1. Dear World, this is Jennifer Lopez in 2014. She’s 44 and SMOKING HOT.
2. This is Jennifer Lopez at 22, as a “fly girl” on In Living Color. Is it just me or is J.Lo getting hotter and hotter as each year passes by?!
3. 1995 – If my theory is correct, then “Jenny from the Block” has been catfishing us all for the past 19 years.
4. 1996 — Like, I think some serious “Benjamin Buttoning” is happening around here.
5. 1997 — Watch in utter wonder as she gets hotter and hotter with each passing year.
6. 1998 — I mean 1998 was such a good year in the J.Lo anti-aging campaign that George Clooney started to pay attention.
* whispers into Jennifer’s ear * “Give me your youth.”
7. 1999 — Oh, hey, GOLD DRESS, looking damn fine.
8. 2000 — And then there was 2000, the year of Y2K, Gladiator, and the dress that literally stopped time. YES, TIME LITERALLY STOPPED for J.Lo’s dress.
Also LOL at P. Diddy.
9. 2001 — Big fucking year for Jennifer Lopez, folks. First, the best rom-com ever, The Wedding Planner, comes out.
And we all wish someone would “save my shoe.”
10. She “got real” with Ja Rule.
11. And…she wore this hat.
Let it be known, J.Lo loved big hats eons before Pharrell. Also LOL at Chris Judd.
12. 2002 — Under immense pressure, Jennifer’s hair regresses in its hotness value, her face, however, moves bravely onward toward it goal of 2014 hotness.
13. 2003 — Bennifer emerges in all its Hollywood glory. Jennifer continues to get sexier.
14. 2004 — DISASTER: Our beloved Bennifer separates. Jennifer gives no fucks, like a hot phoenix from the hot ashes she emerges even hotter than before.
“My bangs hide my sadness,” she whispers quietly to herself as smiles for the photographers.
15. 2005 — J from the B is IN LOVE AGAIN! She appears on TRL looking all kinds of adorable.
Also, LOL TRL.
16. “Isn’t it hilarious how hot I am?”
17. 2006 — J.Lo grows hotter by the minute. Marc Anthony? Well…
* looks wistfully into the distance and thinks of Bennifer *
18. 2007 — An aging portrait of Jennifer Lopez hangs hidden in an attic somewhere. She is Dorian Gray.
19. Also: J.Lo returns to TRL, this time with Lizzie McGuire in tow. Why TRL continues to be a thing in 2007 is anyone’s guess.
Also RIP Lizzie McGuire. LIZZIE + GORDO 5EVA!
20. 2008 — Jenny arrives to an event wearing this while she stares into the souls of everyone in a 10-foot radius. The whole world collectively faints.
By our calculations Jennifer Lopez has now reverse aged to 25.
21. 2009 — Lopez turns 40, and wears this skintight bodysuit as a big, giant fuck-you to all the haters.
22. Marc Anthony is still around, and apparently loves the bodysuit.
Like, a lot.
23. 2010 — Good year. Matthew and Jennifer are reunited and we all pray that The Wedding Planner 2: Mary Gets Married will become a reality.
24. Here is a close-up of her face. The woman is ***FLAWLESS.
GOD DAMN GOD DAMN
25. 2011 — Jennifer joins American Idol. She basks in the glory of her own hotness.
Steven Tyler contemplates the best way to steal J’s eternal youth.
26. 2012 — Good-bye, Marc; hello, Casper, hereafter known as the friendly hottie.
Now that Jennifer has reverse aged to approximately 22, she begins dating fly-ass twentysomethings.
27. 2013 — Transformation 90% complete. J.Lo is hotter than you and she knows it. Thus she makes this face at you in pity.
28. 2014 — Jennifer Lopez is crowned hotter than anyone who ever lived. Through her reverse-aging process she has given hope to people everywhere who have not yet reached their peak.
Age: 45 (in July)
29. 2050 – Through the miracle of “science,” we have predicted what J.Lo will look like at 81.
Yeah, she still looks better than you. Sorry ‘bout it.