1. When he asked the most important questions.
Important question: Did Green Day want to wake up on September 30th or October 1st?
Seriously though, what is the answer to this? Did we ever find out?
2. When he'd had enough of statement cookies.
I am really sick of fortune cookies with statements in them. Bitch, I know I have a good attitude. BUT WHAT IS MY FUTURE THO?
3. When he thought up the app that everybody needs.
Can there be an app that notifies you when there's a booger hanging out of your fucking nose?
4. When he voiced all of our struggles perfectly.
Whenever I offer someone food, I don't mean it and I immediately regret letting that fake shit escape my mouth.
"I didn't mean it, get off my chips."
5. When he acknowledged the incredible human strength we have deep inside.
I never know my own strength until I wanna carry all my groceries upstairs in one trip.
6. When he talked about pizza.
How does one stop thinking of pizza constantly, all the time, at random parts of the day?
7. And hot dogs.
I hate when you shake the ketchup bottle for five minutes and the Nile River still pours out and ruins your hot dog bun.
8. But didn't have time to be Sherlock Holmes.
I don't trust any establishment with the term "mystery meat" on their menu. Our food should not be a Nancy Drew novel. Bye.
9. When he acknowledged that eating food in front of a potential date is no Lady and the Tramp situation.
Cute waiters need to STOP. I can't even enjoy my meal because I'm trying to not look like a starved wildebeest in their presence.
10. When he didn't have time for people messing up potential future relationships.
This hottie just asked if the middle seat was available and the woman in the aisle seat said no and I wanna throw her off the aircraft.
11. When he went prepared for the inevitable.
About to see Magic Mike XXL. Taking a parka and a raft in case the women and gays cause the theater to flood.
12. When his sarcasm won.
Did you guys know MINIONS came out today? I had no idea. They haven't promoted it at all. This is such a shock.
13. When he basically cancelled the day because why would you carry on knowing you didn't wake up feeling like P Diddy?
Woke up this morning not necessarily feeling like P Diddy and I don't know if I'm okay with that.
14. When he told us the truth about lighting.
It's crazy how lighting makes the difference between you looking like Tyra Banks and a Gringotts goblin.
15. When he continued to ask important questions.
Apple Music and Tidal are cool, but when is food gonna be able to appear out of thin air?
16. When he voiced all of our struggles about reaching Friday.
Friday was stuck in traffic this week or something because it took entirely too long to arrive.
17. When he took no shit for out-of-date coupons.
It is SO FUNNY when an old crush all of a sudden sees how amazing you are. And you're like... bitch, your coupon expired.
18. When he said what everybody everywhere was feeling.
I wish you could send emotions on vacation. Or at least get them a babysitter for like five hours.
"We'll pick you up around 5, bye until then."
19. When he tweeted about the struggle of hating people.
Finding people you can hang out with constantly (without wanting to chop their heads off) is so rare.
20. When he told everybody to prove someone wrong.
If someone doubts a dream or goal you have, make it your life mission to prove the fucker wrong.
21. And to never compare life to a fake reality.
Your relationships will never be like the movies. Stop comparing a lifetime to an hour and a half.
22. When he won on Twitter and created his own version of "You is kind, you is smart, you is important."
Don't ever let anyone make you feel bad for evolving as a person. Change is good, change is necessary, change is progress.
23. And then went back to being cynical and hilarious.
What the hell is the "alternate ending" on the 50 Shades of Grey blu-ray? Does he slap her in the tit instead of her ass?