17 Insane Items You Can Buy From The "Chinese eBay"

Taobao is China's biggest online retailer, and is one of the most-visited sites in the world. You can buy anything from fishing bait to dog clothes to sex toys to botox equipment there, with a product count of around 760 million. Here are the most insane things I came across.

1. A disturbing ‘face slimmer’.

Via item.taobao.com

The Japanese makers of this 400RMB (£40) product claim that three minutes a day spent exercising your jaw muscles with it firms your face up. That you’d resemble a blow-up sex doll while using it is an issue they don’t address.

2. An unfortunately-named postcard set.

Via item.taobao.com

3. The latest in snail mucus cosmetics.

Via item.taobao.com

Snail mucus is the latest thing on the anti-aging product scene, and on Taobao you can get hold of the slime helpfully pre-spread onto face masks.

4. Ridiculously cutesy bear pyjamas.

Via item.taobao.com

Extra points for the bear’s unamused expression and "don’t shoot" paws-up gesture.

5. A stylish trousers and top combo for your dog...

Via item.taobao.com

6. …And a dungarees and t-shirt outfit too.

Via detail.tmall.com

The crotchless, doggy penis-freeing design is a masterstroke in hound hygiene.

7. A super-cool safari-style cat jumper.

Via item.taobao.com

This pussy’s pout is perfect for the, ahem, catwalk.

8. ‘Whitening’ face-lift oil.

item.taobao.com

item.taobao.com

Sadly, skin whitening products are still popular among the Chinese, with the makers of this one claiming it has the same effect as botox too. The plastic sheen of this model’s face is testament to that aspect, at least.

9. This creepily crinkly baby doll.

Via item.taobao.com

Designed for training in hospitals, this still hopelessly freaks us out.

10. Some NSFW (or just plain confusing) tops.

11. Tom Cruise's head…

Via item.taobao.com

12. …And Bruce Willis' head too.

Via item.taobao.com

You can buy these to stick on top of headless plastic dolls to create your own blockbuster in your bedroom.

13. A fun novelty blood transfusion kit.

Via item.taobao.com

Perfect for Halloween.

14. This huge scythe and matching ‘battle suit’.

Via item.taobao.com

‘Cosplay’ – dressing up as fantasy characters – is hugely popular in China, with many young people spending fortunes on dolling themselves like characters from animations. This kit only costs 90RMB (£9), mind.

15. Some pills to make your penis 'improve'.

Via item.taobao.com

There’s a lot of sex stuff on Taobao. At least they blurred out the key area on this description page.

16. The David ‘Bickham’ sex doll.

Via item.taobao.com

Let's look at the full body view.

With rotating limbs and other areas, this almost life-sized blow-up sex aid version of Becks can, according to the blurb, pleasure you in 36 different ways and “make you happy grasp of their own!”

It's slightly less sexy before inflation.

17. And finally... this inexplicable ginger-haired sex toy.

Via item.taobao.com

We're not sure where to look.