Here's What Happened In The "Man Challenge" Episode Of "The Bachelorette"

Jarrod and Uncle Sam were annoying, surprise surprise.

Did you miss The Bachelorette, or have you given up on it because you're a tired, single, old lady and spend your time distressed that the quality of the men on this show must mean there aren't plenty more fish in the sea after all?

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Maybe that's just me.

Here's what happened.

The men were let out of the house to go on a shopping spree at Roger David. After they all bought the same winter coat, they sat in the courtyard to wait for their date card.

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"I'm not going to whip anything out of my trousers today, gentlemen!" Osher greeted them. Now that could've been a real Double Delight.

The 12 remaining men had to take part in a very manly challenge to prove who was the manliest man in the mansion.

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Sophie rocked up to help kick things off. Challenge number one was a planking competition.

"It's cold and raining, it's not the greatest time to be planking," Mack said, as though he adorably thought there is a good time to do a plank. Uncle Sam barely lasted a minute (lmao, sounds like a sex joke), and Brett, Bingham, and Apollo didn't make the cut to the final eight. Sad!

After an almighty seven-minute plank, Mack won challenge number one. Ahh Mackane, you've done it again.

Yes, I have been waiting seven days to make that joke.

The men then had to change a tyre to prove their balls had dropped during puberty.

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The teams were basically broken into the taller guys vs. the shorter dudes. James, our short king, changed the tyre as though it was easy as changing a baby's nappy.

While the boys huffed, and puffed, and tried to prove their manliness, Jarrod was going to all extremes to get noticed by Sophie. He looked as though he had skolled about 13 Red Bulls before the challenge and was working like an absolute maniac. When the other team WON, he kept going, red-faced and sweaty, trying to change that damn tyre. "It was important for Sophie to see that I didn't spit the dummy, and that I completed the job," Jarrod proudly told the camera. Idk bro, you still lost, so it seems like it was a waste of time.

Round three was a highly important test. Building an IKEA wardrobe. You don't fuck with that shit. I'd literally just pay the delivery man half my monthly salary to get the job done, so I could avoid doing it myself. But weirdly enough, this isn't about me and my lazy habits, haha!

Showing he has the temperament of a baby angel created by Jesus himself, Ryan spent the last minute of the challenge savagely hitting the wardrobe with a hammer. Needless to say, he didn't win the challenge.

Beautiful, sweet James won the single time with Sophie.

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But not before he had to prove he was the manliest of all the men, by building a fire faster than Mack. Also, I 100% viewed this same challenge on Survivor earlier this year. I have my eye on you Channel 10. What's next? Shipping all the men out to an island in Samoa to see how long they can survive, and chucking in Cosima De Vito as an Idol? Free idea for you, tbh.

Anyway, yes, sorry – I got distracted. James and Sophie spent some one-on-one time together, snuggled under a blanket. I know what you're thinking: cold weather + some wine + a blanket = a wristie at least. I don't think it happened.

But guys, I seriously love that James won the "real man" challenge. It just goes to show, one day you can be Friar Tuck, and the next you're the manliest man in the mansion. There's hope for us all.

After everything was pure and good in the world again, we had to deal with Uncle Sam shitting on about his Double Delight rose.

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One day, when this show is over, I'm going to watch the episodes back to back and take a shot of vodka every time Uncle Sam says the words "Double Delight". Please make sure he is arrested after my funeral.

Sophie surprised the guys at the house, to invite Uncle Sam himself out for his first Double Delight. "Oh, what, me, a date?!" he asked in a terrible imitation of being surprised. I'm not sure what happened next because I was too busy sticking forks in my eyes.

Just kidding! They made cupcakes.

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Sophie took Uncle Sam to the kitchen where Tara once admired Matty's sweet tush, and told Sam they'd be making red velvet cupcakes. As Uncle Sam donned a flowery apron, he said he was doing the "best he can right now". Oh diddums, are you OK? Masculinity, so fragile.

Afterwards, the two sat down with some cocktails to discuss their feelings and whatever. Uncle Sam said that when he's on dates, he likes to bring the "magic dust"... which I am SO hoping is not a creepy euphemism. As he talked about how he liked to inject magic into every date, even if it just involved sitting at home and watching a movie, I went back to injecting my fork into my now empty eye socket. Channel 10, I'm suing.

Praise be to Cupid, the two didn't reach the kissing stage of their relationship. For now anyway.

At the cocktail party, Jarrod stuck some pins into a Voodoo doll of Sam, before snipping off a piece of Sophie's hair and asking Apollo to cast a spell on it.

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Jarrod just happened to be the first to greet Sophie again as she arrived. A CRAZY coincidence, some would say!!

Apollo stole Sophie away for some one-on-one time, and presented her with a fork. He worked his magic and bent the fork, leaving Sophie suitably charmed. "Do you want to put your massive arm around me?", she asked. Literally same... Apollo could give me a fork any old day.

Finally, Jarrod found his moment to shine. As he guided Sophie to a bench, he presented her with two pots, so they could grow some violas together. "What if it dies?!", Sophie asked, before telling Jarrod she once couldn't even keep a cactus alive. Open your eyes Jarrod. You're the cactus.

"I don't want to put too many seeds in one hole," Sophie then said. Well, if we all didn't hear that line in college! Jarrod casually told her that the flowers would take four to six weeks to bloom. And once they do, he would like to make love in the bloom of the flowers, as the gentle moonlight beams down on them*. Unfortunately, I'm not sure if he'll make it that far.

*In case you couldn't tell, I made that line up.

We said goodbye to Bingham and his sloth at the cocktail party.

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We barely knew ye, Bingham! Hooroo, toodleloo, farewell on your merry journey! Keep your sloth safe!

Next week: INTRUDERS! IN WEEK THREE! BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY SOPHIE HATES ALL THE MEN SHE'S BEEN PRESENTED WITH!!

E!

They're all going to be over the age of 37, and one said he's even a grandparent. It's really one extreme to the other with this show, isn't it?