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5 Existential Cat Poems

Some cats are cute. Some cats are LOL. Some cats are troubled souls who write poetry in the dark as they wait to die. These poems are written by those last cats.

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  • 1) I Am Nothing More Than A Construction Part

  • As I sit here, In this Maple Leaf construction box, For laminate flooring, I have come to realize, That this works as a good metaphor, For my place in the whole world, I am just but one cat, Holding up one part of the total reality,

  • It's totally just like Jenga, If I get taken out it probably doesn't matter, But if enough cats get taken out of the reality-tower, Than the whole thing crumbles, Like the tower of Babylon, Or if you took away one of Big Bird's legs.

  • I am so unimportant as just one cat, But together, we can accomplish some things, Like we can make all the dogs be our servants, Or we could make all the dogs "sleep" forever, Sarah Mclachlan would be angry.

  • I'm going to fall asleep myself now, Thinking about my unimportance always makes me tired, Perhaps this will be my last sleep... If there is such a place, And I know there probably isn't, I really hope it isn't just dogs that go to heaven...

  • 2) There Is A Reality Out There I Am Banned From Experiencing

  • So many years, I have lived with this cone around my face, And I have wondered, What goes on behind the plastic I can barely see through. I feel as if I must be missing out, On a probably beautiful world, So tragically cut off, From a place where I might find happiness. So many days I have spent in wailing sorrow, After the loss of you my dear love, Whose picture I still keep in my cat-wallet, Whose image will never leave my cat-brain,

  • Perhaps there is a reason that I am sheltered from the true reality, Perhaps the machines have blocked part of my consciousness to protect me, Freedom from rather than freedom to, But what could be out there that is so damaging? Can it really be worse than my spectacularly horrid imagination can come up with? Can it really be worse than a three-headed Gwyneth Paltrow Cerebus? Oh god she's the worst...

  • But I digress! Surely the outside world can not be that bad, What lies out there, Just outside what I am conscious of, I just really, really want to know, Just want to eat the fruit of knowledge and get on with my life...

  • Unfortunately the fruit of knowledge won't fit through my cone... Let alone my little kitten mouth, The truth would be too much to handle, Literally not fitting into my head, Perhaps it's for the best though... That fruit looks kind of prickly and sticky which is never fun. What am I going to be known as? The pu cat with the sticky lips?! I don't think so.

  • 3) My Soul Needs To Be Washed Like Dirty Laundry

  • As I think back, To all the terrible deeds I have done, I am starting to realize, That perhaps I am not the greatest cat in the world. As my angst seems to have no end in sight, As if I was looking down a deep well with no light, I have decided I have only one course of action to make it all go away, Will you listen to my confession today? Things I Have Done (That Are Not Good Things)  -Sat on master's lap when master was trying to sleep -Knocked over master's prized vase -Stole an extra kitty treat from the cupboard -Killed a man in cold blood -Purred too loudly when master was trying to watch Party Down I feel much better now that I have gotten that off my cat chest!

  • 4) Society Has Taught Me To Eat You

  • I have made a terrible mistake. Just like the Bluth family except more bloody. Although that one time Anne killed herself was probably pretty bloody. No one really noticed though. I'm probably the only person in the world who did. So lonely being me... But I digress...big time. I'm feeling a bit awkward right now. Like I shouldn't have done what I just did. Gnawing my teeth into your back doesn't seem like such a great idea now. Especially after all we've been through...

  • We were the best of pals. Just like Buster and Lucille. Just like the opposite of Buster and that seal. Feel like I metaphorically bit off your hand and forced you to wear a hook for the rest of your life when I chomped on your sweet-tasting back and caused you to die. That wasn't cool of me. The best of times were had between us. You would ride on my back and I would smile. We would go to the arcade and try to beat the high score on Pac-Man as if high-scores really meant something. What's the worth of being able to dodge pixel ghosts when you can't dodge my hungry hungry mouth?

  • Were you put on this earth just so my stomach would stop grumbling? Seems pretty grim but that's what I've been taught. The Cat Academy taught me you didn't have feelings. So when you told me you loved me was that just a lie? This is ten times worse than when Arrested Development got cancelled... I guess its true what they say... Only the good mice die my mouth.

  • 5) As My Head Was Trapped On The Other Side of the Door

  • I realized too much, As my head was trapped on the other side of the door, All of my life I have been approaching the completion of some sort of goal, Whether it was becoming a certified accounting-cat, Or hooking up with pu girl-cats, I always had something to strive for, But not as my head was trapped on the other side of the door.

  • And I saw too much, As my head was trapped on the other side of the door, Business-cat orgies, Kitten-cocaine being snorted off the backs of dead dogs, These were my bosses, The men-cats I had striven so long to emulate.

  • As I finally got more than my foot in the door, Reached my goal, I thought I would be happy, But instead I was trapped, My body having to suffer as I left it behind, That's where I kept my heart... But what good is my heart, When I had to leave you behind as well?

  • As my head was trapped on the other side of the door, I realized that I should never accomplish my goals, That too much must be sacrificed, And that the pursuit is where all the fun lies anyway, So cat-baby Im coming home, That is, as soon as I get my head unstuck out of this tiny hole in the door. A little help?