1. Sarah - Labyrinth
The Dawning Horror: Wait, I just turned down being David Bowie’s beloved princess, ageless lover and co-ruler of the goblins in order to save this baby I don’t even like. I just turned down being David Bowie’s lover. DAVID. BOWIE’S. LOVER.
2. The Pevensie Children - The Lion, The Witch, And The Wardrobe
The Dawning Horror: We were just adults with infinite power in a magical land ruled by our friend Lion Jesus but then we followed that stupid stag and forgot pine trees turning into fur coats is a red flag and now we have to relive our whole childhood in boring old England
kill us now.
3. Kim - Edward Scissorhands
The Dawning Horror: Instead of spending my life living in a hilltop mansion with the one person who really got me, I descended back into suburban mediocrity and left him to live out his immortal life without love. I am a monster.
4. Bastion - The Neverending Story
The Dawning Horror: I could have used my imagination to do anything I wanted and I wished to restore Fantasia to its former glory instead of wishing it rained donuts or had a Giant Robot Kingdom add-on OR THAT ARTAX WASN’T DEAD.
5. Nancy - Enchanted
The Dawning Horror: I literally just jumped down a manhole with a man I met less than hour ago, transported myself to the saccharine world of Andalasia, which has no Internet mind you, and married someone whose last name I don’t even know.
6. Wesley And Buttercup - The Princess Bride
The Dawning Horror: True love conquers all. But still, perhaps we should have either killed the vindictive princeling Buttercup was about to marry or run further away than the farm down the lane where Humperdink’s minions can easily murder us in our sleep.
7. Princess Lily - Legend
The Dawning Horror: Well here I am, stuck with elfin Tom Cruise when I could have had jewelry, wicked dancing clothes (literally), and the eternal love of (most likely kinky) Tim Curry who would encourage me to be an ambitious woman instead of an perpetually innocent tween.
8. Alan Parrish - Jumanji
The Dawning Horror: Well thank God that nightmare is over. Instead of dousing this board game in gasoline and lighting it on cathartic fire, we chucked it into the river for the cycle to start all over again. On that note, I hope we didn’t wipe out any irreplicable positive butterfly effects from the last 26 years.
9. Amalthea - The Last Unicorn
The Dawning Horror: I managed to rescue my people from the Red Bull and resurrect the love of my life after he sacrificed himself for me because Princes are prone to bouts of noble stupidity. But instead of staying with him, I’m going run off and live in regret because reasons, I guess?
- The gun allegedly used by an undocumented immigrant to shoot and kill a woman on a San Francisco pier last week may have been stolen from a federal agent.
- Fox has secured the rights to make a movie about the U.S. Supreme Court's ruling on marriage equality.
- Subway has suspended Jared Fogle, the weight-loss guy from their commercials, due to an FBI investigation.