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    18 Oct 2017

    ICYMI, Here's What Happened On Episode 9 Of "The Bachelorette"

    The one where Blake touches a nipple.

    Hey there! I'm here to talk to you about our Lord and saviour, Sophie Monk. No, please don't shut the door on me.

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    Anyway, did you miss The Bachelorette tonight or- oh, fuck it, let's just go through what happened.

    We open to da boiz, who are less of "da boiz" now that Uncle Sam is gone.

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    God, the only people I truly want to see on home dates are Apollo and James, the rest can get in the bin.

    Sophie rocked up to surprise the guys with a group date.

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    She led them to where Osher and a new intruder were standing! Actually, it turned out the random guy was a "matching scientist" from eHarmony. Just like how I'm a "matching scientist" on Tinder, except I don't really get that many matches.

    Matching scientist Jonathan was there to determine who Sophie is the most compatible with. "But what scientific experiments does he do to determine that?!", I hear you ask in a curious tone. As it turned out, it involved no swiping, or judging people off their Instagram pictures.

    Whoever won the compatibility tests would win time alone with Sophie.

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    Test number one: The men had to put together a pie chart with their personality traits, and see which ones ended up the most similar to Sophie's. In all honesty, I thought it was a GOOD thing to have different traits to your partner, but love doctor Jonathan seemed to think the opposite. James' high level of organisation vs. Sophie's disorganised personality meant he exited in the first round.

    Test number two: The men had to dress four naked dummies in an outfit that resembled their idea of a "perfect date". "How do I dress a dummy for wine and Thai food?" I asked Siri. She didn't reply. Jarrod got to work, taking off his mannequin's arm first. Surprised he didn't take off the legs so it couldn't run away, haha!! He proceeded to dress it like a 65-year-old librarian, but somehow didn't get kicked out. Apollo's casual mannequin, dressed for a Byron Bay beach date, lost. Hey Apollo, if you need someone to take to Byron Bay for a date, I'm free for the next 52 Saturdays.


    Test number three:
    The men played Perfect Bach. Kind of like Perfect Match, but not because they used the word Bach, instead of Match. Get it? Ingenious, I know. Anyway, I got wildly distracted because Jarrod spelt Maldives like Meldives. Stu who was "feeding bread crumbs to Sophie" so she'd pick him, ended up winning. Someone needs to tell Stu that Sophie isn't a farm animal.

    Stu and Sophie spent some boring time alone together.

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    Stu referred to hometown visits as the "pointy business end" which was super romantic. "I'd love for you to meet my family," he told Sophie earnestly. What does he mean by that though? His four kids? His MP brother? His billionaire father?

    "What's happiness to you?" Sophie asked Stu. "Being settled," he replied. Stu, mate, I settled once, and lemme tell you, never again. Big mistake! Huge!

    "I can't believe someone hasn't snapped you up and treated you properly," Stu told Sophie before lunging in for a big, sloppy kiss.

    Tru luv, folks.

    Blake finally got his single date and got to touch some nipples.

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    More on that later.

    "I know Sophie thinks I'm a bad boy," Blake said in his voiceover, sounding like every teenage guy I went to high school with. You know the ones, that wore a leather jacket once and broodily smoked one cigarette while trying not to fuck up and cough.

    The producers had created a laid-back farm date for Sophie and Blake which involved them feeding baby goats. Blake was actually very good at this, while Sophie kind of drowned her goat in milk. "Look at that stunned mullet that's staring at us, not even moving," Blake said pointing one out. Lmao, I have a name Blake, geez.

    The two then decided to find a mother goat, milk her, and make cheese. "Ugh it's like a giant nipple!," Blake screamed while tugging... on a giant nipple.

    Meanwhile back at the mansion, Jarrod and Apollo did two sit-ups before resting. A tough workout! A job well done!

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    Instead of taking a proper breather, Jarrod decided to bitch about Blake. "I find it good timing that a week before home visits, he's a new man," Jarrod said. I find it good timing that your plant just magically started growing too, Jarrod, but you don't see me saying anything.

    Blake decided to show Sophie his softer side.

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    Well, he mentioned he got turned on milking the goat. And then decided to open up more.

    Blake said that he thinks communication in a relationship is very important, and that he likes to make whoever he's with feel like "the only one". Sophie said she had worried about Blake's "bad boy" persona because she'd been hurt in the past by guys who never wanted the best for her. After this beautiful bonding, Blake finally got his Sophie kiss while a strange band dressed up like farmers serenaded them.

    At the cocktail party, Jarrod mentally wrote a list of the ways he could kill Blake and make it look like an accident.

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    "When Blake showed up, he didn't have a rose and that was exciting," Jarrod said over his enormous erection. Jarrod then ranted about wanting the best for Sophie, and said he was worried she'd end up with a dud at the end of it all. Surprisingly, he didn't take the chance to eliminate himself from the competition, so one may say he's slightly hypocritical.

    At the rose ceremony, a beautiful display of love unfolded.

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    First up, Blake, Stu, and Jarrod all got roses.

    So it was down to my two boyfriends: Apollo and James! Who would get to go on home visits?! Sophie picked Apollo, kicking out James and his beautiful heart with a quick flick of her high-heeled stiletto.

    Apollo and James then said a long, teary, goodbye and I'm so invested in the two of them. I hope they have their own dating show, where they just date each other one day.

    Tomorrow night: It's hometown visits, which is weird, because I feel like Sophie barely has connections with any of these men.

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    But I guess I'm no love expert like eHarmony's Jonathan. See you tomorrow!

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