1. 1. New Orleans Hornets — Anthony Davis
Jack: It’s not just that he has a unibrow. It’s that he has a unibrow that looks like the Hollister logo. The fifth season of Tremé is going to be about the city dealing with having to look at his face.
Ben: Incorrect. Chauncey Billups also looks like a Muppet.
2. 2. Charlotte Bobcats — Harrison Barnes
Jack: Wait, you mean Michael Jordan might reach on a player who played basketball at University Of North Carolina? I’m shocked. Shocked, I say.
Kevin: Harrison Barnes revealed his college decision to the COACHES via a public Skype session. Dick.
Ben: I split Knicks season tickets with a bunch of people and I somehow ended up seeing the Bobcats in two of the five games I went to this year. I’m not the world’s greatest negotiator.
3. 3. Washington Wizards — Bradley Beal
Jack: I love how everyone is so quick to compare Beal to Ray Allen when he shot 34% from 3. 122 players in the NBA shot better than that last year (at least 50 attempts) . One of them was DJ Augustin. That’s not a good sign.
Kevin: More like Bradley MCBEAL. That was a show.
Ben: The Wizards’ own nickname always seems like it’s mocking them. As in, “who were the basketball wizards who came up with THAT idea?”
4. 4. Cleveland Cavaliers — Michael Kidd-Gilchrist
Jack: MKG is exactly the kind of player that Michael Jordan the player would have loved. So of course Michael Jordan the owner hates him. As a Cavs fan I’d be ecstatic to get him here.
Kevin: Kidd-Gilchrist is an NBA-quality name, at the very least. Plus, he had the benefit of being “that great freshman on Kentucky who doesn’t look like an exotic bird.”
Ben: Expected to improve as a scoring threat once someone tells him he doesn’t have to play every game on his hands and knees.
5. 5. Sacramento Kings — Thomas Robinson
Jack: I just wish that Boogie Cousins and Tyreke were at the draft to greet T-Rob and slowly chant “One Of Us.” Mostly because watching a draftee cry of fear rather than happiness would be an interesting change of pace.
Kevin: Thomas Robinson looks like a 48-year-old insurance-claims adjuster, so I’m pretty sure he peaked when he was in 8th grade. Have fun drafting a guy who’ll be getting the AARP Magazine in two years, Sacramento.
Ben: AARP Magazine is the highest-circulation publication in the United States. I bet they’ve got more money than they know what to do with. If they so much as thought about offering me a job I’d be out of here faster than you can say 5,000-Word Think Piece About Water Aerobics.
6. 6. Portland Trailblazers — Damian Lillard
Jack: “Weber State making an appearance in the top 10!” Things that have never been said before, nor will ever be said again.
Kevin: Are we sure this guy is real? Does anyone have proof?
Ben: Damien Lillard’s name looks like a Muppet.
7. 7. Golden State Warriors — Andre Drummond
Jack: People say he didn’t care at UConn, but, and hear me out, what if he just realized that Jim Calhoun was a douchebag who didn’t deserve to succeed? So his playing poorly was actually a national service? What I’m saying is Golden State’s getting a hero.
Kevin: Andre Drummond is the Nicolas Cage of this year’s draft: he could legitimately be the best or worst center in the league.
Ben: I’m sympathetic to guys who aren’t entirely committed to the world of big-time college sports. It’s a stressful environment in which your day from dawn to midnight is scheduled for you by people who are going to work you to the bone because they’re scared of losing their job. You don’t have time to just be a teenager. You’re commercially exploited and screamed at in public. Something that should be one of the most life-affirming experiences possible—running and jumping and playing a game with your friends in the flower of your youth—becomes a high-stakes chore. You’re surrounded constantly by so-called “fans” whose cheap affection for you is entirely contingent on your ability to provide them the vicarious thrill of a victory they did nothing whatsoever to earn. Land on your knee the wrong way and your ass will get packed out the door, your future suddenly dark and you left sitting there wondering how you’re supposed to live in a world where no one knows or cares what you can do with a basketball.
Enjoy tonight’s NBA amateur draft!
8. 8. Toronto Raptors — Dion Waiters
Jack: This is that pick that has been rumored for so long that I almost believe it has to be a smoke screen. After all there’s no way that Waiters wouldn’t have faked his death at this point if he thought it was a foregone conclusion he was Toronto-bound.
Kevin: Syracuse! Looking forward to Waiters following in the proud footsteps of recent ‘Cuse picks Johnny Flynn, Wesley Johnson, and Andy Rautins.
Ben: “Runaround Sue” by ’50s doo-wop artist Dion is a nice karaoke ice-breaker. Fun singalong chorus.
9. 9. Detroit Pistons — John Henson
Jack: I have a new slogan to help them sell tickets, “The Detroit Pistons: We Love Average Big Guys.”
Kevin: Remember that time John Henson almost goal-tended a last second shot by Washington in the NCAA tourney? I remember that.
