1. Peacock Sleeves
Peacocking is what Rihanna does best, after all.
2. These Jewelry-Print Overalls
3. Monochromatic Grandma Suits
Ideally with a contrasting lipstick taped to the tag.
4. This Outfit, As A Set
You know, the way you buy bathing suits that are sold top and bottom together.
5. A Red Tuxedo With Pink Accents
This is so great — it says “I teach aerobics and trade mutual funds” all at once.
6. DIY Denim Hotpants Kit
Rihanna’s boundless jorts collection is like the holy grail of all that is denim and not full pants. All she’d need to do is stuff some stretch denim knee-length jorts, scissors and paper pattern with dotted lines all over it into a box and presto! She’s got a kit to put in bins by the checkout counter. Studs or other bedazzlement could come in the kits for an additional charge.
7. Shirts That Say Inappropriate Things
Like RICH. How obnoxious would that be on the hipsters?
Or fake proper nouns based on fashion label names, like RADARTE (a riff on Rodarte). Suggestions include: Rag & Boned; Ballsmain; Michael Whores.
8. Pajamas As Cocktail Wear
Women deserve looks like this for fancy occasions to make up for all the time so many of us — including Rihanna — spend being uncomfortable because we’re wearing something.
9. Decorated Fanny Packs
Another DIY kit possibility — think of all the buttons she could offer for bedazzling these with. Dollar signs yes, but also: rainbows, martini glasses, cats…
10. Shoe Pants
For people who worked so hard on their DIY jorts they can’t bear not to wear them in the winter.
12. Novelty Visors
Or anything that looks like it came from the Magic Mike yard sale.
13. Serial Killer Gloves
Great for night…
14. Statement Garters
Because in Rihanna land, garters don’t disappear under clothes — they ARE clothes!
15. Black Marker
For those moments when the tattoo artist can’t be found.
16. Many Slinky Dresses That Look Like This
In 80 different colors.
17. Pants-Substituting Hosiery
Because you can’t wear jorts every day, sometimes it’s more eye-catching to make your thighs look like fencing.