It's safe to say that many women are realizing society sells motherhood like a pipe dream. And while any life experience can include a range of good and bad, it doesn't help that gender norms hold women to merciless parenting standards.
Of course, that's not to say that motherhood is bad — just that it's important to be informed of the realities of it, whether you're considering having kids or looking for some validation of your parenting. To increase that awareness, u/Stranger_not_danger asked women, "What is a lie about motherhood that you want to warn future mothers about?"
Here are 34 of their candid, thoughtful, and compassionate answers:
Note: This post contains discussions of abuse and trauma.
1. "That you must sacrifice every single bit of your body, time, and soul for your children. If breastfeeding is literally and figuratively sucking the life out of you, you hate it, and it upsets you, then stop! Formula has kept babies alive for decades. If you're at your wit's end and are about to break down, it's okay to lay baby down safely in the crib and walk away for a moment to catch your breath. Do what works best for you. You have to put your own oxygen mask on before helping others. A mentally well, happy mom is best for a healthy, happy baby."
"Believe it or not, you also don't have to do those staged monthly photos with a sign showing how old your infant is to post on Facebook."
2. "No, it won't be all joy! That is the biggest lie other mothers tell. You are going to feel the highest highs and lowest lows as a mom. It brings out the most intense feelings in you. When things get rough, remember that feelings have an expiration date and you will feel joy again. Hang in there, no matter how hard it is to believe."
"The time goes by quickly. In no time, they'll be borrowing your car."
3. "How truly shitty pregnancy and birth can be. Getting pregnant was the worst thing I've ever done to my body — and I was once a party kid who played contact sports. Pregnancy messed me up worse than either of those. Then I was in labor for three and a half days (which also did complete fuckery to my body). Those post-birth hormones are similarly wild. They're better than any pill high I've ever had. One day my hormones didn't kick in, and in those moments I completely understood how mamas who don't get them struggle with incredible postpartum depression."
4. "You may not want to be a mother. Don't just have kids because that's what everyone else does."
5. "Speaking as a person who survived early childhood trauma and is the mother of a 16-year-old, it's okay not to be perfect or fully healed. In 16 years, I have changed and evolved so much as a person. There have definitely been 'stupid moments' in my life — especially due to my trauma and PTSD. But I don't blame my trauma or PTSD; it's just stuff I still had to learn and grow from. It's okay to let your children know you're not perfect. People make mistakes."
"It's okay, too, if you don't want kiddos."
6. "Sometimes you don't immediately love your kid. When they placed my kiddo on my chest, it was weird. It took a couple of days before I reconciled that this squirming, loud person was the one I carried for months. I love my kiddo more now than I did then — after getting to know them. That's okay. It's not always that instantly perfect love where nothing else matters. Sometimes it takes time."
7. "Two kids are harder than one. Don't have another just to entertain the oldest. I know a few people who did that."
"I don't think anyone emphasizes how much you will lose yourself and truly get exhausted by it."
8. "There are no guarantees that siblings will ever be or remain close. I have four grown kids, none of whom are close. They've all moved away from each other. It disappoints me because I'm so close to all of my sisters, but my kids are so different in personality and temperament. None of them ever really 'clicked' with the others. That's not to say they're at war — they're just all completely indifferent or at peace with each other."
"It saddens me because there's nothing like a sibling who was with you for almost every memory growing up. However, I have a good relationship with all of my kids and keep in touch with them almost daily. There just isn't the closeness there was with my siblings when we were growing up and as adults."
9. "That you are supposed to let a baby 'just cry it out.' No, that is garbage. You answer their cry each and every time. By consistently responding to them when they express their needs, you lay the foundation for their ability to trust in the world. If they don't get their needs met when they express them, they will learn to mistrust and be afraid of the world. Always answer the cry."
10. "That as a woman, you will naturally be more equipped to care for the child than the father. That's bullshit. With the exception of producing breast milk, men are just as capable of attending to a baby's needs. Parenting is a learned skill just like any other."
11. "That you won't have a favorite kid. You will."
12. "That every woman is meant for motherhood."
13. "They don't tell you that disciplining your child is harder than it seems. It is very easy to spoil your kid (especially if you have the means) and even easier to want to spoil the fuck out of them — to buy them everything they want, whether it's because you love them or because they won't stop crying. It's also easy to want to blame another person for your child's mistakes. You might even catch yourself mid-argument, realizing that your child was actually in the wrong."
14. "Remember that you are not 'the Giving Tree' like in Shel Silverstein's book. Do not bend over backward to give and do everything for your kids. It only makes them entitled and you depressed. The job is about slowly returning responsibility to the child so that by age 18, they're independent."
