The 18 Stages Of A Full-Blown "Cookie Clicker" Addiction

Cookie Clicker is the most addictive game on the internet. Whatever you do, don’t play it. Or do. Oh god, please do.

1. Stage One: “Oh, I’ve heard about this. Maybe I’ll check it out.”

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2. Stage Two: Cookie Clicker begins to interfere with regular responsibilities.

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3. Stage Three: You tell a few friends. It spreads.

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At this point you may realize that you might just play a little too much, but that it’s not a huge problem.

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4. Stage Four: You start seeing Golden Cookies in places you shouldn’t be seeing Golden Cookies.

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5. Stage Five: You buy expensive peripherals to click cookies at peak efficiency.

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6. Stage Six: Child labor.

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7. Stage Seven: You hack your machine to try to make the experience “more authentic.”

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8. Stage Eight: You begin to lose touch with your loved ones.

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9. Stage Nine: You can’t stop thinking about the game. Life begins to look a lot like this.

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10. Stage Ten: This isn’t a god-damned game anymore.

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11. Stage Eleven: You sell a grandma, just to see how it feels. (It doesn’t feel good.)

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12. Stage Twelve: You begin to test the limits of Cookie Clicker. No one man should have all those cursors.

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13. Stage Thirteen: You’re working on a whole other level. You scoff at people still working with seven digits.

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14. Stage Fourteen: You can’t stop thinking about grandmas. They invade your dreams.

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15. Stage Fifteen: …And your nightmares.

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At this point you may try to quit.

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…But you know that it’s impossible.

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16. Stage Sixteen: You try to break your addiction by actually baking cookies. It doesn’t help.

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At this point you may begin to question what it all means. Why do we do the things we do? Why do we click the cookies we click? Why?

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17. Stage Seventeen: You reset. It was inevitable. (But now at least you can start collecting those sweet heavenly chips.)

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At this point you might feel like Mel here. You are free. You are carrying a flag. You are about to stab a horse. But there is still a war going on… a war you can’t avoid.

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18. Stage Eighteen: Just when you thought you were done, you start challenging yourself. 20 trillion cookies with no clicks and no cursors. Baller.

You deserve it.

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