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What People Say On Tinder Vs What They Really Mean

Are you a "gin enthusiast" or "an explorer at heart"?

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"Book lover" = I've read all of Dan Brown's work

"Music fanatic" = I will never shut up about what "proper music" is

"Film aficionado" = I'll be really snobby about any films you actually like

"Food devotee" = I watch Gordon Ramsay shows

"Travel enthusiast" = I went on a plane once

"Fitness freak" = I fill the dark, gaping void in my existence with fruitless sweating 

"Coffee lover" = I'm a nightmare in the morning

"Beer fan" = I'm a nightmare in the evening

"Wine connoisseur" = I'm a nightmare in restaurants

"Gin enthusiast" = I'm a nightmare at closing time

"Whisky fanatic" = I'm a nightmare the NEXT morning too

"Tea drinker" = I'm not a nightmare. I'm just very dull.

"Ambitious" = I'm a psychopath

"Successful" = I'm a rich psychopath

"Driven" = I'm a rich psychopath who wants to be richer

"Entrepreneur" = I'm a psychopath who will constantly blame you for the fact that I'm not rich yet

"Renowned" = I'm a rich, narcissistic psychopath

"Award-winning" = they give awards for being a twat now, apparently

"Opinionated" = I spend my time leaving angry comments on news websites

"Forthright" = I have no manners

"I don't suffer fools gladly" = I think everybody is stupider than me

"I speak my mind" = I say literally anything that pops into my brain

"Maybe I'm a bit too honest" = Maybe I just really, really like insulting people

"Happy-go-lucky" = I usually try to get other people to pay for my drinks

"Bubbly" = I'm probably drunk quite a lot of the time

"Vivacious" = I'm probably drunk most of the time

"Fun-loving" = I'm drunk all of the time

"Party animal" = I am literally being thrown out of a club as I write this

"Free-spirited" = I HAVE TAKEN ALL OF THE DRUGS AJSAKDKAJHDKJ;;A''MSA

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"I love a bit of banter" = I am extremely annoying

"My banter is great" = I am jaw-droppingly annoying

"You'll need to be able to keep up with my banter" = Nobody has ever loved me

"I'm a bit of a Bantersaurus Rex" = I am a terrible person

"I'm basically Bantonio Banderas" = I am one of the worst people in history

"I'm the Archbishop of Banterbury" = I am literally Hitler

"Looking for my Prince Charming" = I have unrealistic expectations

"Looking for my princess" = I have unrealistic expectations and centuries of patriarchy backing them up

"Looking for Mr Right" = Let's be honest, you are probably Mr. Wrong

"Looking for that special someone" = Looking for literally anyone. Please. Help.

"Looking for someone to complete me" = I self-identify as a jigsaw puzzle

"I enjoy evenings in as well as evenings out" = I like stuff

"I like long walks and lazy afternoons on the sofa" = I like stuff

"I'm equally at home in a fancy restaurant or the local cafe" = I like stuff

"I have eclectic tastes" = I like stuff

"I'm always looking for a new hobby" = I like stuff

"I'm up for a good time" = I like stuff

"I'm spontaneous" = I don't really think things through

"I'm adventurous" = I'll get bored with you after three months

"I'm an adrenaline junkie" = I did a bungee jump for charity this one time

"I'm pretty worldly" = I 've been to France

"I'm an explorer at heart" = I've been to France twice and won't shut up about it

"I think of myself as a citizen of the world" = I order in Italian at pizza restaurants

"I'm a bit cheeky" = I will grab your arse at inappropriate times

"I'm very cheeky" = I will grab other people's arses at inappropriate times

"I'm a bit crazy" = I will show you my arse at inappropriate times

"I'm a bit naughty" = I will show a really large number of people my arse at inappropriate times

"I'm a very bad person" = My arse has its own YouTube channel

"Good sense of humour" = I sometimes laugh at things! I enjoy the human laughter feeling

"Great sense of humour" = I got Chandler in a "Which Friends Character Are You?" BuzzFeed quiz

"Quirky sense of humour" = Hope you enjoy Monty Python quotes

"Zany sense of humour" = I will film myself farting in your face and upload it to YouTube

"Twisted sense of humour" = Hope you enjoy rape jokes

"I'm a good listener" = I've practiced nodding while thinking about football

"I really connect with people" = I've practiced nodding and hugging while thinking about what to have for dinner

"I'm very empathetic" = I've practiced nodding and hugging and looking a bit sad while thinking about re-doing the patio

"I'm a shoulder to cry on" = I've practiced nodding and hugging and looking a bit sad and making supportive noises while thinking about what you would look like without your clothes on

"I'm intelligent" = Our relationship will be defined by my ability to do the Times crossword faster than you

"I'm well-read" = I will constantly drop references to obscure books into our conversation even though I only read the Wikipedia summary

"I'm well-educated" = Let me tell you my hilarious stories about what we got up to at Oxford

"I consider myself a rationalist" = I will try to settle every argument with the words "you're just not being logical"

"I'm just chilling at home" = I'm frantically looking through Tinder

"I'm just having a quiet night in" = I am always having a quiet night in because I am so very lonely

"I'm just relaxing with my dog" = If you don't love me, please love my dog

"I'm just relaxing with my cat" = My cat will NOT be happy about me bringing a strange person back home

"I'm just hanging with my friends" = I secretly hate my friends and will ditch them at the slightest excuse

"I'm pretty toned" = If I concentrate very hard I can make my beer belly disappear for like five seconds

"I'm very fit" = I really like looking at myself in the mirror

"I'm quite athletic" = I smell of sweat most of the time

"I'm a bit of a fitness freak" = I drink protein shakes like they're actually enjoyable

"I'm ripped" = I'm totally on steroids

"I'm warm-hearted" = I'll forward you pictures of sad kittens I've seen on Facebook

"I'm affectionate" = I'll forward you pictures of sad kittens I've seen on Facebook and suggest that we adopt them

"I'm very loving" = I'll literally send kittens to your workplace and won't think it's creepy

"I'm generous" = I would very much like to buy your affection

"I'm kind" = I think I deserve some sort of extra credit for basic human decency

"Looking for friendship" = I am looking for sex but don't want to admit it

"Looking for friendship or whatever else comes along" = I am looking for sex

"Looking for friendship, fun and flirting" = I am looking for a bit of casual, no-strings sex

"Looking for fun times" = I am looking for a massive amount of casual, no-strings sex

"Up for new experiences" = I am looking for casual, no-strings sex while dressed as a labrador in a lay-by on the A14 with a middle-aged man called Gerald filming us

Adapted from the book "Tinder Fails".

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