If you're familiar with tattoos, you probably know you're supposed to hydrate and eat before your session. But sometimes, all the precaution in the world doesn't help — especially if it's your first tattoo. With that in mind, u/ArthurThyKing asked tattoo artists, "Who was your worst 'tattoo virgin?'" In response, many veteran tattooists shared their iconic, hilarious, and cringeworthy tales. Here are 22 of the best ones below:
1. "I had a customer who wanted a little watermelon slice on his thigh. Cool, it'd take five to 10 minutes — nice and easy for a first tattoo. Nope. On the third line, I hear a weird, little low-pitched moan. I looked up, and his head flipped back as the rest of him followed. When he woke up on the floor to three guys trying to pull him back up, he said something along the lines of, 'WTF? Why are you touching me? That's gay.'"
2. "I had a client who got a Jesus fish with Greek letters on his chest. I put the stencil on, and the guy looks down and says, 'Looks good.' He sits like a CHAMP through his entire first tattoo. I finish up after about 45 minutes, and he checks it out in the mirror. Immediately, he goes pale, starts to sweat, and sits down. The dude looks at me, all shook, and says, 'It's BACKWARDS!' I look at his tattoo and him on the floor, look at the mirror, and tell the guy, 'I'm going to take a photo of it for you to see because you don't know how mirrors work.'"
"A few minutes go by as I'm handing the dude paper towels. He then stands up all quick and tries to play it off like he was just messing with me — even though, for a minute there, there was a corpse on my studio floor."
3. "I had a 19-year-old lad in the studio. He wanted 'Laura' in large letters on his forearm. I took my time to quiz him, and it turns out Laura was his sweetheart. I also spent a LONG time explaining that tattoos are for life, and girlfriends come and go. He remained adamant and explained that if I didn't do it, he had a friend with a 'tattoo gun' who would. So I did it, wrapped it up, and explained aftercare. As he left I checked the time, and I had 22 minutes until my next client. My next client turned up on time, followed less than a minute later by Mr. Lover Boy. Apparently, he'd met Laura, who instantly dumped him for being so fucking stupid."
"It would appear she wasn't as in love with him as he assumed. Twenty-two minutes from tattoo to requesting a cover-up."
4. "We had a couple come in on the day we offered $100 two-by-two-inch tattoos. They both were getting these small triceratops' outline tattoos behind their ears. It was nothing too crazy or detailed, so it'd take maybe 15 minutes each in the chair. The guy is losing his mind. He's hyperventilating, laughing, jumping up and down, and yelling questions at all of us — visually very nervous. He then tells one of our apprentices that this is his first tattoo and keeps asking them how badly it hurts. Turns out, it was this couple's first date. He had told her he was impulsive, and she tried to call his bluff by suggesting they get matching tattoos."
5. "It was this girl's first tattoo and my first paying customer after my apprenticeship. She wanted a star outline on the side of her heel below the ankle. Since she was a bit nervous, I allowed two of her friends to come into the room with us. I started the tattoo, and she immediately jerked away super hard. I warned her not to do that and told her to try to relax. We started again, and she jerked her foot. The two lines I'd done looked like SHIT, and I was already pissed and freaking out inside. I got her two friends to help hold down her foot, but she continued to jerk around and, at one point, kicked me right in the jaw. Needless to say, her tattoo looked like shit, and I was crestfallen."
"I called my mentor after work, crying that I ruined my first tattoo on a client and that she kicked me in the face. He said, 'Wait, what? Nah, fuck that, it's not your fault. I'll see you tomorrow at work.'
I've been tattooing for 13 years now and still love every minute! I've got crazier stories under my belt since that kick in the face."
6. "At the expense of my very good client, I generally use this story to help newbs ease into my chair more comfortably. So, it was his first tattoo. I was getting my stencil prepped, and he was so nervous that he was basically white. I kept asking if he was good. Yeah, he tells me, he's okay. I placed the stencil on him and asked him to take a look. Once he looked at his arm, he immediately passed out. He was literally sliding out of the chair. We got him back up, and he came to."