Ben: Disagree as a Pistons fan that Joe Dumars would be interested in him—he’s not a guard who can’t pass or a big man who can’t do anything at all.
10. 10. New Orleans Hornets — Austin Rivers
Jack: Austin Rivers thinks passing is when he walks around in Boston and people don’t treat him like the son of the Celtics’ beloved basketball coach. He hates passing.
Kevin: DU-U-U-U-U-U-U-U-U-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-k-e—-…….. *fades into ether*
Ben: Jack roots for Ohio State and Kevin roots for Duke. It’s like this column is sponsored by puked-up tequila shots.
11. 11. Portland Trailblazers — Jeremy Lamb
Jack: Jeremy Lamb always looks like he’s trying to remember if he DVR’d Game Of Thrones. Just season-pass it, Jeremy!
Kevin: UConn had a player named Lamb and a player named Wolf on the team last year. This wasn’t appreciated nearly enough at the time.
Ben: From Rudy Gay to Jeremy Lamb, UConn has a hallowed history of lanky swingmen who have first names that end with -y and last names that are cute or lighthearted. (We’re going with the old-fashioned definition of “gay.”) Hyped incoming freshman Squinky Pillowkitten is no exception.
12. 12. Houston Rockets — Terrence Ross
Jack: Why pretend like Houston’s making this pick? They are dead set on having Dwight Howard break their heart next year.
Kevin: Ross sounds like an oil-baron name. He and the two other Houston mid-round picks should come up with some cute “Three Musketeers”-themed nickname for themselves if they don’t all get traded for Dwight Howard.
Ben: This pick wants Stan Van Gundy fired.
Dwight Howard: [Considers telling us that three Dwight Howard references was too many, but then changes his mind.]
13. 13. Phoenix Suns — Arnett Moultrie
Jack: The annual “Phoenix Suns draft a big man whom we’ll all forget about in 9 months” pick.
Kevin: If you played for Mississippi State and your name isn’t Renardo Sidney, I have never heard of you.
Ben: Is named Arnett Poultrie in a parallel universe where everyone is a chicken.
14. 14. Milwaukee Bucks — Tyler Zeller
Jack: Tyler Zeller is like the Jermaine Jackson of the Zeller clan, only there’s no Michael. He’s jealous of Cody Zeller’s Tito.
Kevin: I am the only person in the world who can’t wait for Zeller and Miles Plumlee to meet on an NBA court.
Ben: Zydrunas Ilgauskas already owns the “Big Z” nickname. Zeller refuses to adopt my alternate suggestion of “Doctor Zoinks.”
15. 15. Philadelphia 76ers — Perry Jones III
Jack: Perry Jones III is like the iPhone 3GS of Perry Joneses.
Kevin: I like the influx of IIIs into professional sports this year.
Ben: Talking about players’ names to obscure a lack of knowledge of college basketball and sports in general is supposed to be my thing.
16. 16. Houston Rockets — Moe Harkless
Jack: Daryl Morey keeps trading away picks, but it seems he’ll probably find a way to draft this guy. I guess you can say he lost his Moe for a dude so Harkless… Eh? Eh?
Kevin: Five years from now: “You’ve just gotta go to Moe at the end of a close game.”
Ben: You wanna talk about a competitor? You wanna talk about a guy who knows how to score the basketball? You want to talk about a guy who can guard three positions? [Long silence]…Seriously, do you want to talk about any of those things? I ask because I’m very lonely.
17. 17. Dallas Mavericks — Terrence Jones
Jack: Remember when Terrence Jones would have been a top 8 pick last year? So does Terrence Jones. Every night.
Kevin: HAHAHA I BET JOHN CALIPARI DIDN’T EVEN KNOW YOUR NAME.
Ben: I keep getting Terrence Jones confused with Terrence Ross. But the weird thing is that it’s not Terrence Ross the 2012 draft prospect, it’s a guy named Terrence Ross who appears in my dreams to give me dental advice and is this weird hybrid of Terrence Malick, Ross from Friends, and Terrence Jones.
18. 18. Houston Rockets — Kendall Marshall
Jack: I had a joke here, but Daryl Morey just traded me Marcus Morris for it.
Kevin: It must be weird to play point for Roy Williams. “Hey coach, what play we should we run here?” “Ohhh I don’t know, Kendall. Why dont you do whatever you’d like. I’m sure it’ll be fine.”
Ben: His broken hand ruined my bracket. Literally. He came to my house and dripped broken-hand juice on my bracket.
19. 19. Orlando Magic — Jared Sullinger
Jack: Remember when Jared Sullinger would have been a top 5 pick last year? So does Jared, as he posts annoyed, passive agressive comments on Terrence Jones’ “woe is me” Facebook statuses.
Kevin: If Sullinger somehow falls to David Kahn, the world will be the best place.
