84 Things More Enjoyable Than The Oppressive Summer Heat

I’m 90% sure that I am melting.

1. Having your eyes pried open and being forced to watching hours upon hours of propaganda videos, Clockwork Orange-style.
2. Stepping in dog poop.
3. Stepping in dog poop with both shoes.
4. Stepping in dog poop with both shoes while simultaneously being shit on by a pigeon.
5. Being shit on by 25 pigeons.
6. Crawling slowly through an extremely full sewage pipe.
7. Having a hangnail and not being able to get rid of it.
8. Having a blister on your big toe.
9. Having blisters on all of your toes.
10. Being covered in blisters, all over your entire body.
11. Having Serena Williams serve a tennis ball right at your genitals.
12. Having Serena Williams serve a tennis ball right at your genitals from point-blank range.

Mike Ehrmann / Staff / Getty Images

13. Having the plot of Snakes on a Plane happen to you IRL.
14. Being possessed by an evil spirit.
15. Drinking from what you think is a bottle of water only to have it be straight vodka.
16. Ordering a chai latte and being given a regular latte.
17. Ordering a chai latte and being given a vial of arsenic.
18. Only being able to listen to Nickelback for an entire year.
19. Being able to look at a dog but not actually being able to pet it.
20. People who wear Crocs regularly.
21. People who wear popped collars regularly.
22. People who wear oversized leopard-print fedoras regularly.
23. Going for a haircut and having them accidentally chop off all of your hair.

24. When people say “like” before basically every word when they speak.
25. Swimming in a large pool surrounded by sharks, but knowing they won’t actually attack you.
26. The longest traffic jam you have ever seen.
27. Moldy bread.
28. Moldy cheese, but not like blue cheese or anything that’s supposed to be moldy.
29. When you try to break in new shoes and they scrape the back of your heel.
30. Losing all of your clothes in the middle of a public setting and having to walk to the nearest clothing store naked to buy some new ones.
31. Losing a spelling bee because you forgot how to spell the word “rhythm”.
32. Losing a spelling bee because you literally can’t spell any words.
33. Waking up to find a tarantula crawling on your leg.
34. Waking up to find a tarantula crawling on your face.
35. Waking up to find that you have morphed into a tarantula.
36. Tarantulas everywhere.

37. Being transported to an alternate universe where it causes you severe pain every time you yawn.
38. Reading a book in a language you don’t understand and then having to write a 20-page report on it.
39. A herd of cats takes over the universe and enslaves us all.
40. Being barred from the internet for a whole week.
41. People only speak to you in puns for the rest of your life.
42. Before you can say anything, you first have to perform a complex dance move that involves transitioning from a handstand into a split.
43. Never being able to get down from a handstand.
44. Only being able to eat plain, unseasoned tofu for the rest of your life.

45. Undergoing dental surgery every day for a year.
46. Preparing for a colonoscopy.
47. Tripping over your feet and having everyone around see it.
48. Tripping over your feet, literally falling onto the ground and badly scraping yourself, and having everyone see it.
49. That thing where you figure out you’re walking the wrong way in the middle of a block and have to try to turn around without people realizing what you did.
50. Only being able to talk using lyrics from Iggy Azalea songs.
51. A traffic light turning red just as you get to it.
52. Catching every single red light on your way home from work.
53. Crawling through an air-duct like in a cute teen romantic-comedy except you find out that your crush is actually a serial killer while you’re up there and you need to escape.
54. Watching a 3D movie without having 3D glasses.
55. The ground you walk on automatically turns to quicksand when you make contact with it.

56. Inventing a time machine but only being able to take it back to the night you were conceived.
57. Your entire family is taken hostage by an evil mastermind intent on taking over the world.
58. Your entire family is taken hostage by an evil mastermind intent on taking over the world and the only way to get them back is to eat five pounds of kale in one sitting.
59. Eating five pounds of kale in one sitting.
60. Eating five pounds of kale, period.
61. Getting a tattoo on your face that reads “Bite me.”
62. When you recognize someone walking towards you on the street and you’re not sure at what point to wave politely, or if you should just try to ignore them, or if you need to stop and make actual small talk.
63. Saying “So sue me” to someone except they actually sue you and then win the lawsuit.
64. Jury duty every day for an entire year.
65. Taking a 14-hour plane ride.
66. Sitting next to a crying baby during that entire plane ride.
67. Being stuck on a roller coaster midway through the ride.
68. Going to the bathroom and then discovering that there’s no toilet paper.
69. People listening to their music really loudly and it’s like, you’re using headphones, WHY CAN I STILL HEAR THIS?
70. Being unable to use text, email, or other internet services to make appointments, so you actually have to call someone.
71. Talking on the phone in general.
72. Being approached by a lot of scary-looking bears.

73. Getting to a jar of Nutella right as the last bit has been scooped out of it.
74. Hover cars are invented but you are the only person on earth who can’t use one.
75. Every time anyone says the phrase “stick in the mud,” you are slapped across the face by an actual muddy stick.
76. Not being able to delete tweets with typos in them.
77. When people spoil Netflix shows the day after their premiere.
78. Being forced to rewatch the Red Wedding from Game of Thrones over and over again.
79. Literally never being able to stop peeing.
80. Being approached by a talking cow and you think it’s friendly at first but then it starts threatening you and it gets kind of scary, but you’re like, “Hey man, I don’t know what they told you I did, but I swear that wasn’t me,” but the cow’s not having any of it.
81. Having hot chocolate without those little marshmallows.
82. Never eating candy ever again.
83. Every article of clothing you own magically transforms into camouflage cargo shorts.
84. LITERALLY ANYTHING GOD DAMN IT STOP THE HEAT PLEASE.

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