Entertainment

Roger Ebert’s 20 Most Epic Movie Pans

He really, really hated these films. But you’re going to love his hilarious reviews.

1. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

“A horrible experience of unbearable length.”

“If you want to save yourself the ticket price, go into the kitchen, cue up a male choir singing the music of hell, and get a kid to start banging pots and pans together. Then close your eyes and use your imagination.”

“Those who think Transformers is a great or even a good film are, may I tactfully suggest, not sufficiently evolved.”

Read it in full here.

2. The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 2

“If for no other reason, The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 2 deserves credit for providing the takeaway dialogue line of the year: ‘Nessie? You named my baby after the Loch Ness Monster?’”

“I have now seen something like 10 hours about these vampires as they progress through immortality, and I’d rather see either version of Nosferatu that many times.”

Read it in full.

Battlefield Earth is like taking a bus trip with someone who has needed a bath for a long time. It’s not merely bad; it’s unpleasant in a hostile way.”

“The soundtrack sounds like the boom mike is being slammed against the inside of a 55-gallon drum.”

“I watched it in mounting gloom, realizing I was witnessing something historic, a film that for decades to come will be the punch line of jokes about bad movies.”

Read it in full here.

4. Battle: Los Angeles

“Here’s a science-fiction film that’s an insult to the words ‘science’ and ‘fiction,’ and the hyphen in between them.”

“Young men: If you attend this crap with friends who admire it, tactfully inform them they are idiots. Young women: If your date likes this movie, tell him you’ve been thinking it over, and you think you should consider spending some time apart.”

Read the full review here.

5. The Last Airbender

The Last Airbender is an agonizing experience in every category I can think of and others still waiting to be invented.”

“The dialogue is couched in unspeakable quasi-medieval formalities; the characters are so portentous they seem to have been trained for grade school historical pageants.”

Read the full review here.

“This movie doesn’t scrape the bottom of the barrel. This movie isn’t the bottom of the barrel. This movie isn’t below the bottom of the barrel. This movie doesn’t deserve to be mentioned in the same sentence as barrels.”

“The film is a vomitorium consisting of 93 minutes of Tom Green doing things that a geek in a carnival sideshow would turn down.”

Read the full review here.

“I had a colonoscopy once, and they let me watch it on TV. It was more entertaining than The Brown Bunny.”

Read the review in full here.

“The movie is an assault on the eyes, the ears, the brain, common sense and the human desire to be entertained. No matter what they’re charging to get in, it’s worth more to get out.”

Armageddon reportedly used the services of nine writers. Why did it need any? The dialogue is either shouted one-liners or romantic drivel.”

Read the review in full here.

“I know aliens from other worlds are required to arrive in New Mexico, but why stay there?”

Read the review in full here.

10. A Lot Like Love

“The movie is 95 minutes long, and neither character says a single memorable thing.”

“To call A Lot like Love dead in the water is an insult to water.”

Read the review in full here.

11. The Human Centipede 2

“The film is reprehensible, dismaying, ugly, artless and an affront to any notion, however remote, of human decency.”

“I am left with this question: After Ashlynn Yennie’s first movie role was in the first Human Centipede movie, and now her second is in Human Centipede Two, do you think she’ll leave show business?”

Read the review in full here.

“Bad films are easy to make, but a film as unpleasant as Baby Geniuses’ achieves a kind of grandeur.”

Read the review in full here.

13. She’s Out of Control

“What planet did the makers of this film come from? What assumptions do they have about the purpose and quality of life? I ask because She’s Out of Control is simultaneously so bizarre and so banal that it’s a first: the first movie fabricated entirely from sitcom cliches and plastic lifestyles, without reference to any known plane of reality.”

Read the review in full here.

“It’s so ludicrous in so many different ways it achieves a kind of forlorn grandeur. It’s in a category by itself.”

“I would give a great deal to be able to see The Skulls on opening night in New Haven, Conn., in a movie theater full of Yale students, with gales of laughter rolling at the screen. It isn’t a comedy, but that won’t stop anyone.”

Read the review in full here.

15. Seven Days in Utopia

“I would rather eat a golf ball than see this movie again.”

Read the review in full here.

“It is not only bad filmmaking, but it is offensive as well - offensive to my intelligence.”

“Many films are bad. Only a few declare themselves the work of people deficient in taste, judgment, reason, tact, morality and common sense. Was there no one connected with this project who read the screenplay, considered the story, evaluated the proposed film and vomited?”

Read the review in full here.

Mr. Magoo is transcendently bad. It soars above ordinary badness as the eagle outreaches the fly. There is not a laugh in it. Not one. I counted. I wonder if there could have been any laughs in it.”

Read the review in full here.

“To call it an anticlimax would be an insult not only to climaxes but to prefixes. It’s a crummy secret, about one step up the ladder of narrative originality from It Was All a Dream. It’s so witless, in fact, that when we do discover the secret, we want to rewind the film so we don’t know the secret anymore. And then keep on rewinding, and rewinding, until we’re back at the beginning, and can get up from our seats and walk backward out of the theater and go down the up escalator and watch the money spring from the cash register into our pockets.”

Read the review in full here.

19. Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles

“I’ve seen audits that were more thrilling.”

“The movie is pokey and the jokes amble onscreen, squat down on their haunches and draw diagrams of themselves in the dust.”

Read the review in full here.

North is one of the most unpleasant, contrived, artificial, cloying experiences I’ve had at the movies.”

“I hated this movie. Hated hated hated hated hated this movie. Hated it. Hated every simpering stupid vacant audience-insulting moment of it. Hated the sensibility that thought anyone would like it. Hated the implied insult to the audience by its belief that anyone would be entertained by it.”

Read the review in full.

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