17 Insane Items You Can Buy From The “Chinese eBay”

Taobao is China’s biggest online retailer, and is one of the most-visited sites in the world. You can buy anything from fishing bait to dog clothes to sex toys to botox equipment there, with a product count of around 760 million. Here are the most insane things I came across.

1. A disturbing ‘face slimmer’.

The Japanese makers of this 400RMB (£40) product claim that three minutes a day spent exercising your jaw muscles with it firms your face up. That you’d resemble a blow-up sex doll while using it is an issue they don’t address.

2. An unfortunately-named postcard set.

3. The latest in snail mucus cosmetics.

Snail mucus is the latest thing on the anti-aging product scene, and on Taobao you can get hold of the slime helpfully pre-spread onto face masks.

4. Ridiculously cutesy bear pyjamas.

Extra points for the bear’s unamused expression and “don’t shoot” paws-up gesture.

5. A stylish trousers and top combo for your dog…

6. …And a dungarees and t-shirt outfit too.

The crotchless, doggy penis-freeing design is a masterstroke in hound hygiene.

7. A super-cool safari-style cat jumper.

This pussy’s pout is perfect for the, ahem, catwalk.

8. ‘Whitening’ face-lift oil.

 

Sadly, skin whitening products are still popular among the Chinese, with the makers of this one claiming it has the same effect as botox too. The plastic sheen of this model’s face is testament to that aspect, at least.

9. This creepily crinkly baby doll.

Designed for training in hospitals, this still hopelessly freaks us out.

10. Some NSFW (or just plain confusing) tops.

 
 

11. Tom Cruise’s head…

12. …And Bruce Willis’ head too.

You can buy these to stick on top of headless plastic dolls to create your own blockbuster in your bedroom.

13. A fun novelty blood transfusion kit.

Perfect for Halloween.

14. This huge scythe and matching ‘battle suit’.

‘Cosplay’ – dressing up as fantasy characters – is hugely popular in China, with many young people spending fortunes on dolling themselves like characters from animations. This kit only costs 90RMB (£9), mind.

15. Some pills to make your penis ‘improve’.

There’s a lot of sex stuff on Taobao. At least they blurred out the key area on this description page.

16. The David ‘Bickham’ sex doll.

Let’s look at the full body view.

With rotating limbs and other areas, this almost life-sized blow-up sex aid version of Becks can, according to the blurb, pleasure you in 36 different ways and “make you happy grasp of their own!”

It’s slightly less sexy before inflation.

17. And finally… this inexplicable ginger-haired sex toy.

We’re not sure where to look.

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