10 Things Joe Biden Is Thankful For This Thanksgiving

Hey everybody. Uncle Joe here again. People may not know this, but Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. Why? Because cranberry looks like blood jello. How cool is that.

1.

roadartretro.com / Via roadartretro.com

Hot Dogs

There only a few things better than hot dogs. The first time you see a naked woman. The sound of Eagles playing the opening chords of "Hotel California." The first season of "Two And A Half Men." Other than that? Nothing. The GOP just made Pizza a vegetable? Psh... I've been pushing to make vegetables hot dogs for a long time. And that's way more impressive.

2.

Those TV Shows You Like

I love to watch fun shows like "The Community" and "Parks And Recreation Department." If we were to get re-elected, I could see what we could do about keeping both shows around for a long time. People don't realize that my full title is Vice President Of Programming Of The United States. The whole thing was too long for my business cards or the crest, so they abbreviated it. But Arrested Development's coming back... Who do you think did that?

3.

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Barry Obama

B-Ho, aka Barracking The Suburbsama, aka Sir. He's a smart, funny, awesome dude. Secretly a great karaoke singer. His go-to song is "Tom Sawyer" by Rush. It's a Cirque du Soleil level spectacle. He's a showoff who brings acrobats to karaoke is what I'm saying. But he's my boss and he'll probably read this, so I have to be nice. Just kidding about that last part Barry!

4.

John Boehner

I am thankful that the leader of our opposition is so out of touch with the American people. I am thankful that the opposition's leader gleefully cow tows to the rich, while simultaneously blocking any attempts we make to improve life for the middle class...

Just kidding. I'm thankful that his name looks like a stiffy. Obviously.

5.

Safety Scissors

Without whom I would have lost my life on many occasions (that trip to Mexico was unspeakably crazy). Thank you safety scissors. Thank you.

6.

The Films Of François Roland Truffaut

No film has ever tapped into the very marrow of me the way that "The 400 Blows" did. Well, "Paul Blart: Mall Cop" was close, but thematically it didn't quite resonate the way that Truffaut's other work did.

7.

Hand Buzzers

I would say that this little item, more than anything else, established me as the funniest guy in DC. That and my Jimmy "Carvel" Carville impression.

8.

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That "Two And A Half Men" Weathered The Storm

I'll be honest. I thought the best show on tv was done after they replaced Charlie with the young guy from GI Jane with his hair grown out. I thought America would tune out. That the show would die with Charlie Harper on that train track in Europe. But I was wrong. The show has grown deeper. The writing more human. We are lucky to be witnessing a creative renaissance like none we've ever seen in the medium. God bless CBS.

9.

The Toronto Argonauts Of The Canadian Football League

You don't know real football till you've seen the Argos march up and down a field. I'd love to see Tom Brady and his pretty boys try to take on my Toronto terrors. Until the NFL comes to its senses and answers one of my many emails demanding a team for Delaware, the Argos will be my boys.

10.

World Of Goo

This game has everything I'm looking for in a killer phone game. Great physics. Fun score. Hilarious porny name that I can loudly talk to Barry about in front of cabinet members and press. "Excuse me Mr. Ambassador, I just need to borrow Barry for a second... Okay this is important. It's called World Of Goo and you have to play with the goo now!" It doesn't get better than that.