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    I'm Not Crying At The "Bachelor In Paradise" Finale, You Are

    Oh God, I nearly... believe in love? Key word being nearly.

    Good evening! In the word's of Guy Sebastian: "It's been a long and winding journey. But I'm finally here tonight."

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    And we're going to recap this muthafucking show for one last time, together? Got your wine ready? Good, I'm on my third bottle so catch up.

    Osher dramatically pirouettes in for one last time wearing some suave purple combo, telling us all the couples will get a ring of some sort tonight.

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    Whether that is a commitment ring, an engagement ring, or a burning ring from food poisoning is yet to be determined.

    Uncle Sam and Tara wake up all loved-up, talking about how they like each other's teeth and stuff.

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    Ahhh the fresh bonk lust. I remember that.

    Haha just kidding, Mum! I'm still saving myself for marriage!

    The two stare at each other with googly eyes, talk about how in love they are, and can barely leave each other to even make it to their own commitment ceremony. So that's nice, if you're into feelings and stuff I guess.

    I took a short break while Grant and Ali hopped in a pool and talked more about Ali moving to LA.

    E!

    "I see you in all types of situations," Grant tells Ali. Haha, I bet he means threesomes. Get it? Because Woman's Day or New Idea or Daily Mail or whatever said the couple broke up because Grant wanted Ali to have a threesome with him and his friend. Those crazy LA kids.

    Keira and Jarrod talk about starting their own life together. Jarrod still hasn't started using sunscreen.

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    Keira's still freaked out about their relationship in the "real world". This means Jarrod starts panicking because he doesn't want to be that guy who gets shut down AGAIN. Considering that when they filmed this, he had been dumped by Sophie only a week beforehand and had spent most of that time walking around Fiji. So yeah, this makes sense.

    I took another short break while Jake and Megan talked about their next steps.

    E!

    Jake was still all "I'm falling in love with you", and Megan was like "hmmm nah I think one of us would probs cheat on each other, hey."

    Megan decided they shouldn't go to the commitment ceremony and be forced to become Facebook official, or whatever the ceremony actually means.

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    From now on every time I go on a date, at the end of it I'm going to ask how they feel about a commitment ceremony.

    The two say their goodbyes and Jake feels like an "idiot" who has made the biggest mistake of his life, even though Megan was the one calling the shots here. That really sums up men for you. Bloody idiots don't listen to anything.

    Jarrod gears up to tell Keira he's fallen in love with her.

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    Jarrod feels like a "bull in a gate" and he wants to be released and "smash it out". I think he's referring to dropping the L-bomb, but there's also a high chance he's talking about doing the sex too. In absolutely related news, my therapist won't pick up her phone.

    Jarrod says some weird things to Osher about how he feels like he and Keira are married already. "I feel like I'm her husband," Jarrod says. "Like if the burgers are ready, she'll yell out, 'Jarrod, the burgers are ready!'."

    Sometimes I am rendered speechless.

    Jarrod tells Keira he loves her and she laugh-cries.

    We never thought we'd say it, but these two are adorable. #BachelorInParadiseAU

    I was also laugh-crying, but it was at this tweet.

    Oh yes, Keira also tells Jarrod she loves him.

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    It's weird how these two make me want to spew but, like, in a happy way.

    Next up to declare their love: Grant and Ali.

    E!

    Ali really wants Grant to propose โ€“ because how good is it knowing the guy you've fallen in love with also actually LOVES proposing on reality TV shows like this?

    Lmao, so Grant didn't propose. And Ali was... well... not that happy. She didn't say she hated her commitment ring, but her face looked like this:

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    Ouch.

    More importantly, it was finally time for Uncle Sam and his frullet to not only declare his love to our Queen Tara, but TO GODDAMN BLOODY PROPOSE TO HER, HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS.

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    EVEN OSHER SCREAMED FROM HIS EYEBALLS WITH HAPPINESS. I THINK.

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    Seriously, I have this weird ache in my chest, I think it's my... heart?

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    And to think my ex called me an ice queen!

    Anyway. Just. Watch it:

    We're not crying, you are ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜ญ #BachelorInParadiseAU

    I can't wait to be invited to this wedding. Sam, Tara, I am free for flower girl duties. I know you said Wais on the show, but I think we can share.

    And that's a wrap, folks! I'd say see you next time but, like most of the couples on this franchise, it's time for us to part ways.

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    Yep, this is my last ever Bachelor-related recap for BuzzFeed dot com the website. No, please stop crying. Emotions make me uncomfortable.

    Because I am a glutton for punishment I'm sure I'll be talking all things Bachelor/Honey Badger related on Twitter or Instagram. Or at least just making really bad jokes about being single.

    See you then!

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