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11 Of The Best Student Loan-Blowing Purchases

Most students today find financial support from the hard working British tax-payer in the form of government funded student loans, but what if a student were to save every penny of their student income for one big splash? The NUS, helpfully sets out some solid guidelines for a student’s annual budget in its “costs of study and living” page, but basically, given a maximum income in grant and loans, minus the average rent, a by-semesterly delivery of 10kg of Basmati rice at £14.36 and a whole lot of stinging, housemate “borrowing” and extremely one-sided car-pooling when it comes to unimportant things like insurance, household goods and travel, we’re left with a tidy cheque for £3872.92. Below are a few tips on where to best invest that hard earned cash...

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10. Two Limited Edition PancakeBot Hero 3D Pancake Printers


Because nothing grates on the daily struggle of a student's life more than the inability to produce simultaneously perfectly designed pancakes. One thing's for certain: Surprising your one night stand conquest with a batch of these in the morning is sure to leave a lasting impression. #TwoNightStand

9. One bottom of the range Mac Pro and limited peripherals


Coming in minorly under budget here is the lowest configuration of Apple's desktop computer, which for the same price, multiple competing manufacturers could supply a similar system twice over with a full set of peripherals. Whilst you're saving for the screen and hoping you don't need AppleCare, why not use its exquisite design as a vase for some flowers or as a paperweight for all of your now handwritten essays. If anything, just the sploosh of unwrapping it is worth the money. #TrollingFanboys

8. “The Monopoly set for true players”


If you want to show the ladies you are indeed a 'true player', the best way by far would be with this hand-bound calfskin Monopoly board embossed in gold. Spend your money wisely by purchasing vast supplies of high quality fake money. This edition comes with pewter pieces (although sterling silver or silver-gilt pieces are available for those with cheaper rents) two ball-cornered dice and "a pair of nearly indestructible leather dice cups". Stop playing with your regular old set and go get this one right now. #HotelOnMayfair

7. Rodrigo Borgia’s “legendary dragon killer sword”


This genuine sword and prop from the poorly received 2006 film adaptation of Christopher Paolini's beloved Inheritance Cycle, 'Eragon' will make the whole year worthwhile. "The weapon features a blood-red blade, intentionally tarnished with black to make it look aged and battle worn." Intended mainly for close-up work, "the sword had to be kept in excellent condition, while stunt versions would have taken its place when it was shown in any high action moments", so you've no need to worry about it ever having come into contact with an actual dragon. #Scabbard

6. Limited edition Lalique Bentley Fragrance from Harrods


Because being poor for an entire year should be rewarded with smelling rich for at least some of the next one. Coming in a dark wooden box with elegant leather interior, this well thought out investment stings the nostrils with "notes of patchouli and papyrus [that] give a charismatic heart with a luxurious base of dry amber and musk." They've done studies you know. 60% of the time, it works. Everytime. #SexPanther

5. Dual Wielding Cash Cannons


Because come the end, you’ll want to make up all those friends you probably lost over the course of the year. And what better way to do that than by dual wielding yourself some cash cannons up in the club. Whilst the purchase only comes in at around £155, you’ll want the rest in the smallest denominations possible. People will love you more than their own parents for just one night and that, is just the kind of validating friendship and feeling that money can’t buy. #OhWait

4. A night out with budget Gabby Logan and Scottish sweetheart Hazel Irvine


The Daily Record published figures listing celebrity hire costs in 2013 and your luck is most certaonly in - for you could spend the night engaging in public debate and possible consensual post debate drinks with none other than honorary president of the Dumbarton F.C. Supporters' Association and BBC 2014 Commonwealth Games coverage anchor, Hazel Irvine. #ContainYourself

3. Chico-Time


But if Hazel isn't your go-to primary celeb-for-hire like the rest of the sane student population, The Telegraph has reported that 2005 X-Factor quarter finalist Chico Slimani is probably available to pocket that cheque burning a hole in your pocket. Ironically, 2005's winner Shayne Ward might be available cheaper, but we couldn't corroborate those claims at the time of writing. #WhatTimeIsIt?

2. The look on your flatmates faces/A giant incredibly detailed T-Rex costume


Think about it. How often have you had to put a costume together at the last minute? Invest in this and not only will you have one for any occasion, (even Nan's funeral, because she loved Jurassic Park didn't she?) but you'll have April Fool's day sorted for eternity. Why not morph your slender body into this prehistoric pet and give your flatmates the time/fright of their lives over and over again. They'll find it hilarious each and every time. Promise. #Rawrrrr

1. Tell Zayn you still care by donating to a charity he truly believes in


When all is said and done, after living an entire year on the meagre diet of rice and tears, you probably think you can (but really can't) sympathise with those The British Asian Trust, does their best to help. Spend the money on a years worth of good karma, the knowledge that your abominable year has been worthwhile and the fleeting hope that supporting this charity that Zayn supports will get him back in the bad, or at the very least, a retweet. #ComeBackZayn

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