What it usually means: A tool used for cutting or for brandishing at smaller siblings.
What it means to lefties: An ancient torture device that sometimes leaves you hacking at a piece of paper because no one can ever find that one pair of left-handed scissors that’s floating somewhere in the universe.
2. “Can Opener”
What is usually means: A tool used for opening the can of tuna that’s been at the back of your pantry since 2002.
What it means to lefties: An instrument of death that makes you shift into a series of angles that human bodies are not made to withstand.
3. “First Day of School”
What it usually means: A fresh start! Knowledge! The opportunity for an undercover cop to pose as a fresh2death millennial and allow hijinks to ensue!
What it means to lefties: Quickly scanning the classroom to grab the one left-handed desk, if there even is one. Otherwise, it means looking forward to a year of performing unnatural and possibly illegal contortions in order to write.
4. “Dinner Party”
What it usually means: A gathering where friends and/or family partake in food and tedious small talk until someone gets drunk and starts talking about moon landing conspiracy theories.
What it means to lefties: A brutal battle where no elbow emerges unscathed.
What it usually means: A place to keep your papers and thoughts organized until the snaps come apart and everything goes flying to the floor.
What it means to lefties: A tool forged in hell to annoy you as you attempt to write.
What it usually means: Committing words to a page using a writing utensil. Retro texting.
What it means to lefties: Smearing ink or lead across the side of one’s hand because life is not fair and no one is looking out for you and nothing matters.
What it usually means: An open glove meant to prevent lefties’ hands from being stained as they write. A toe shoe for your hand.
What it means to lefties: A hand garment created by the Righty Industrial Complex to make us look foolish.
What it usually means: Preparing food when you should have just ordered pizza.
What it means to lefties: Wrestling with a saucepan that has a lip on the wrong side so that you end up sloshing half your cooking liquid all over the counter like some moron in a late-night infomercial. Although thank goodness for these things.
What it usually means: A vessel from which to sip the blood of your enemies.
What it means to lefties: A vessel from which to sip the blood of our right-handed oppressors on which cute little novelty slogans are usually printed so that we cannot see them as we imbibe.
What is usually means: A sport that involves throwing a ball and running while wearing pajamas.
What it means to lefties: Gingerly placing your hand into the one lefty glove, if you can even find it, that smells like it is haunted by the ghosts of a million farts.
What it usually means: A device that takes photos of food.
What it means for lefties: A frustrating device that takes photos of food.
What it usually means: A weapon used in hunting, law enforcement, straight-up murder, firing paintballs at frenemies, or any combination of these.
What it means to lefties: A potentially bad idea.
13. “Video Game”
What it usually means: A way to unwind and have fun, usually while murdering pixelated people and/or demons.
What it means to lefties: Using a controller that acts as a constant reminder of the Righty Industrial Complex’s vendetta against its superior left-handed brethren.
- Doctors Without Borders is demanding a war crimes investigation into the U.S. bombing of its Afghan hospital. ›
- Syrian troops launched a major ground offensive, backed by Russian airstrikes, against opposition forces. ›
- Tomas Lindahl, Paul Modrich, and Aziz Sancar have won the Nobel Prize in chemistry for figuring out how cells repair DNA. ›