Get excited, everyone: tonight’s the first round of the NFL Draft!
As a sports entertainment destination (SED), BuzzFeed Sports is contractually obligated by the SPORTS BLOGGERS ASSOCIATION OF AMERICA to do our very own mock draft. But with a million (quite good) mock drafts already pushing their predictions for how far the Vikings will go to avoid picking anyone good, Jack and I decided we’ll hangle our mock draft a little different: we’re going to mock the players. (We based our order on Mike Mayock’s NFL.com mock.)
5. 1. Indianapolis Colts — Andrew Luck
Kevin: He seriously has one of the worst haircuts I’ve ever seen. His hairs fan out like tassels.
Jack: Some people were nervous that Andrew Luck might not be happy in a rebuilding situation in Indianapolis, but don’t worry. Rob Lowe says it’s cool.
6. 2. Washington Redskins — Robert Griffin III
Kevin: Yo, RGIII, I think I stopped shopping at Express when I graduated from middle school. (Seriously, though, I love RGIII. SORRY MAN.)
Jack: I’m just happy Kel is getting work. It just sucks that they make him wear that Good Burger wig everywhere.
7. 3. Minnesota Vikings — Matt Kalil, OL, USC
Kevin: Always have to feel for USC players when they move to the NFL, what with taking a pay cut and all.
Jack: I’m sure Matt’s really excited about the possibility of moving from LA to Minnesota, but don’t worry Matt, Buffalo’s still in play too!
8. 4. Cleveland Browns — Justin Blackmon, WR, Oklahoma St.
Kevin: More like Justin BIEBER. If you stare long enough at the fabric of his suit, you will go blind.
Jack: I want to go on record and say that if Trent Richardson is on the board and my Browns pick Blackmon I’m going to throw this computer out one of BuzzFeed’s many lovely 11th floor windows.
9. 5. Tampa Bay Buccaneers — Trent Richardson, RB, Alabama
Kevin: Harry Caray called, and he wants his glasses back.
Jack: I’d be careful about going to Tampa, Trent. LeGarrette Blount does not take well to people he finds threatening.
10. 6. St. Louis Rams — Morris Claiborne, CB, LSU
Kevin: Also known as, “The LSU cornerback who isn’t the Honey Badger.”
Jack: Morris Claiborne walks around like this constantly while yelling “Are you not entertained?!” We are Morris, but we’re trying to eat a nice dinner at Denny’s. Put your arms down and shut up.
11. 7. Jacksonville Jaguars — Melvin Ingram, DE, South Carolina
Kevin: Melvin Ingram would really like it if you didn’t call him Melvin the Martian.
Jack: Becoming a giant, quarterback crushing, defensive terror is one of exactly two possible outcomes for a kid named Melvin. It’s the better one.
12. 8. Miami Dolphins — Ryan Tannehill, QB, Texas A&M
Kevin: The top three autofill Google Image search suggestions for “Ryan Tannehill” are: 1. “Ryan Tannehill girlfriend” 2. “Ryan Tannehill fiance” 3. “Ryan Tannehill wife”
Jack: I liked him better when he was named Colt McCoy.
13. 9. Carolina Panthers — Fletcher Cox, DT, Mississippi St.
Kevin: I think his shirt is made of the sky.
Jack: I think his name makes him sound like a doctor from a bad ’80s sitcom.
14. 10. Buffalo Bills — Luke Kuechly, LB, Boston College
Kevin: “Class, do you know what kind of rock this is? SEDIMENTARY.” /tackles child
Jack: The day this trophy design was due, the head trophy designer must have whipped out his dick and ran down the halls of the prestigious trophy design firm yelling that he was Jesus. In a pinch this is what the interns came up with.
15. 11. Kansas City Chiefs — Mark Barron, SS, Alabama
Kevin: More like Robber Barron, amirite?
Jack: That’s what my abs look like when I wear football pads. These flabbier ones are just an optical illusion caused by a lack of football pads.
16. 12. Seattle Seahawks — Quinton Coples, DE, UNC
Kevin: Playing football at UNC is like getting a salad at In-N-Out.
Jack: Quinton seems fine, but I have a more burning concern. Do seahawks and landhawks hang out together or is it like the Jets and the Sharks? (I of course am speaking of the hockey teams.)
17. 13. Arizona Cardinals — Riley Reiff, OT, Iowa
Kevin: Looks like the Cardinals are trying to get a little R&R! A little rest and relaxation! They want to help Kevin Kolb not die.
Jack: I love offensive linemen, because this is about as athletic-looking a photo as they can take.
18. 14. Dallas Cowboys — Michael Brockers, DT, LSU
Kevin: Brockers sounds like knockers, which is good enough for Jerry Jones.
Jack: I’m loving the rise of the James Harden beard in the NFL. It’ll go great with everyone’s James Harden concussions. (Oh wait that won’t be a problem anymore now that the Saints are in trouble, right?)
19. 15. Philadelphia Eagles — Stephon Gilmore, CB, South Carolina
Kevin: Andy Reid thinks Stephon Gilmore would be delicious with roasted broccoli and Bearnaise sauce.
