
5. Orange Is the New Black
Erin: Season 2 of this show was absolute perfection. They found a way to make Piper (Taylor Schilling) a likeable character, mainly by focusing on the supporting cast, and I really loved the arc of Poussey (Samira Wiley). It took me all of three days to finish the season, and it would’ve gone even quicker if I didn’t have responsibilities, like feeding my cat. So I can only imagine that next season I will gulp it down once again. The thirst never ends here.
Jarett: I haven’t lusted after a group of women like this since I was pretending to be straight in high school and confronted with a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. The creations that have come forth from Jenji Kohan’s crazy mind are some of the most addictive, quotable, and fantastic characters in ages. Also, I find myself thinking dirty thoughts about Caputo (Nick Sandow) — don’t judge me. I know we have a loooooooong wait until Season 3, so I’m ready for my mouth to feel like the Sahara.
Erin: I’m absolutely starving for this show. I miss so many things about it: Dr. Lecter’s (Mads Mikkelsen) pressed suits; Will’s (Hugh Dancy) night terrors; Jack Crawford (Laurence Fishburne) eating human body parts and not having a fucking clue about it; and all those artsy shots of murder. The season finale was INSANE — absolute insanity — and when I’m feeling sad about it being off air, I re-watch the finale. I’ve rewatched it no less than a dozen times now.
Jarett: The perfection coursing through every frame of this show is literally unparalleled. First of all, everyone is gorgeous, each meal is a work of art, the dialogue is delicious, and the chemistry between Hugh and Mads is a thing of beauty — but perhaps no element of this show is more gorgeous than the murder tableaus, which makes me sound like a sociopath, but I’ll own it. I screamed in horror-loving ecstasy when Michael Pitt’s Mason Verger was feeding pieces of his face to Will’s dogs, and can’t wait to see what horribly erotic sights Hannibal serves up in Season 3.
7. True Detective
Erin: I’m definitely parched for this show, but it’s also a feeling of, “Oh no, is all of the whiskey gone now?!” because they’ll have an entirely new cast of characters and plot. I loved Woody Harrelson and Matthew McConaughey’s odd couple bromance and twangy accents. So I just hope Season 2 lives up to their epic performances.
Jarett: While I was not as much of a fan of this show as everyone else (that phenomenal Episode 4 tracking shot notwithstanding), the (unconfirmed) rumor that Colin Farrell and Taylor Kitsch will star in Season 2 has sent my salivation into overdrive. It’s as if my libido is casting this show, which I’m A-OK with.
8. The Vampire Diaries
Erin: This show is going into Season 55 (rough estimate), but each year I keep coming back to see shirtless Damon (Ian Somerhalder). Of course, that season finale left us a little uncertain of his return, but as we all know, no one is really dead in Mystic Falls.
Jarett: Two words: Michael Malarkey. 10 more words: I am in deep, unrelenting, effusive love with Michael Malarkey. And the chaos that his character, Enzo, brings to Mystic Falls has me excited for the Season 55 (again, rough estimate) premiere like nobody’s business.
9. Orphan Black
Erin: Last season went by so fast for me, I feel like I’d just started to ease into it and then they ripped it out from under me. Tatiana Maslany can get it (for starters) — especially Alison, whose neurosis and psychopathic tendencies have endeared her to me.
Jarett: The only way my appetite for Orphan Black could truly be satiated is if BBC America produced 365 episodes a year. I like to imagine a world where Maslany’s many creations, Jordan Gavaris’ Felix, and Dylan Bruce’s Hot (Hot, Hot, Hot, Hot) Paul are never more than 24 hours away.
10. House of Cards
Erin: Claire (Robin Wright) is my queen: her tailored dresses, knowing glances, and the way she has threesomes with Frank (Kevin Spacey) and their bodyguard (Nathan Darrow). I am not worthy to watch her, and yet I DO. This past season she was absolutely on point, and I really loved seeing her become more vulnerable in the press and at home. This show is just perfection.