1. When you wear flippies to the beach, this is how they repay you.
Total jerk dogs.
2. And then if you try to wear any other type of shoe, your feet will look like monsters.
3. This is not cute. All I can think about is athlete’s foot…
DO THEY HAVE IT?!
6. This is what happens when you try to stand up in flip-flops.
8. Yeah, flip-flops are the fucking worst.
9. You’ll also probably die.
“If you wear shoes for three months, 93% have fecal bacteria and 20% have E. coli,” Dr. Charles P. Gerba told New York Daily News.
10. This is the obnoxious sound a flip-flop makes, and only adorable children can get away with it.
Your shoes shouldn’t come with their own soundtrack, FYI.
11. Unless you want someone with a foot fetish to suck on your feet, then don’t wear thongs on your toes.
13. But there is a “fancy” flip-flop, which looks like a piñata vomiting up taffy.
15. Flip-flops are the easiest way to make you look like the opposite of a badass.
16. They also manage to make impossibly handsome people, like Zac Efron, look like fucking idiots.
17. Or classy ladies, like Susan Sarandon, look like they’ve just wandered out of some vile hippie hut on the beach.
18. If you wear them to work, you’ll get fired*.
*If you work for me, that is.
19. Silver fox Anderson Cooper thinks they’re “gross” and “disgusting.”
Maria Sansone isn’t heeding his fashion advice, however.
20. It’s probably because they emphasize your Hobbit-esque toes.
So hairy. :(