I asked Siri how much Apple pays her per hour and she began to sob.â€” Andy Borowitz (@BorowitzReport) February 15, 2012
Each time a kid types “amirite” instead of “am I right” they should have to watch their parents fuck.â€” Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) February 15, 2012
So whaddya think? And yes, they are prescription. twitter.com/crystalbowersoâ€¦â€” Crystal Bowersox (@crystalbowersox) February 15, 2012
I wonder how many accidents have been caused by car-aoke Whitney tributes this week.â€” olivia wilde (@oliviawilde) February 15, 2012
Woody Guthrie’s guitar said This Machine Kills Fascists. My macbook says This Machine Kills Boners For a Little While, Like 15-30 Minutes.â€” Kumail Nanjiani (@kumailn) February 15, 2012
My fellow Harvard students showed me the cover ofâ€” Tyra Banks (@tyrabanks) February 15, 2012
<a href="https://twitter.com/SI_Swimsuit">SI_Swimsuit</a>â€¦wowKateUpton â€“ way to show off ur beauty & shape! Fa-fa-fa-fab curves!
MEGADETH frontman DAVE MUSTAINErecently backed Rick Santorum for president. Cool! I can finally stop pretending to like MEGADETHâ€” Jonah Ray (@jonahray) February 15, 2012
Come over here girl, and lemme drop some of this Love Ranch in ya lapâ€” Damon Wayans Yunior? (@wayansjr) February 15, 2012
“yo I need to live my LIFE with safe search off!” - google programmer, drunk, realizing he has to #keepitcrispyâ€” Pete Holmes (@peteholmez) February 15, 2012
i think i spent a year of my life eating nothing but cool ranch doritos and ecto cooler.â€” Pete Wentz - RE:PETE (@petewentz) February 15, 2012
My son: what are all these valentines? What about candy?â€” mary lynn rajskub (@rajskub) February 15, 2012
If Asian Harvard grads are gonna dominate the NBA, what’s left for the rest of us?â€” Ted Alexandro (@tedalexandro) February 15, 2012
Thanks for the map. Without it I’d get lost.say.ly/haF1qF1â€” Hope Dworaczyk (@HopeDworaczyk) February 15, 2012
If it was between me and the other guy, wouldn’t you always go with me?I mean almost always?Right?â€” matthew lillard (@MatthewLillard) February 15, 2012
Just wrote an essay. Think it turned out pretty good. Can’t wait for you guys to read it!â€” Kendra Wilkinson (@KendraWilkinson) February 15, 2012
Chris Brown tweets: Hate all u want becuz I got a Grammy. R. Kelly, El Debarge? Once again, you beat the shit out of a weak opponent #cowardâ€” Lisa Lampanelli (@LisaLampanelli) February 15, 2012
Not for nothing, but @michaelianblack just RT’d someone while we are on the phone. I have caught him and he has apologized.â€” Mike Birbiglia (@birbigs) February 15, 2012
That awkward moment when you’re looking everywhere for your cell phone, and you slowly realize you’re currently on it. #SpaceCadetâ€” MichelleTrachtenberg (@RealMichelleT) February 15, 2012
Welcome to Austin, TX. twitter.com/benkweller/staâ€¦â€” Ben Kweller (@benkweller) February 15, 2012
I want to take karate but it’s too expensive so I’m going to do a bunch of meth and convince myself I’m Bruce Lee.â€” Nick Swardson (@NickSwardson) February 15, 2012
Kelloggâ€™s is buying out Pringles. Should my next shame-based breakfast b sourcream+onion or salt+vinegar flavored?â€” Kathy Griffin (@kathygriffin) February 15, 2012
- Ivanka Trump is moving from her informal role as first daughter to a formal job within the White House as the president's assistant.
- Lyft has started testing a shuttle service in San Francisco and Chicago.
- Let the Brexit countdown begin: Prime Minister Theresa May has invoked Article 50. Britain is set to leave the EU by 2019.
- The first official trailer for the latest adaptation of Stephen King's iconic novel "It" has dropped, and it's the creepiest thing you'll see all year.