"He got over it, eventually, and has his sleeve. 👌"
7. "Danny was a 21-year-old oil field worker. He wanted an entire sleeve tattoo but couldn't decide what he wanted. He'd come in for a consult, have the artist draw what he wanted, and then change his mind. He also couldn't remember the names of the animals he wanted. He first asked for a lion 'pack' roaring on a mountain under the moon. 'Like the end of Lion King?' 'Yes.' The next time he came in, he said the animal was wrong. When he showed a picture, it was a wolf pack. The artist drew that, but Danny then came back wanting an 'eagle in flight.' The artist drew that, but Danny, in fact, wanted an owl. The artist was basically done with Danny, but he drew an amazing owl in flight. Danny loved it. A date was selected, but Danny never showed. Half an hour past his appointment, the artist called Danny, who said, 'Sorry, I'm out of the country today. I'm in North Dakota.' The artist is based in Arizona."
8. "The apprentice at my shop, who had only been tattooing for a little under a year, was tattooing this girl's wrist. It was her first tattoo, the word 'undefeated.' The tattooing goes smoothly, and she likes it. She walks to the lobby to show her dad, and he likes it. She then comes back to get bandaged up and, as the apprentice is explaining aftercare, blacks out. She falls back and hits her head on a giant painting hanging on the wall, causing it to fall — the glass breaks. The apprentice runs over, picks her up, and checks the back of her head, only to realize a giant piece of glass had punctured her shoulder. An EMT comes and tells her she needs stitches. She wasn't the worst client, but it was an unfortunate experience for both. Not only was it his first time having someone pass out, but it was also her first time being 'defeated.'"
"The EMT took her to the ER, where she got six stitches. The next week, the girl brought the apprentice a giant tub of cookies."
9. "A lady in her 30s wanted a half-sleeve of Hello Kitty riding a dragon. When I began tattooing, she heavily praised my work and style. But during our lunch break, my workmate told me they'd had a smoke with her outside, and she was upset. She complained it wasn't hurting, her skin wasn't red (irritated), and she didn't want to pay if it wasn't done properly. So when we resumed, I was overly reassuring. I told her I was using certain inks she'd insisted were 'too light' because they'd heal properly. Eventually, I stopped and told her I felt uncomfortable that I wouldn't meet her expectations. That night, she emailed me two paragraphs on what a shit job I did. When I replied that the tattoo would heal as planned, she said I should listen to my client's wishes. I didn't reply again. Two weeks later, she emailed me that she loved her tattoo; it healed perfectly, the pink was the right shade, and she wanted to finish it."
10. "I was once working on a girl's back hip, and she kept moaning and squirming. I told her boyfriend, a regular client of mine, to help keep her still. At one point, I almost ended the session when she reached back and tried to grab the machine out of my hand — mid-line, machine running. She said it was a knee-jerk reaction to her pain, like fight or flight. When I was finished, she was still sniffling as she looked in the mirror. She then said, between sniffles, 'Looks good. I'm going to come see you when I'm ready for another one.' I politely responded, 'Please don't.'"
11. "In '99–00, I'd been tattooing for a year. A lady in her 40s came in for her first tattoo, a butterfly on her shoulder. She was pretty haggard and had her 16-year-old son with her. About 20 minutes into what should be a 45-minute tattoo, she said she needed a break. I was pretty green, so I stepped out for a smoke. When I came back, she was standing up, bent 90 degrees forward at the waist, with her face on my workstation. She was standing in a puddle of her urine, passed out, and leaning forward with enough weight on her face to keep her from falling. Fortunately, she wore a skirt, so her clothes weren't soaked. Once she came to, she went to the bathroom to clean up. In those 20 minutes, I mopped my floor. When she came out, she said, 'Don't worry, I cleaned the bathroom.' What would require cleaning? Anyway, she wanted to finish the tattoo, so I started again. Five minutes in, I noticed something on the outside of her knee — a little chunk of shit."
