1. Jeah Nail Art
Ryan will want to capitalize on his female fan base by offering some special things just for the ladies. What better way to get them to love him even more (like, so that they spend money on his JEAH nonsense) than starting a JEAH nail art craze?
Suggested price: $8.99 for each set of stickers, which will ideally be made available at most major drug stores.
2. Jeah Goggles
You know, like beer goggles. Unisex.
Suggested price: $14.99. They should be the new version of those plastic neon shades that bars hand out way too much these days.
3. Jeah Grill
He would obviously be remiss not to include some sparkly dentures.
Suggested price: $1,299. The high/low mix thing is very “now” and could work nicely in Ryan’s product line.
4. Jeah Kitty Litter
Because cats demand the best, too.
Suggested price: $16.99, which may seem high but at least lets you know you’re getting something special.
5. Jeah Manties
“Oh jeah.” Etc.
Suggested price: $34.99 for box of three.
6. Jeah Bikini
This has a Jersey Shore tie-in written all over it. But I could also see Rihanna wearing it and making it “cool.”
Suggested price: $49.99 for the top (mix-and-match bottoms should be sold separately). Might I also suggest an exclusive retail partner, like Victoria’s Secret?
7. Jeah the Fragrance
It’s a given. What do you think Jeah smells like? I say beer and Kiehl’s products.
Suggested price: $59.99 for a large. May as well just sell this at Macy’s next to Beyoncé and Jennifer Aniston’s scents.
8. Jeah the Mitt Romney Talking Point
Who do you think can use “jeah” better in a sentence? Barack Obama or Mitt Romney?
Suggested price: I’ve given enough financial information, I’m not giving any more.
9. Jeah Speedo
I’d be surprised if Lochte didn’t have this on file already.
Suggested price: $89.99, assuming it’s made with patented Speedo technology that makes people swim fast.
10. Jeah Temporary Tattoos
Suggested price: $19.99 for a pack of 25.
11. Jeah Haircut
I hope the other side of his head reads: “2012?” (Making the answer: “JEAH”)
Suggested price: This has to be cheap — like $18.99 — because I sort of doubt Barack would splurge on an elitist haircut at this point.
12. Jeah Dog Grooming
Apparently there is a world of competitive grooming in which people turn dogs into other things (in this case, a dragon, and I’m not making that up).
Suggested price: Something that no one would be able to afford because this seems cruel/wrong and needs to stop?
13. And what better way to get the word out about all these products than with some guerilla marketing?
14. Oh, I know — some VIRAL marketing.
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