15. "That it gets easier or ever truly ends. It doesn't, and it won't. I have three kids, ages 20, 21, and 24. The teenage years are hard and expensive, especially if they play (travel for) sports. Don't underestimate that commitment, either financially or time-wise. You also don't stop ever being a parent, especially if you're a single parent. My husband died five years ago, and raising them alone blows. My kids are my biggest joy and greatest accomplishments in life, but they're also lifelong commitments."
16. "That thinking 'It's the best thing you'll ever do' is enough of a reason to have a kid. That you can just figure it out. That it's okay to be a mom if you haven't even begun dealing with your childhood trauma. Having a kid means learning to put another human first always. That's not to say you must put them first at the expense of your well-being — I'm not into self-sacrifice, and that can be a form of abuse — but too many people enter motherhood lackadaisically. As someone who has worked with survivors of abuse and neglect for nearly two decades, I'm over it."
"I get it. Society makes you think that way, but we put real human lives at stake when we don't implore people to think about it and ensure they are ready to be a parent. Birth control should be more accessible. Motherhood should be more equitable."
"Yes, it's so normalized to just 'figure it out' when people enter parenthood or struggle. Of course you do a lot of learning as you go along, but you need to be at least somewhat equipped to care for your baby. So many people struggle mentally, emotionally, and financially, but they're told that just getting by is enough. It's not. It doesn't matter if your life has meaning now that you're a parent — what matters is whether or not you can raise that baby in a healthy and loving environment.
"If you're working six jobs and rarely see your child, you're trying your best, and that’s understandable. But honestly, you're not being a good parent to the baby. You're trying your best but not giving the baby the care and attention they deserve. I wish people would think about the life they're bringing into the world; it's just about the kid when it's born."
17. "Traditionally, being 'selfless' has been the highest compliment a mother can receive, and it's a big, fat lie. When the epitome of motherhood and womanhood is losing one's self completely, embracing this model of selflessness only teaches our children — especially girls — to do the same. We are better mothers, leaders, and teachers when we model boundaries, self-care, and self-respect. A great deal of unavoidable sacrifice is involved in being an attentive mom (especially in the infancy and toddler phases), but it shouldn't define a mother beyond that. It reminds me of the Jungian quote, 'The greatest burden a child must bear is the unlived life of the parents.'"
18. "That all of your friends 'peace out' on you. I haven't been isolated, and my friendships haven't changed. It just takes a bit more work, like any life event."
19. "That you're going to be happy all the time. Even when your baby is planned or wanted, you're not! In fact, you may even feel bummed or frequently miss your old life. That's normal."
"Older relatives telling you that you're a bad mom for not being 100% sparkles and shitting rainbows have forgotten what it felt like."
20. "This may sound harsh, but don't expect to have a 'village.' Many people I know with young children struggle because they don't have a support network or childcare from grandparents. The thing is, a lot of grandparents are in their forties to fifties and still work full time. They struggle to fit everything in too. I had no support when my girls were small, so I want to be there for my kids and grandkids. However, I still have to work full time and can't always have them on my days off."
"Most weeks, I feel that I fail as a parent and now as a grandparent."
21. "That you'll eventually get your body back. HA! Beyond the fact that it's hard to lose weight, you sometimes just don't have the time or energy to diet and exercise — especially after a C-section. Sometimes I only want to watch TV in my pajamas and binge on any high-calorie snack. If I had a dollar for every time someone said I'd lose weight by breastfeeding, I'd be fucking rich. Bodies change after pregnancy."
22. "I know this isn't for everyone, but when fathers say they'll be responsible and involved, no matter what, they often aren't. Just ask yourself how you would raise a child by yourself if it came to that."
23. "Nothing puts a target on your back for abuse like having a child. I can't stress this enough."
24. "That it's all joy, happiness, sunshine, and the best thing ever. I saw a friend on Facebook asking others' opinions on having kids, since she wasn't sure. So many people were like, 'It's the best feeling ever, and there's so much joy!' No one told her that it would also likely strain her marriage because of the extreme changes the first year after having a baby; that she would feel exhausted; that as the child grew, they would still demand a lot of her time and attention; that she would lose the freedom to do whatever, whenever; that she'd have to make sure she found a sitter to have dates. No one told her the reality. They only tried to sell her on the dream, and I know damn well they all had the downside experiences, too."
"I always wanted to be a mother. I love my son and have no regrets. I never doubted wanting him. While there is happiness and joy, those are not the only feelings you'll have. Society tries to deceive women into motherhood by making it seem only rewarding and amazing. It can be — but it can also be soul-sucking and isolating, and no one admits that enough."
25. "That you have to ask your partner if they can watch the baby while you run to the bathroom. You tell them to watch the baby while you run to the bathroom. I've seen mothers' eyes go wide with realization at this simple statement."
26. "Everyone will judge you, but very rarely will people compliment or encourage you. Having babies ruins your body and takes its toll on your self-esteem. Kids aren't moldable the way you think; they all come with their own disposition and temperament. You can do everything 'right' and still have a hard kid."
