1. The Girl With the Double Dragon Tattoo
24-year-old computer hacker Lisbeth Salander never was able to get past that part in the first Double Dragon game where Billy and Jimmy have to fight the two Abobos at the same time. One day, after getting drunk, she got a goofy-ass tattoo to remind herself of her failure and the larger failure inherent in the fact that nobody has seriously referred to themselves as a “computer hacker” since Angelina Jolie starred in that dumb movie in 1995.
2. The Dragon With the Girl Tattoo
I dunno. Some dragon gets an ill-advised tattoo of a girl, and all the townspeople are like, “Haha, that’s a pretty ill-advised tattoo of a girl. It doesn’t look very tough.” So he burns them all alive in their beds.
3. The Earl With the Dragon Tattoo
This one is about some Steampunk type of shit and is therefore completely unreadable.
4. The Girl, With the Drag on Tattoo
I guess this is some kind of horrifying Fanfic-to-book-deal sensation? Fantasy Island gets even more fantastical after Tattoo discovers his love of cross-dressing! When he meets 24-year-old Lisbeth Salander - a computer hacker with a thing for Little People in drag - things get kind of confusing and unpleasant.
5. The Girl With the Falcor Tattoo
None of the other computer hackers at the computer hacking academy take 24-year-old computer hacker Lisbeth Salander seriously, on account of her cringe-inducing Neverending Story tramp stamp. So she burns them all alive in their beds.
6. Two Girls, One Dragon Tattoo
There aren’t English words dirty enough to describe the shit that goes on in this book. Which, I guess maybe it’s mostly diagrams? This one’s a must-read.
- Dylann Roof has been formally charged with nine counts of murder for the Charleston church shooting last month.
- Britain marks 10 years since 52 people were killed in terrorist attacks in London.
- Harry Shearer, the voice of Mr. Burns on "The Simpsons," will rejoin the show. In May, he said he was leaving.