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14 Things That Have Different Meanings When You’re Left-Handed

Haters to the right.

1. “Scissors”

What it usually means: A tool used for cutting or for brandishing at smaller siblings.

What it means to lefties: An ancient torture device that sometimes leaves you hacking at a piece of paper because no one can ever find that one pair of left-handed scissors that’s floating somewhere in the universe.

2. “Can Opener”

Paramount Pictures

 

What is usually means: A tool used for opening the can of tuna that’s been at the back of your pantry since 2002.

What it means to lefties: An instrument of death that makes you shift into a series of angles that human bodies are not made to withstand.

3. “First Day of School”

Ethan S. H. Fried / Via thecrimson.com

What it usually means: A fresh start! Knowledge! The opportunity for an undercover cop to pose as a fresh2death millennial and allow hijinks to ensue!

What it means to lefties: Quickly scanning the classroom to grab the one left-handed desk, if there even is one. Otherwise, it means looking forward to a year of performing unnatural and possibly illegal contortions in order to write.

4. “Dinner Party”

ESPN / Via cdn.rsvlts.com

What it usually means: A gathering where friends and/or family partake in food and tedious small talk until someone gets drunk and starts talking about moon landing conspiracy theories.

What it means to lefties: A brutal battle where no elbow emerges unscathed.

5. “Binder”

CBS

MTV

 

What it usually means: A place to keep your papers and thoughts organized until the snaps come apart and everything goes flying to the floor.

What it means to lefties: A tool forged in hell to annoy you as you attempt to write.

6. “Writing”

Indi Samarajiva / Creative Commons / Via Flickr: indi

What it usually means: Committing words to a page using a writing utensil. Retro texting.

What it means to lefties: Smearing ink or lead across the side of one’s hand because life is not fair and no one is looking out for you and nothing matters.

7. “SmudgeGuard”

What it usually means: An open glove meant to prevent lefties’ hands from being stained as they write. A toe shoe for your hand.

What it means to lefties: A hand garment created by the Righty Industrial Complex to make us look foolish.

8. “Cooking”

Tumblr

Oxygen

 

What it usually means: Preparing food when you should have just ordered pizza.

What it means to lefties: Wrestling with a saucepan that has a lip on the wrong side so that you end up sloshing half your cooking liquid all over the counter like some moron in a late-night infomercial. Although thank goodness for these things.

9. “Mug”

What it usually means: A vessel from which to sip the blood of your enemies.

What it means to lefties: A vessel from which to sip the blood of our right-handed oppressors on which cute little novelty slogans are usually printed so that we cannot see them as we imbibe.

10. “Baseball”

MLB / Via buzzfeed.com

What is usually means: A sport that involves throwing a ball and running while wearing pajamas.

What it means to lefties: Gingerly placing your hand into the one lefty glove, if you can even find it, that smells like it is haunted by the ghosts of a million farts.

11. “Camera”

Tumblr / Via tumblr.com

What it usually means: A device that takes photos of food.

What it means for lefties: A frustrating device that takes photos of food.

12. “Gun”

20th Century Fox / Summit Entertainment / Via tumblr.com

What it usually means: A weapon used in hunting, law enforcement, straight-up murder, firing paintballs at frenemies, or any combination of these.

What it means to lefties: A potentially bad idea.

13. “Video Game”

Parlophone/EMI, Virgin/EMI, Warner Bros. Records / Via tumblr.com

What it usually means: A way to unwind and have fun, usually while murdering pixelated people and/or demons.

What it means to lefties: Using a controller that acts as a constant reminder of the Righty Industrial Complex’s vendetta against its superior left-handed brethren.

14. “Lefty”

CNN

MTV

CW

 

What it usually means: A person who favors his or her left hand when writing and performing other functions. Also, sometimes it means political stuff.

What is means to lefties: A person who puts up with a lot of crap.

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