The Horrible Truth About Dr. Mario

This is the thing: There are many doctors called Mario, which is confusing, but how else could it be possible for one to square off against another in “Versus” mode? Pretty much across the board, they are mercenaries - they are amoral and greedy and 100 percent in the pocket of the pharmaceutical industry. The ugly truth is that regardless of the benefit or harm to the patient, the doctors Mario will prescribe (often at an alarming rate) as many different pills as they can get away with in exchange for lucrative kickbacks from their suppliers in Big Pharma. But here’s the other thing: Some of these doctors - their recklessness and cupidity notwithstanding - are also skilled physicians. They have a medical degree, after all. In many ways those doctors are at war with themselves. On the one hand, they have sacrificed their integrity and the noble intent of their vocation for a life devoted solely to acquisitiveness. And yet they are nonetheless incapable of preventing themselves from exercising their incredible talents in the service of saving human lives. These Doctor Marios are able to rescue even the most desperate among their patients despite the excessive harm done by their dangerous prescriptions. And indeed some - only the best, mind you - are able to bring their charges back from the very brink of death while warring both with their own worst selves and with the pernicious ministrations of their rivals, who, not content with the harm they are doing in their own practice, feel compelled to hawk their dangerous wares to the patients of other doctors.

I am such a one. My Doctor Mario skillz are unparalleled. But at what cost to my soul?