"Ages 0–5 are the easy years — just wait until you have teachers and friends' parents calling. It's mostly not fun; even fun days like holidays and vacations are a lot of work. Everyone has mom guilt."
27. "Don't look at childbirth in terms of natural vs. medicine-led. Think of it in terms of what leaves you in the best shape — physically and mentally — to care for your baby 24/7. For example, you might prefer an epidural as your first choice, then a C-section, and a natural (drug-free) birth last."
28. "That unless you breastfeed full time before weaning them onto organic food, you're doing a bad job. I could only breastfeed my child for four weeks due to being anemic and ill after his birth. My body literally couldn't produce enough milk, so I started to bottle-feed him. It was the best thing I could have done; it allowed my husband to take over some night feeds and let me rest. We fed him a healthy and balanced diet when we weaned him at 7 months. I still remember feeling mom-shamed by social media posts from parents who made their children's food and blended it themselves. We're all trying our best to survive parenthood while supporting and encouraging our little ones to become happy, loving little humans."
29. "Don't have children unless you are potentially ready to do it alone. Shit happens. The family leaves; people are abusive. Ultimately, you need to be aware that you may not be just a single parent but a solo parent. Don't become a parent unless you understand that there is a chance life may make you a solo parent. No matter how much you prepare, it can happen. It has made me regret motherhood. Being a solo parent — without help from babysitters, aunties, uncles, grandmas, friends, and family — is hard. It is exhausting."
"Pro tip: Don't become a solo parent. It really does take a village; otherwise, being a mom destroys you as you know yourself. Everyone says I'm doing a good job, but no one sees me cry for hours daily. No one sees the struggle. They just see a mom with a kid and think, How cute or How strong of her. They don't get it.
"People say you can ask them for help. When I do, I get ignored. I get told to go to a doctor or to pray — to pray my problems away. People are awful and judgmental. I have learned that people hide behind their god to judge me. They have a set of rules to feel greater than me. When they see me struggle, they think it is okay to judge me and praise God. They don't realize God wouldn't judge me; he would love me regardless of my circumstances.
"People bless me in prayer instead of giving me a hug when I am crying from complete and total emotional burnout."
30. "They don't tell you that when you birth your child, it won't necessarily be a magical and happy moment the way the movies make it out to be. I was miserable. Yes, I felt sudden relief from all the pressure and pain, but I was also horribly shocked about what happened to me. I didn't feel happy; I felt traumatized and terrified. I was only happy that my baby was okay; otherwise, I felt beyond messed up and dazed."
31. "That pregnancy will be easy and safe if you're young and healthy. I was only 27 and a healthy, active person, but pregnancy destroyed my body. I now have many expensive medical and dental issues that I never had before pregnancy. I've already lost six teeth and may need partial dentures. I have extreme tension headaches, vertigo, and horrible acne and hair like I've never had before. People really don't stress enough how even one pregnancy can completely break down a healthy body."
32. "That cooking for your kids gets easier. It doesn't. I've been doing it for 16 years, with no end in sight. And it's not just cooking — you'll be responsible for figuring out what to make and planning two to three meals per day (including grocery shopping) while juggling different likes and dislikes for many years to come. Yes, I sometimes give my kids frozen meals, but I try to limit them because they're not very healthy. Sometimes I'll order out, but that's expensive as hell."
"I run my business from home and my husband works in tech, so he gets home after supper every night. It's pretty much solely on me, though it was like that when I worked from an office, too. I hate it. I hate it with the passion of a thousand suns. I hate constantly having to figure out what to make. I hate making sure I've got all the groceries I need. I hate the time it takes to cook and prepare. My oldest daughter also has sensory issues, so there's lots of food she won't touch.
"With the occasional exception, I find it to be pure fucking drudgery. I love my daughters, and I'm truly not looking forward to the day they move out — I love hanging out and spending time with them; they're awesome — but feeding them on a daily basis is the one thing I know I won't miss."
33. "I don't like the phrase, 'Cherish every moment.' You'll hear it a lot from well-meaning older women when you're pregnant. I get what they're trying to say, but I had a very specific moment with my first baby when he was around 5 months old — and I was feeling awful as a parent because I felt that I wasn't present enough, like I wasn't 'cherishing every moment.' In hindsight, I realized it was not possible and that it put a weird, unnecessary pressure on me."
34. "That motherhood is your identity. Don't forget who you were before you had a baby. That person still deserves her dreams, ambitions, and experiences."
Note: Some responses have been edited for length and/or clarity.
Did any of these resonate with you or better inform your perspective of motherhood? Do you have anything you'd like to add? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments below!
The National Alliance on Mental Illness helpline is 1-888-950-6264 (NAMI) and provides information and referral services; GoodTherapy.org is an association of mental health professionals from more than 25 countries who support efforts to reduce harm in therapy.