1. Canada is frickin’ freezing.
That’s me on the left.
2. But no one seems to notice.
Especially the teens. Where are your coats, teens?!
3. Despite the dismal, soul-crushing weather, everyone in Canada is nice.
This is bathroom graffiti I saw in Toronto. It took me a full minute to realize it’s not being sarcastic.
4. Everyone has a beard.
And they’re as thick as carpets.
5. They have full conversations only using the word “Sorry.” (Read: “Sore-ee”).
Here’s an actual conversation I overheard in Toronto:
“Sorry, has anyone taken your order?”
“Sorry, I can take it now.”
“Sorry, we didn’t know to call you over.”
“No, no, sorry, that’s my fault.”
And then maple syrup leaked out of their twitching eyes while they grinned at each other for a moment too long.
6. If there were ever Eye Contact Olympics, Canada would be the China of those games.
Don’t look at me like that when I’m ordering a coffee, it’s freaking me out.
7. All Canadian citizens walk around with an encyclopedic knowledge of every notable Canadian ever born.
It’s ok, you can stop listing them. You had me after “Neil Young.”
8. They aren’t great at geography, which is a huuuge relief for us Americans.
They’re also oddly wary of Alaska. Someone said to me, “Alaska makes me nervous.”
9. Despite actively seeking one, I never found a liquor store.
Whattup wit DAT?
10. Smoke’s Poutinerie has the best poutine in all of Canada.
According to the drunk people who enthusiastically directed me there at 1 am. (Apparently they found the mythical liquor store).
11. They actually speak French.
I don’t know what I was expecting.
12. The city of Toronto is impeccably clean.
Like, spookily clean. What are you hiding, Toronto?
13. They’re very good at drawing maple leaves.
I guess the maple leaf is to Canadians what that blocky/pointy “S” thing is to school-age Americans.
14. Canadians are not nearly as embarrassed of Justin Bieber as we are.
One of them said to me, “Good for him, you know?”