If Men In Bond Films Were Named Like The Women

"We meet again...Shagger."

1. Miles O'Girth

Columbia Pictures

From Russia With Love (1963)

Cause of death: Bond throws Miles off a bridge from a moving train.

Bond's quip: “I hope you have air miles."

2. Arian Schwanz

Columbia Pictures

The Living Daylights (1987)

Cause of death: After a car chase along a mountain pass, Bond jumps an old broken bridge, but Arian's car doesn't make it and he explodes in a fireball at the bottom of a ravine.

Bond's quip: "I guess you just lost the master race."

3. Testosterone Knickerdropper

Columbia Pictures

Licence To Kill (1989)

Cause of death: Bond shoots Testosterone in the crotch.

Bond's quip: "A little cocky for my liking."

4. Mr Fister

Columbia Pictures

Live and Let Die (1973)

Cause of death: Bond dispatches Mr Fister in a woodchipper, but the machine breaks halfway through.

Bond's quip: "Guess she needed more lube, Fister."

5. Willy Diver

Columbia Pictures

Moonraker (1979)

Cause of death: Bond fights Willy Diver on a boat. After appearing to kill him several times, only for the big man to come back, he finally finishes him by wrapping the anchor chain around his neck and letting it drag him to the bottom of the sea.

Bond's quip: "I think you've gone down for the last time."

6. Shagger Gently

Columbia Pictures

Tomorrow Never Dies (1997)

Cause of death: Bond throws Shagger through a high window at night time.

Bond's quip: "Do not go Gently into that good night."

7. Ball Sack

Columbia Pictures

The Man With The Golden Gun (1974)

Cause of death: Bond has a brutal fight with Ball Sack in a train compartment. He eventually garrottes him to death with some dental floss – at which point the train conductor knocks on the door.

Conductor: "Are you alright, sir? We heard a noise."

Bond's quip: "Just...adjusting my ball sack."

8. Hugh Jappendage

Columbia Pictures

Octopussy (1983)

Cause of death: After Hugh Jappendage attacks bond with a giant broadsword, Bond stabs him with a paperknife.

Bond's quip: "You know, it's what you do with it that counts."

9. Hand Job

Columbia Pictures

Goldfinger (1964)

Cause of death: Bond crushes Hand Job in an adjustable electric massage table.

Bond's quip: "Guess he didn't have a happy ending."

10. Herr Pees von Fingerbang

Columbia Pictures

Die Another Day (2002)

Cause of death: Herr Pees flees in a helicopter, only to realise Bond slipped a bomb in with him as he took off. Bond holds up the detonator for him to see, and pushes the red button.

Bond's quip: "Finger. Bang."

11. Jock McChafe

Columbia Pictures

GoldenEye (1995)

Cause of death: Bond grinds Jock McChafe to death on an industrial sanding machine.

Bond's quip: "Guess that rubbed him up the wrong way."

12. Abel Schlong

Columbia Pictures

For Your Eyes Only (1981)

Cause of death: Bond throws Abel Schlong from a cable car.

Bond's quip: "So Schlong...and thanks for all the memories."

13. Clint Licker

Columbia Pictures

Casino Royale (2006)

Cause of death: After a chase, Clint takes a woman hostage. Bond manages to shoot him between the eyes.

Bond's quip: "Cunt."

14. Geoff Penis

Columbia Pictures

Quantum of Solace (2008)

Cause of death: Bond chops off Geoff Penis’s head.

Bond's quip: “Circumcision suits you."

15. Truffle & Butter

Columbia Pictures

Diamonds Are Forever (1971)

Cause of death: When Truffle and Butter try to throw Bond into an industrial vat of acid, he manages to push them in, and watches as they dissolve.

Bond's quip: "I'll stick to margarine, thanks."

16. Ed Balls

Columbia Pictures

For Your Eyes Only (1981)

Cause of death: Ed Balls falls off a cliff of his own accord.

Bond's quip: "Ed Balls."