Here's Everything That Happened On The Second-Last Episode Of "Bachelor In Paradise"

I sneezed a lot, because I am allergic to love and working on Sundays.

Hi! Hope you had a fantastic weekend. Oh, mine? Well I'm in the office on a sunny Sunday writing this for you guys, so thanks for asking.

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Tag yourself, I'm the crying one.

Tonight's episode of Bachelor In Paradise basically took us through 55 minutes of reminiscing on every couple's journey so far. Oh, and everyone kissed heaps. I kissed the toilet bowl because emotions make me incredibly nauseous.

ABC

It's so nice watching a show where people are "falling in love" and bitterly muttering to yourself lines like, "true love is a farce!" and then choking on the M&Ms you're shoving into your mouth.

Firstly, we were subjected to Jarrod and Keira's last date.

Network Ten

"Can you believe you and I are here?" Jarrod asks Keira. Honestly fam, none of us can.

It takes about 84 years for their yacht to arrive to pick them up, so we're put through a torturous montage of them aggressively making out.

"Keira's pash rash is getting bigger, thank God for makeup!" Jarrod smugly tells the camera, as though burning your girlfriend's face with your stubble is something to be proud of.

Network Ten

Too bad the makeup isn't hiding your lobster-red sunburn, m8.

The two then frolic in the ocean and do things like this:

Network Ten / Via ABC

They eventually have a candlelit chat about their ~feelings~ . "You are different to any other girl I've ever been with," Jarrod earnestly tells Keira. Maybe her shade of blonde is a little different to Sophie's, or something.

Keira wants to hear the L-bomb from Jarrod, and Jarrod wants to say it but he's having intense flashbacks to the last time he told someone in Fiji that he loved them, only to be sent trudging forlornly through the sand. We'll have to wait until tomorrow night to see how that one pans out. You have your whole seat, but you only need the edge!

We checked in with the island's most boring couple for their last date.

Network Ten

Of course I'm talking about Ali and Grant!

The two hop on some bike contraption that's connected to an old train track and make their merry way around the island, with Grant trying to sell the LA lifestyle to Ali. It's harder for Grant to move to Australia apparently, which really makes sense as to why he decided to come find love on a show filled with Australian people.

The two ride around the island for 178 years.

Network Ten

I got bored and tried to start a Bumble conversation with someone instead. They told me they'd rather fight one horse-sized duck instead of five duck-sized horses so I had to unmatch them.

Grant's thinking of proposing to Ali, but only if she says she'll move to LA.

Network Ten

We love a relationship based on demands!

Alas, poor, beautiful, doe-eyed Ali is so under Grant's spell she is actually willing to move to LA. Well, she did once say she'd die for him, so I guess moving to LA is a smaller sacrifice to pay. I think only your soul dies there, but you can still physically exist.

Sam and Tara continue to be disgustingly loved up on their final date.

Network Ten

I nearly hate these two for making me think maybe love does exist.

Sam lets us know he's a huge commitment-phobe and has been avoiding serious chats for the last three years. Ironically that sums up my whole last relationship! Haha! Anyway, Sam's a little pessimistic when it comes to love because he enjoys the honeymoon period then freaks out and realises he'd rather be alone. I never thought I'd relate to Uncle Sam so much in my goddamn life. BRB, styling my hair into a frullet.

Sam tells Tara he can see her as a mother and as a wife, and that she'd only enhance his life.

Network Ten, tenor.com

Honestly, telling someone in a shocked tone they'd "enhance your life" is hugely wanky, but I'll let this one slide, Sam.

The two kiss and are grossly in love, and I guess I'll see you all at the wedding.

On Megan and Jake's date she continues to look at him in a slightly bewildered fashion, as though wondering how she got here.

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Jake's all in with Megan now that he's survived Cyclone Flo and the Canadian Backstreet Boy.

Megan is still worried about being in a committed relationship with Jake because they don't have hugely "intellectual conversations", and she thinks that's where it could get "dangerous". Obviously we've seen this play out before when she hooked up with Howie D's lost-long twin Thomas, so this isn't new information.

I asked the opinion of a relationship expert* as to whether intellectual conversations were important and she said this to me:

"Tahlia. All you have ever done is date 'intellectual' men. Look where that's left you, dickhead. Talking to yourself in a Bachelor In Paradise recap. Megan, maybe it's actually ok to date an idiot as long as he's nice to you."

*I am actually not an expert. Shocking, I know.

Megan is going away for "work" for a couple of months after the show and she's worried Jake will go back to his single Gold Coast ways.

Network Ten

As we've once heard, everyone on the GC has a "Jake Ellis story".

Jake is 100% convinced he can stay faithful while Megan's travelling because he's falling for her. Maybe Jake should be asking Megan a similar question about her commitment to staying faithful to him. Just sayin'.

Jake tells Megan he can't fight the fact he's falling in love with her, and she says "yeah".

Network Ten

Megan looks at the camera with a horrified face saying she's not actually in love with Jake. We know, Megan. We know.

Tomorrow night: The commitment ceremonies! The last episode! Who will get engaged? Who will cry? Who will leave paradise broken?

FOX

Definitely me, this show has broken my mind.