It Must Be A Pain Being Named Chris Brown But Not Being THAT Chris Brown

“Ha, yes, that’s funny, no, I’m not going to punch you.”

Katy Winn, file / AP

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Singer Chris Brown, whose nickname down at the saloon is “Ol’ Violencey,” is in the news again, this time because Los Angeles prosecutors allege that community service records related to his assault conviction were at best kept sloppily and at worst comically falsified.

There are somewhere in the neighborhood of 3,000 United States residents named Chris Brown, and the ones who aren’t the one who’s always getting arrested have likely endured a roller coaster of name-related emotion over their lifetime.

Here are the Three Major Life Stages Of Being Chris Brown But Not That Chris Brown, as we imagine them.

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Stage I (antiquity-2004) — You’re Just Named Chris Brown


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Chris Browns are aware they have a somewhat common name, but don’t think much about it. Their most famous doppleganger is probably a guy in the Canadian pop-rock scene.

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Stage II (2004-2007) — Wow, This Other Chris Brown Is, Like, The Next Michael Jackson, That’s Pretty Cool

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Good singer, great dancer. “Forever” is a catchy song. Chris Browns walk with an extra pep in their step.

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Stage III (2009-present): Oh, Christ.

David McNew / Getty Images

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Chris Browns hang their heads in shame.

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This last, crucial stage of Chris Brown-ness began when he was arrested for assaulting Rihanna. It’s been highlighted by incidents such as trying to break a Good Morning America dressing room window with a chair (the most gangster way to wile out at Good Morning America) and allegedly punching Frank Ocean in a dispute over parking.

Unfortunately for other Chris Browns, Stage III is currently projected to continue forever.

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Sorry, man.

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