12. "My friend — a fellow artist at the shop I worked at — had a girl come in, no ink. She wanted to get (no joke) 'Daddy's Girl' as a tramp stamp. Moments into the tattoo, she was in tears, like hysterical shit. Altogether, she suffered through probably 25 minutes before walking out with 'Girl' right above her waistline."
"Ten out of 10, hilarious."
13. "I'm a receptionist at a pretty popular tattoo shop in my town. I've seen quite a few people who had no business getting tattooed, but by far, my favorite was this guy who wanted to get some script tattooed behind his ear. He had come in before to get priced out but refused to make an appointment and drop a deposit. A few days later, he came back as a walk-in, so we squeezed him in. He was a mess getting done — shaking, sweating, and basically crying in the chair. The tattoo itself took maybe 15 minutes. Turns out, the reason this dude refused to put a deposit down was that he planned to leave without paying. As soon as the artist put Saniderm on his tattoo, he jumped out of the chair and bolted for the front door. He then promptly passed out as he ran through the lobby — even broke his nose as he hit the ground — and we called the cops."
14. "My tattoo artist had a woman come in with her boyfriend to get her first tattoo. She screamed after the needle first came down and told her boyfriend that she was going to have to bite him to cope with the pain. She chomped on his arm the whole time while moaning and screaming."
"My artist told me she thinks it was some weird kink thing that she did not consent to participate in."
15. "A young lady wanted a semicolon tattoo on her wrist, about one-by-two inches, black ink. I had the stencil ready to go before she even came in. Expecting a 15-minute job, I gave her a cheap quote. She turns up, very nervous, for her appointment, so I do my 'it's about as painful as a cat scratch, nothing to panic about' speech. She then informs me that she's already taken a strong painkiller and would like the specialist numbing spray. Okay, that's an extra £30. She agrees. The spray goes on, the stencil goes on — we're ready. I don't even make contact with her skin before she starts making a very loud, high-pitched whine. I try to calm her down and tell her to take a few minutes, but 99% of the time, the anxiety of getting a tattoo is usually worse than getting one. After an hour, I told her I was expecting another client, and that she could reschedule if she wanted. She just bolts out the door — didn't even pay for the numbing spray."
16. "A friend who had never had a tattoo wanted one on her ankle and was adamant about that. I told her several times that the ankle is a very not-fun location and asked her if she'd prefer the shoulder instead. She insisted on the ankle. Okay, then. The moment the needle touched her, she hollered. I asked, 'You sure you want to keep going?' She said yes. That was the loudest appointment I ever had."
"To her credit, she made it through."
17. "When I was a tattoo apprentice, this girl wanted a quarter-sized outline on her ankle. She laid down on the bed, and as soon as my machine started, she screamed — not a little yelp of surprise or gasp, but a full-on scream. I immediately stopped the machine and asked if she was okay. 'Yeah, I'm fine, it's just a scary noise!' Okay, I understood; it's loud and intense. As soon as I turned it on again, she screamed. My nerves were then shot, and my heart was pounding, so I told her she shouldn't get tattooed today. 'No, it's fine, just tattoo me through it!' Alright. I turned on the machine and went to make one line, and she immediately squirmed across the table and yanked her foot away. This ensued for another 20 minutes. After half-standing to hold down her foot, I made a little line — the size of a sewing stitch — and she burst into tears. That's when I entirely gave up."
18. "When I was apprenticing in a college town, this girl came in with her boyfriend for a traditional butterfly above her elbow. I laid her down on her stomach with her arm bent at her side. Within 10 minutes, she got a string of texts from her friends, telling her they were essentially ousting her from their group and not to contact them again. Obviously, she got upset and — as she's relating all this to her boyfriend — started crying before full-on sobbing. I asked if she wanted to stop, but she insisted on continuing, and I felt too awkward to counter. She sobbed for another hour while I just kept plugging away. She cried so much that her tears had gathered where her arm was pressed against the table and started to spill into my lap. Now, I'm uncomfortable and damp. If that wasn't bad enough, within 30 minutes of finishing, she began whimpering and moaning loudly. She then proceeded to tell her boyfriend, 'This is more intense than anal.' I wanted to die."
