1.
For someone with such an intense need to be liked you'd think I would have figured out how to be less of an asshole.
2.
My anxiety over misreading that handshake-or-hug moment takes up way too much space in my brain.
3.
Hey Pixar, maybe put some louder music in those sad moments so a bitch can sniffle undetected. #InsideOut
4.
I'm the police dog of finding stuff to complain about.
5.
6.
Oh God. I just realized I'm stuck with me my whole life.
7.
My daily objective is less about goal achievement and more about regret management. #AimLow
8.
Does anyone else think "don't be a weirdo, don't be a weirdo" over and over when entering social gatherings? Cause I don't.
9.
Working on my fantasy of what I SHOULD have said to that FedEx girl who gave me attitude.
10.
Never a diva. But occasionally a real dick.
11.
Yes of course I got your text - I'm just ignoring it. Don't make it weird.
12.
I ❤️ Gluten
13.
The little girl with the wine stained teeth in this Game of Thrones episode is sooo creep-okay that's a mirror.
14.
Texts: Cool! What does it say? Emails: Oh God... what do they want? Phone call: I basically assume someone has died.
15.
You're probably right.* -- *You're wrong, I just don't want to seem like a dick about it.
16.
Every year the same question: what the hell are you supposed to buy men for Christmas? Besides socks or a sex doll?
17.
It's cute how I used to think this "barely-holding-it-together" feeling was temporary.
18.
As an American in Germany I can tell you that putting "Das" in front of ANYTHING is hilarious. Every. Time.
19.
That thing where you haven't shaved your legs in a bit so you decide to wait and get a wax but then you don't do that either.
20.
If the frosting has cream cheese it counts as breakfast, right?
21.
Being told "I know you can do this" weirdly makes me not want to try… "You CAN'T do this" has same effect. Ok, yeah, I might just be lazy.
22.
Sometimes I still write down what I'm going to say before I make a phone call. #ThingsIThoughtIdOutgrow
23.
Ultimate euphoria: waking up and realizing you DIDN'T send that text.
24.
I get the same feeling at the dentist that I get when a cop car is behind me; I haven't done anything wrong, but I feel incredibly guilty.
25.
Shout out to the old ladies who go to pilates so I'm only the SECOND worst in class-aaaand she's doing better than me.
26.
Sometimes I think "I need to think before I speak" and then other times I think "I shouldn't leave the house or interact with people ever."
27.
I don't think I can call myself an adult until I figure out how to use bleach in the laundry.
28.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities"
29.
#Maturity http://t.co/jdc9U7LS2u
30.
"You're the only person in the world I don't hate right now" is as close as I get to saying "I love you"
31.
Sometimes the best part of my day is imagining what I'm gonna eat when I get off work.
32.
If I die unexpectedly can everyone just do the right thing and pretend I was a way better person than I am?
33.
Sometimes when I say I'm busy it's more that I'm trying to make sense of the chaos and disarray of my day to day life. Also, Bones is on.
34.
So, there's NO existing service that rents puppies to people with hangovers? America, you have failed me.
35.
Is there a filter on Instagram that fixes Bitchy Resting Face? Asking for a friend.
36.
"Honestly, she brought this on herself" - My gravestone, probably.
37.
It's cool if I wear my bathrobe to work right? (I have shoes on; I'm a professional)
38.
Who "hates" to say I told you so? That's my favorite thing I get to say ever.
39.
Being well adjusted is probably fucking overrated.
40.
If you ever want to tell me a secret and you make me swear "on puppies" that shit is going to my grave.
41.
Right now I am watching Hulu on my laptop even though I have the same show on my DVR... but my remote is over there.
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