1. Oh, wow, Old Trafford's being evacuated because of a bomb scare!
2. And just a few days after we did that training exercise there, with the fake bombs.
3. What a weird coincidence.
4. I mean, at least they'll be well trained!
5. Won't they. They'll be well trained. Trained about bombs.
6. Because of that training exercise we did.
7. A few days ago.
8. With the fake bombs
9. that we left
14. Oh no.
15. Oooohhhhhhhh nooooooooooooooooooooo.
16. My skin feels hot and tight.
17. It wasn't me though who left it there, was it?
18. Maybe it was Jeff. Please please please let it be Jeff.
19. Do I remember telling Jeff "don't forget, you're on fake bomb collecting duty today?" Did I do that? Maybe I did that?
20. It was Jeff, wasn't it?
21. Wasn't it?
22. Wasn't it?
23. Wasn't it.
24. No it wasn't.
25. It was not Jeff.
26. It was me.
27. Maybe I can blame it on Jeff though?
28. If something really awful happened that would put all this into perspective.
29. Like, if there was a… space bat?
30. If a giant space bat invaded Manchester then everybody would see how evacuating a football stadium on the last day of the season isn't really that big a deal, in the scheme of things. They'd probably look back on the bomb thing and laugh about it! As they cowered beneath the vast leathery wings.
31. Space bats aren't real :-(
32. I could tell everybody there's a space bat though. If I cause enough mass panic it might distract from the mass panic I caused.
34. Maybe if everybody else in the world just… died suddenly?
35. I must never tell anybody I had this thought. I must erase it from my memory.
36. OK, deep breath. Realistically I can't be fired for one mistake, can I?
37. I mean I'm fairly sure there's laws about that, because of the EU and stuff.
38. Lovely EU.
39. I mean technically I was never given explicit "remember to take the bombs away" training.
40. This is really a failure of management.
41. I'm so fucked.
42. Or maybe no one will notice. Maybe I'll just go into work tomorrow and everyone will be like, "Good morning! How was your weekend?"
43. Maybe this will be an amusing anecdote I will tell when I am a rich and successful fake bomb training company CEO. I'll tell it at all the big fake bomb training conferences and everybody will laugh with admiration.
44. God, I should have saved more money.
45. What if I faked my own death?
46. Could I come back to work as my long-lost identical twin? Have I ever mentioned having a long-lost identical twin before?
47. Why did I never mention having a long-lost identical twin? Why didn't I plan for this?
48. Why didn't I have a fake passport and ten grand in used notes stashed in a locker near the airport? Why didn't I do even that simple thing?
49. Why didn't I remember to pick up the fake bomb?
50. Ha ha where has my stomach gone, why can't I feel my stomach?
51. Wait, can you ever feel your stomach?
52. Why can you only feel your stomach when it's not there any more?
53. My world has collapsed.
54. It's OK, I can do a bit of travelling.
55. Finally see Malta.
56. Oh wow look how many people there are pouring out of the stadium.
57. Why is that child crying?
58. That child is crying because of me.
59. OK you know what, I just need to face up to my mistake.
60. I need to be brave.
61. I need to do what's right.
62. I'll walk into work on Monday morning with my head held high, and do the honourable thing.
63. ...I'll blame Jeff.