"I was still super new, so it took me way longer than it should have — maybe two hours. As soon as I finished and checked her out, my coworkers (who had all been waiting on me to close) were like, 'What the actual fuck was going on, and why did you keep going?' In the moment, all I could think was to finish the tattoo ASAP.
To her credit, she came back (a year later!) and told me she had been too embarrassed to come back but loved the butterfly and wanted another tattoo from me. Her second session was pleasant and without incident."
19. "This girl comes in to get her ex-boyfriend's name tattooed as a tramp stamp. She brings her friends and proceeds to scream while doing the outline; then she leaves with a half outline of her ex's name."
20. "When we still had flash all over the walls, this 18-year-old kid and his dad came in. The kid was the one getting tattooed and settled on this hideous, Insane Clown Posse-esque creepy clown. The moment the needle touched his skin, it was like tattooing a bucking bronco. The kid didn't have the best hygiene, so when he started sweating, it stunk up the whole shop. Not to mention, the kid was moaning like he was getting fucked. It was terrible. The tattoo was supposed to be full color, but two minutes in, I knew he'd never make it. I finished the outline and told him we'd do the color another day, and he agreed. I wrapped him up, half-expecting him never to come back, but surprisingly, he did and sat so much better that time. We took a break about halfway through, and he said he was going to grab a soda. He never came back."
21. "This guy had a few small tats on his arms (nothing crazy) and wanted a large tribal chest piece, collarbone to collarbone. He was one of those 'I watch UFC and wear Tapout, don't fuck with me' types. Anyway, we told him that we recommended a couple of sessions because it would hurt — this was A LOT of outlining and shading — but he insisted he could sit. He ended up fainting toward the end of his outline."
"I worked there for roughly a year after, and he never came back to get it finished."
22. "I had a 16-year-old girl come in. She wanted a tattoo of a rose on the side of her neck. Now, I'm never going to entertain a neck tattoo for a teenager, but she didn't even bother to bring a parent with her to sign, so it went from a certain no to an absolute never in a million years. She got pretty upset and made a scene, and I told her to leave. After a lot of arguing, she made some idle threats and left. The following week, a furious, middle-aged woman comes barging into the shop, screaming that she's going to have us shut down and sent to jail. Apparently, her daughter had gotten a neck tattoo without her knowledge. I then recognized the girl before peaking in our front windows. It all clicked. She'd found some sketchy artist in a kitchen to tattoo the rose on her neck that I said no to. I told the mother to call her daughter in, and her daughter pointed to me and told her I did it."
"The tattoo was terribly done, so the mom had several reasons to be so livid. She started getting upset and yelling again, so I let her yell until she had calmed down enough to listen. Then, I explained to her how, the week before, I had told her daughter outright that I wouldn't give her a neck tattoo. Her daughter screamed that I was a liar, and Mom started up with another round of yelling, this time about how I was calling her daughter a liar.
It was around this time that I decided to point to our CCTV camera in the front area. I told her if she would like to, she could review the footage of me denying her daughter, the temper tantrum, and then her daughter leaving the shop. Her daughter started looking nervous around this time, but she didn't say anything. Meanwhile, I find the footage from the day, and Mom watches the entire interaction I described go down.
Then, with the coldest look of anger, betrayal, and disappointment, she turns to her daughter. She takes her outside of the shop quietly and then screams at her for everything that has just happened and how humiliating it all has been. After a bit, the daughter comes in and gives me a very sarcastic apology, and then leaves. Aside from one or two exceptions, I haven't tattooed any minors for the last 13 years now."