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This Week's "Married At First Sight" Was An Absolute Shitshow

Australia, meet your new villain Jonesy.

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Hi there, it's me again. Did you miss Married At First Sight this week? You seem to really be making a habit of that. Let's talk about what went down.

Other than my social life. Does anyone know when this show wraps up? Asking for a friend.

Sunday's episode: Every couple committed and I was also committed!!!

Ahhh our favourite time of the week arrived. As the voiceover screamed at Australia, "WHO WILL GO?" we were all like, "not again buddy, probably no one, we know what's up now".

We kicked off the night with Sharon helpfully pointing out that her gut says Andrew should leave Cheryl. Sharon's gut somehow missed out on the fact old mate Jonesy is a bit of a dickwad, so it'd seem we all shouldn't trust Sharon's gut. But more on Jonesy being a dickwad later.

In our favourite couple's world, there was a lot of melancholy music being played over Sean and Susan's loving glances towards each other. While painfully in love, the two both can't move from their respective lives and jobs. However, they too, decided to stay. It's better to have loved and lost, than not loved at all. Or something.

Simon and Alene stayed, Nick and Sharon stayed, and Anthony and Nadia had a chance to chat things out with the psychologists. Nadia pointed out how she struggled with Anthony, as he wasn't overly affectionate, and didn't pick up on her cues. Anthony retaliated by calling Nadia frigid. "You can't SAY that," Nadia laughed, while googling "how do I make someone fall off a horse but make it look like an accident". They both decided to stay, for some godforsaken reason. I'm not saying producers are slipping Nadia extra dollars to pretend she likes Anthony, but I'm not NOT saying that if you know what I mean.

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Michelle was back on the "Jesse and I really get along as mates" bandwagon, so it looked like the hint of romance between the two disappeared as fast as Jesse's fake tan. Jesse had his earnest part on camera, assuring the producers that they "really liked each other and want to be together for real", while Michelle was all, "Jesse will make someone very happy someday". BUT for some reason, she still decided to stay, and gently tucked away Jesse's balls in her purse for another week of fun.

Cheryl and Andrew were called up, and Andrew wanted to get the fuck out of there. Cheryl tried to take some responsibility for the rough time with her father, while Andrew sat there and sulked because some strange red-faced Scottish dweeb wounded his manhood. When asked about their problems (being together for two weeks is tough guys), Andrew gave a bewildered shrug. "Maybe I should talk less," he passive-aggressively spat out. After realising he had started to look a bit douchey, Jonesy put his fake "nice guy" mask back on. "Maybe we can make this work," he said, staring at his own reflection. Cheryl chose "stay", so yay, another week of these two hating each other!!

But alas, the episode didn't end there! The psychologists thought it'd be a fantastic idea to separate everyone, and have a girls night out and a boys night in. Not to help foster the marriages in any way, which is supposedly what this show is about, but just for shits and giggs! Of course!

We cut to the boys night out which consisted of KFC, beer, and Andrew badmouthing Cheryl. Classic old mate, good guy Jonesy decided to have a swipe at everything from her hair extensions, to making a joke about her breasts, much to Simon and Sean's ABSOLUTE disgust. It made an interesting cut to the dinner party, where Cheryl was looking on the bright side, telling the other ladies she was hopeful that she and Andrew would get back on track.

Sean, being the precious gem he is, decided to speak up in defense of Cheryl. Jonesy handled it super maturely, by then making fun of Sean and Susan. When asked by Jesse which "wife" he liked better, Jonesy said he preferred runaway bride Lauren over Cheryl. So just when we were all comfortable with Anthony being the villain, Jonesy was all "hold my beer", and showed his true colours. :) :) :) :)


Monday's episode: The fertility window is closing for EVERY woman! Sad!

Sean awoke after the boys night, and decided to tell Cheryl that Jonesy was being a bit of a twat. Cheryl was "soooooooooooooooooooooooooo disappointed", and her and Andrew were shipped off to "psychologist" John's lair, to go see if they could salvage their shitshow marriage.