Dwight Howard: [Demands that Jared Sullinger be drafted, threatens to move to Mexico if Jared Sullinger is drafted]
20. 20. Denver Nuggets — Meyers Leonard
Jack: Myers Leonard sounds like a test that some girl I’d meet on OkCupid would put a ton of stock in, and bother me about until I agreed to take it. That said, I can’t wait for him to hang out with JaVale McGee.
Kevin: Cole Aldrich 2.0.
Ben: The White Cole Aldrich.
21. 21. Boston Celtics — Royce White
Jack: You guys, this is nuts, but I heard he’s scared of flying. True story. I wonder if these NBA teams know that yet. Someone should tell them.
Kevin: Nothing like those players who will either be All-Stars or wash out of the league within a year. They’re the best.
Ben: The fear of flying thing is actually a misunderstanding related to a Facebook “like” he gave to the page for Erica Jong’s seminal 1973 novel of feminine sexual liberation, Fear of Flying.
22. 22. Boston Celtics — Andrew Nicholson
Jack: He’s a guy who apparently doesn’t like talking to the media. So thank God they don’t have that in Boston.
Kevin: More like Jack Nicholson. I don’t know.
Ben: One of those “trivia question” guys: as the first known NBA draft prospect whose scouting report is a mind-bending paradox, Nicholson’s strength is that he’s a great rebounder but his weakness is that he’s a terrible rebounder.
23. 23. Atlanta Hawks — Tony Wroten Jr.
Jack: Chad Ford said of him, “his shot is broken and he can be wild.” So he’ll fit right in with the Hawks.
Kevin: *puts on Jon Gruden mask* THIS GUY is a real dynamic player. He could really be an impact player next year, this guy, if he can keep everything under control. I’m just really excited to see this guy play quarterback in the National Football League.
Ben: “Mellow Yellow” came on my playlist just as I was getting to Fab Melo but then Tony Wroten Jr. had to come along and fuck up what would have been a nice little moment of levity for all of us.
24. 24. Cleveland Cavaliers — Fab Melo
Jack: Meh Melo.
Kevin: Dude, I love Fab.
Ben: Wow, we’re really phoning this one in.
25. 25. Memphis Grizzlies — Marquis Teague
Jack: I still can’t get over the fact that we live in a world where the Grizz have the 25th pick, because that’s how good they were last year, and not because Chris Wallace traded an all-star for it.
Kevin: Man, Jeff Teague was awesome in college. I didn’t know the French had made him a Marquis, though. Also, didn’t he get drafted already?
Ben: The Grizzlies’ “Catch Teague Fever” promotional campaign will be widely criticized when an epidemic of dengue fever kills everyone in Memphis except Zach Randolph, who it turns out impressively (but not entirely unsurprisingly!) has played his entire career while suffering from dengue fever, advanced diabetes and a form of chicken pox colloquially known as “buzzard’s gulch.”
26. 26. Indiana Pacers — Draymond Green
Jack: Draymond is my favorite name in the first round. I wish other people just had “D” in front of typical first names. “Drob.” “Dearl.” “Ddavid.”
Kevin: Whenever I hear Michigan State, the only thing I can think of is Tom Izzo’s Hawaiian shirts.
Ben: Beloved by teammates, praised for work ethic, known for multifaceted skills and in-game intelligence, will get picked behind at least ten guys who can’t shoot a free throw and barely know the rules of basketball but look better than him with their shirts off.
27. 27. Miami Heat — Festus Ezeli
Jack: I hear they already have a nickname planned for Festus in Miami: Festus “We won’t have to give Eddy Curry a ring next time” Ezeli. Long, but good.
Kevin: I bet you he’s great at the Feats of Strength.
Ben: The black White Cole Aldrich.
28. 28. Oklahoma City Thunder — Evan Fournier
Jack: This draft is pretty light on European guys. To make up for it, I hope Evan shows up in the stands of the draft wearing a five o’clock shadow, greased back hair, and an open collared shirt, while blowing cigarette smoke in David Stern’s face.
Kevin: Not nearly enough French dudes in the NBA. I hope Sarkozy goes to his games.
Ben: Impressed that he learned basketball in the midst of the French famine I apparently didn’t hear about. Jesus that’s a skinny fellow.
29. 29. Chicago Bulls — Quincy Miller
Jack: If Quincy could survive the highlighter jerseys, he’ll be able to survive the Rose-less Bulls.
Kevin: I bet you Joakim Noah plays some awful pranks on the Chicago rookies. Like, “Nair in the shampoo bottle” bad.
Ben: He’s no Quincy Miller III.
30. 30. Golden State Warriors — Jeffrey Taylor
Jack: This face is the perfect reaction to this pick. He’s pumping his fist, but is he really sure he wants to be a Warrior?
Kevin: I can’t believe we have two Vanderbilt players going in the first round of an NBA mock draft.
Ben: Would’ve gone to Baylor but they refused his demand to call the team “Baylor’s Taylors” with an Italian guy making a suit as their mascot.