Welcome back! I need to start this week off by saying I thought this was the LAST WEEK of episodes. Haha! Stupid me!
Sunday night's episode: Psychologist John gave the couples his mystery box.
What do you get when you have a dinner party with two normal functioning couples, a bunch of other strays, and not Jonesy? A normal dinner party! Well it seemed that way until old mate psycho John decided to pop in and give the couples his ~mystery box~. Wait, I mean a random box of "honesty" questions for the couples, not whatever you were thinking, you sick fuck.
Before this happened, the couples sat down to talk about their final date. As each couple gushed about hot air balloons, Luna Park, and boats, Nadia decided to discreetly lock herself in a cupboard so she didn't have to talk about the fact Anthony organised an opera surprise for her, while wearing a suit with NO SOCKS. Anthony was all, "Oh yeah Nadia's not feeling well tonight," while Nadia was trying to see if she could escape through a small rectangular window. She nearly did, but then psychologist John found her, and with a gun in the small of her back, marched her back out to the others.
Meanwhile, Jesse was skolling his wine and staring at his glass as though the door to his heart had appeared inside it. "You're hot," he slurred at Michelle, who looked downright disgusted. So glad these two are giving their marriage a real go. Their banter is heartwarming to watch.
Anyway, back to the honesty questions: In short, Susan said she would move for Sean after all, and "Your Song" blared out (Ewan McGregor's version from Moulin Rouge obviously), and the two kissed, and the show ended.
Monday's episode: Will Andy and Vanessa stay together? Will Simon and Alene have beautiful curly haired children?
Tuesday's episode: The twin fight, and Michelle closes the door.
After Tuesday's cruisy episode, we should have known the twins would bring the drama. It all kicked off when Sharon and Michelle had a fight about Snapchat. Seriously. Michelle added Nick on Snapchat, and Sharon LOST HER SHIT. Here's basically how the convo went:
*Sharon stands flailing her arms around*
Michelle: "Don't get weird about the Nick thing. I have everyone on Snapchat."
Me: "LOL probs everyone but Jesse."
Sharon: "Michelle, I don't follow you on Snapchat, it was a shock, that's all!"
Michelle: "It's Snapchat?!"
Sharon: "Yeah, whatever!"
Me: "Wait Sharon, why don't you follow your twin sister on Snapchat? Weird."
My housemate: "What's happening on that Married show? Anyone left yet?"
Me: "I fucking don't even know what's happening anymore."
Sharon: "You're the one that brought it up!"
Michelle: "It wasn't just a comment, Sharon. It was that look you normally do!"
Sharon: "Yeah, I won't even go there. Trust me mate."
Me: "GO WHERE?! Go there Sharon! GO THERE! Oh shit, or was that Michelle who said that? Fuck."
*One twin storms off down the sidewalk while the other one yells "I'm out of here!" and follows her.*
Sharon and Nick meet up for their vow renewal, which looked straight outta a scene from The Bachelor, with Nick even professing his love at the end of his speech. Sharon decided she wasn't going to make life too easy for Nick, especially after that one time he drank too much red wine. She went on about how they had a great physical and emotional connection, before then throwing in a pensive "however" to darken the mood, while Nick did about three nervous poos. After highlighting Nick's bad boy traits, Sharon steered that ship back around to be like, "lol sike but you have my heart buddy". Because nothing screams "I love you" more than a bit of emotional game-playing so your man knows who's boss. Can't wait to see these two on Channel 9's The Last Resort, Season 2.
Sadly, things didn't end as well in Jesse and Michelle's world. The producers made Jesse painfully read out a letter again, but this time he cut the references to "doors", which made me think he knew Michelle hadn't found his door in time. It was really painful to watch Jesse do his speech, because he kept looking up at Michelle for approving glances. He even referenced her original vows at one point, and gave her such a proud grin, that my heart broke a little. "I love your smile and your laugh," he said, as Michelle stared at him with a grim expression. Finally Michelle did what she should have done seven weeks ago – she tore out Jesse's heart, rubbed it in the sand, flung it into the ocean, and then left him at the altar.