Cheryl confronted Andrew on the things she had heard, and in a now common Jonesy move, he took no responsibility for being a complete tosspot. "I don't remember a moment where I would've needed to have Cheryl's back," Jonesy said, his boob-grabbing gestures, snide hair extension comments, and leering about Lauren flying clear out of his mind. In a truly psychopathic move, Jonesy then decided Sean and Susan were just too worried about Cheryl, so threw it back onto Sean for overreacting. Psychologist John decided the two needed a "relationship bootcamp", which mainly revolved around the two of them going for lunch, and looking back on the good times they had together. You know, the time they met and they both sang the "Salt 'n' Pepa's here!" bit together. "You actually made me smile once upon a time," Cheryl told Andrew, as though they had been together for twenty years, were two kids down, and had hit their mid-life crisis.

Let's hit fast-forward for a second here on the other couples. Simon and Alene had a lovely family dinner, as did Sharon and Nick, and Susan and Sean.

Andy's mum was a bit shook that Vanessa didn't like cooking, ignoring the fact that her son is quite a whiz in the kitchen anyway. "I don't want one of those career women for Andy," she said horrified that anyone in 2017 might want to focus on a career before they pop out a couple kids and a few dozen cupcakes... hopefully not from the same area of their body.

Michelle also got a grilling about having kids with her man-child Jesse, as though 31 is the age where the trapdoors came down, and both ovaries shrivel up and die, one after the other. "You have a window," Jesse's stepfather pointedly told her, while Michelle was like "yeah sure man", knowing she'll never settle down and have kids with Jesse and raise them in his fruit shop. Man, I hope when I'm 31 some genius has figured out a way for men to have kids so I don't fucking have to ever hear the term "your window is closing" again.

Anthony continued being a charmer, comparing Nadia to a skateboard in a strange, backhanded compliment. "It's like asking Santa for a bike, but getting a skateboard," he told his family and Nadia's sister. "Oh Anthony loved his skateboard!" his mum quickly said. "It's a compliment Nadia," Anthony sighed, as though there never should have been any confusion whatsoever with that analogy.

Tuesday's episode: The most infuriating episode of television ever aired. EVER.

I'm struggling a little where to begin with this, because this episode wasn't funny, nor was it an episode to really make fun of. It was a disgusting shitshow that showed how boys culture is so prevalent in today's society.

Here's the rundown. Andrew's comments at boys night were brought up at the dinner party, and of course, he denied any wrongdoing. He then proceeded to mock Cheryl's voice and accent, because that's what mature 38-year-old men do, of course! When Cheryl asked the other "men" in the room (I use that term loosely) what happened, many sided with Andrew. Nick said it had been a fun night and nothing bad went down, Anthony was all "Jonesy is a GENTLEMAN", and Jesse said while comments were made, it wasn't specific to Cheryl and it could've been "anyone" in that situation. So not only is it apparent that derogatory comments towards Cheryl were made, they could have been targeted at any woman! So that's fine! And let's be real, considering Anthony compared his "wife" to a skateboard, no one should ever believe his definition of what a gentleman is.

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Enter Sean, our beautiful country superhero, who called bullshit, and broke the "boys code" to speak the truth. Of course the little boys didn't like this, and tried to make it out like Sean was being too sensitive. Simon also stepped in to say the situation had been uncomfortable, and Anthony and Andrew both made fake shocked faces. It's like when a toddler is caught with a texta, and there's writing all over the wall, and they still deny it. That's about the emotional maturity of these two men.

Here's where I give mad props to Cheryl – from what we saw on TV, not once did she raise her voice, stoop to the level of putting Andrew down, or say anything vulgar or insulting. She stayed cool, calm, and collected. Meanwhile every other woman in Australia was yelling and throwing shit at their TVs. Or maybe that was just me.

Over in the psychologists creepy lair where they watch everything unfold, they were honestly just sitting there shook. And I swear to god, if they don't unpack the disgusting "boys will be boys" vibe of this episode next week, I am D-O-N-E.

Next week: I can only hope Andrew and Anthony climb into a huge dumpster where they belong.

Andrew and Anthony should just marry each other and then get into the bin where they belong #9married