You’ve come to the horrid realisation that someone you once quite liked is actually a bit of a wanker.
“The problem is… I actually kind of hate you.”
And it’s awkward, because you’re supposed to be friends. Maybe even good friends.
Adult friendships are hard to navigate, and being friends with people both online and IRL can be complicated. Many friendships will naturally come to an end, but the ebb and flow of friendships — no matter how old — can get quite complicated when social media is involved.
It starts slowly. Maybe you don’t see them as much. Maybe they just never make the time to see you. Maybe you just don’t have much in common anymore.
For whatever reason, you’re just no longer close. They’re not really a part of your life. But, then you look at your phone, and THERE THEY ARE, and you can’t deny the truth that…
Their blog updates, once informative and interesting, now seem tedious and self-indulgent.
YES. YOUR LIFE IS GREAT. WE GET IT.
And let’s not even get started on all the pictures of their FACE on Instagram.
And now you know the truth: It’s time to break up with them on the internet. You’re going to have to cut them off online.
You’ve already phased them out in person. And it’s time for the next step.
So, you slowly gather up your courage, brush the dust off your balls and go in for the the kill.
These are the stages you’ll go through.
1. The “Stalk-No-More” Foursquare Unfriend.
Sure, it’s handy to know where they are, doing things with people that aren’t you, but really, they don’t need to know where you are. No more stalking from afar.
2. The “Let’s See If They Notice” Pinterest Board Unfollow.
You really really don’t need to know about your “friend’s” bathroom refurbishment plans… but you’re also too afraid to completely unfollow them.
3. The “OK, This Is Getting Serious” Complete Pinterest Unfollow.
“I don’t want to see any of fucking tattoo ideas or care about how much you like wallabies!”
4. The “No Hearts for You” Instagram Ignore.
You literally go weeks without double-tapping their photos.
And to your peril, it brings to your attention that they literally haven’t liked any of your photos in months. MONTHS.
5. The “I’ve Had E-fucking-nough” Instagram Unfollow.
This is probably the easiest one to get away with, unless your “friend” that you never see in person and rarely texts you is actively checking that you follow them back on Instagram.
And it feels so liberating because you no longer have to see all of the #superfun #cocktail parties they haven’t invited you to!
6. The “Let’s See If You Notice THIS” Adding to Limited Profile on Facebook Move.
“You can’t see the majority of my updates and only my Instagram photos! HA!”
7. The (Probably Drunk) Facebook Unfriend.
This really says something, especially considering you’re still friends with a bunch of people you met at networking events in 2007, but they NEED to KNOW you’re no longer FRIENDS.
And you secretly hope with this, that they’ll immediately message you an be like “What? We’re no longer Facebook friends?” so you can be all like, “We’re not even friends in REAL LIFE.” Boom.
8. The (Most Definitely Drunk) Facebook Block.
Now they can’t even search for you. MUAHAHAHAAH.
9. The “Shit Just Got Real” Twitter Unfollow.
This is the biggest “we are SO done (on the internet)” move you can make, well, aside from…
10. The “I BASICALLY HATE YOU” Twitter Block.
If you block someone on Twitter, it’s basically the equivalent of driving by their house and throwing the stuff they’ve left at your house out the window and onto their front lawn in the middle of the night, with a note that says “fuck your shit.”
However, all of this unfriending and unfollowing might mean that your actions may have awkward ramifications, such as:
11. The “Hey! Drinks soon? xx” Facebook message.
Which you ignore, obvs.
12. The “This amazing thing has happened to me, blah blah blah, how’s you?” Whatsapp message.
13. Then, there might also be a “What the fuck is going on?” email they send six months later when they finally realise you’ve deleted them from every single social network.
They’re all like, “I mean, even Google+? Seriously? I DON’T EVEN USE THAT.” And then you’re all like, “NOBODY USES GOOGLE+ BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT.”
Which then causes…
14. The “WHAT THE FUCK HAVE I DONE??” Downward Spiral.
So many feelings. So many memories. SO MUCH INTERNAL CONFLICT.
15. This is when you relapse and spend hours pouring over old Facebook photos of you together, stalk their Instagram, and view their Twitter feed in an Incognito Chrome tab.
16. However, in doing this, you become enraged all over again, and subsequently remind yourself how annoying they are and why you unfriended them in every way imaginable.
Unfortunately, this doesn’t make the process of losing a friend any easier, but it does mean that at least you won’t have a reminder of a failed friendship every time you check your feeds.