Jack: I kept trying to watch that show about his adopted sister and mother, but they talk way too fast for me.
20. 16. New York Jets — Michael Floyd, WR, Notre Dame
Kevin: As a soon-to-be Jets draft pick, Michael Floyd has been practicing getting booed at home for the last few weeks.
Jack: This draft pick is exclusively being made to bring another guy who has heard of God into the Jets locker room. Tim Tebow needs to be comfortable.
21. 17. Cincinnati Bengals — Dre Kirkpatrick, CB, Alabama
Kevin: RELEASE DETOX ALREADY, DAMMIT.
Jack: MAKE YOUR BROTHER CONVINCE JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE TO COME BACK TO N*SYNC.
22. 18. San Diego Chargers — Whitney Mercilus, DE, Illinois
Kevin: Has the best football last name and the worst football first name, basically.
Jack: This guy is the odds on favorite to be the player I most frequently call Wynton Marsalis.
23. 19. Chicago Bears — Chandler Jones, DE, Syracuse
Kevin: Can’t take anyone seriously who played on the same football team as Greg Paulus.
Jack: Could the Chicago Bears BE any more excited? (Jay Cutler’s their quarterback, so probably.)
24. 20.Tennessee Titans — Stephen Hill, WR, Georgia Tech
Kevin: Have fun watching Jake Locker scramble around for 15 seconds and then throw the ball into the stands every play for the next five years.
Jack: This photo depicts Stephen Hill’s thinking face. It makes team meetings really awkward.
25. 21. Cincinnati Bengals — David DeCastro, G, Stanford
Kevin: The football Buddha says Relax.
Jack: Ozzie Guillen told reporters that he deRespects him.
26. 22. Cleveland Browns — Doug Martin, RB, Boise State
Kevin: Going to be disappointing when the Browns find out that Martin was just an optical illusion produced by Boise’s blue field.
Jack: Going to be disappointing when the Browns (insert anything that could possibly happen here).
27. 23. Detroit Lions — Courtney Upshaw, LB, Alabama
Kevin: Detroit’s still waiting to see how Upshaw performs on their dude-stomping test before making this pick.
Jack: Courtney Upshaw sounds like someone who would be one of the professional dancers on “Dancing With The Stars, so I’m glad he’s got moves to back up that name.
28. 24. Pittsburgh Steelers — Cordy Glenn, T, Georgia
Kevin: I bet you the Steelers have particularly terrible rookie hazing.
Jack: Sorry Riley Reiff. You’ve been out athletic-photo’d. Look at the big man go!
29. 25. Denver Broncos — Dontari Poe, DT, Memphis
Kevin: Guys, The Raven looks AWESOME. /gets sliced in half by pendulum.
Jack: Did the Memphis football players ever get any of the fringe benefits of the basketball team? Do they know the pain of the SATs?
30. 26. Houston Texans — Coby Fleener, TE, Stanford
Kevin: The NFL has more Stanford guys than Silicon Valley at this point.
Jack: He looks like Tim Riggins and Matthew McConaughey had the coolest baby ever.
31. 27. New England Patriots — Nick Perry, DE, USC
Kevin: Getting drafted by Bill Belichick, you must be kind of scared he’s going to cut you before the weekend’s even over.
Jack: Theory time. Bill Belichick was given the power to be a great NFL coach by an evil witch, who would only give him this gift on the condition that he trade as many first round draft picks as humanly possible. This supernatural encounter obviously occurred after leaving Cleveland in 1995. He will not make this pick.
32. 28. Green Bay Packers — Shea McClellin, DE, Boise State
Kevin: I don’t think the Packers should be allowed to draft anyone this year.
Jack: I’m for anybody that looks like they have such great Haka technique.
33. 29. Baltimore Ravens — Dont’a Hightower, LB, Alabama
Kevin: Sucks for Hightower: word on the street is that John Harbaugh doesn’t shake his hand when he first meets you, he just punches you in the face.
Jack: Between his clearly epic celebratory skills and his apostrophe game, I can’t see how this pick can miss.
34. 30. San Francisco 49ers — Kendall Wright, WR, Baylor
Kevin: Cue video of Alex Smith throwing footballs into a black hole.
Jack: He was the basis for the movie “Just Wright.”
35. 31. New England Patriots — Harrison Smith, FS, Notre Dame
Kevin: Belichick’s thinking here: “WELL I LIKED THE OTHER SAFETY I HAD NAMED HARRISON SO.”
Jack: A white guy from Notre Dame with an aristocratic sounding name? Boston will love him.
36. 32. New York Giants — Jonathan Martin, OT, Stanford
Kevin: Hopefully this Stanford - New York partnership works better than the Roosevelt Island research campus. Anyone?
Jack: Kevin, touched on it earlier, but holy shit. There are a lot of Stanford guys that might go in the first round. Not bad for a school that unironically has a tree as a mascot. (A lesson in ironic mascots.)