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    Here's What Happened On "Married At First Sight" This Week, LMAO I Thought It Was The Finale

    Did you guys think it was finale week too, or was that just me?

    Welcome back! I need to start this week off by saying I thought this was the LAST WEEK of episodes. Haha! Stupid me!


    Turns out it's not, and none of us are getting divorced from this show just yet.

    Sunday night's episode: Psychologist John gave the couples his mystery box.

    Nine Network
    Nine Network

    What do you get when you have a dinner party with two normal functioning couples, a bunch of other strays, and not Jonesy? A normal dinner party! Well it seemed that way until old mate psycho John decided to pop in and give the couples his ~mystery box~. Wait, I mean a random box of "honesty" questions for the couples, not whatever you were thinking, you sick fuck.

    Before this happened, the couples sat down to talk about their final date. As each couple gushed about hot air balloons, Luna Park, and boats, Nadia decided to discreetly lock herself in a cupboard so she didn't have to talk about the fact Anthony organised an opera surprise for her, while wearing a suit with NO SOCKS. Anthony was all, "Oh yeah Nadia's not feeling well tonight," while Nadia was trying to see if she could escape through a small rectangular window. She nearly did, but then psychologist John found her, and with a gun in the small of her back, marched her back out to the others.

    Meanwhile, Jesse was skolling his wine and staring at his glass as though the door to his heart had appeared inside it. "You're hot," he slurred at Michelle, who looked downright disgusted. So glad these two are giving their marriage a real go. Their banter is heartwarming to watch.

    Anyway, back to the honesty questions: In short, Susan said she would move for Sean after all, and "Your Song" blared out (Ewan McGregor's version from Moulin Rouge obviously), and the two kissed, and the show ended.

    Nine Network

    Haha gotcha! That wasn't the end of it at all!

    Sharon and Nick's questions brought some drama with it, as Sharon harped on about only giving "some of herself" to Nick, as though she was a multi-tiered cake and was dishing herself out one perfect, triangular slice at a time. Basically, she still doesn't trust that when they go home to lead their separate lives, he won't replace her with some other blonde bitty. Nick got quite annoyed, as his mind flashed back to the 95c scrapbook he made her. He obviously wouldn't do that for just ANYONE, goddamn Sharon. "I don't want to be with a big drinker," Sharon said, reminding everyone once again that one time Nick drunk too much and spewed in a bath. “No, fuck ya, I’m sick of these questions,” Nick retorted. Look, we all make mistakes. If I was constantly reminded by my boyfriend of the time I couldn't open an Uber door, and then vomited through my nose when I got home, we wouldn't be together right now. Sometimes you just gotta accept people, flaws and all.

    Jesse's honesty questions had him talking about doors again, begging Michelle to reach the door with him. "Do you feel married?" he asked her. "NO," she said too quickly, and then tried to smooth it over. "I mean, I never want to feel married," she said. "I feel committed to you." Reminder: Michelle is about as committed to Jesse as I am to this show – you try really hard, but it's not your one true love, and you know eventually it's going to end, and you're DREAMING of that day where you're finally free again to go to trivia on a Tuesday night, and catch up with friends without being like, "Ah no sorry, I have to watch MAFS tonight", and before you know it, you're sobbing and shoving chocolate spiders in your mouth even though you're not really hungry anymore.

    In Nadia and Anthony's world, Anthony asked questions while Nadia's eyes fell out of her head and started rolling towards the door. "He's kind of daring her to answer the questions isn't he?!" one of the psychologists said in excitement. "He's almost intimidating her not to," she added with a weird amount of glee, ignoring Nadia's contorted "SET ME FREE" facial expressions.

    Monday's episode: Will Andy and Vanessa stay together? Will Simon and Alene have beautiful curly haired children?

    Nine Network

    Tonight was the kick-off for the "vow renewal" ceremony or whatever they want to call it. Basically all the ladies dress up in white again, approach their grooms at the altar, and the two decide whether they want to stay together or not. Now please don't laugh at my naivety, but I thought this whole 90-minute episode would show every couple and their decision. Turns out we're just taking it two couples at a time! Fun!

    Here's the part where I put on some nice meditation music, and we close our eyes, relax, and skip through a solid 30-45 minutes of rehashing the season so far.

    First up, we have Andy and Vanessa. Andy wrote a pretty beautiful speech, talking about how he wanted to stay with Vanessa. Of course, Vanessa's problem is Andy's introversion. As though that one con outweighs the fact he cooks, cleans, irons, buys thoughtful gifts for her (the goddamn ukulele), and apparently puts a bottle of cold water on her bedside table every night BECAUSE HE KNOWS SHE LIKES IT. This is the point where I lost it. "HE PUTS A CHILLED BOTTLE OF WATER ON HER TABLE EVERY NIGHT," I screamed at the TV, chocolate all around my mouth. "WTF, DON'T REJECT HIM VANESSA!!!!!!"

    I literally thought she was going to, because her speech got a bit like... "hey you're cool but here are most of your faults." Luckily she cleared it up with a, "HOWEVER, I still want to make this work", and the two decided to stay together. / Nine Network

    Simon and Alene were up next and, first things first, Alene looked GODDAMN BEAUTIFUL. This isn't an entirely new fact, but while she nervously waited to see if Simon was going to stay or leave, I think all of Australia knew that if Simon rejected her, our hearts would collectively break.

    There's not much to say other than these two are adorable, and I hope they have beautiful curly-haired children who grow up with a healthy appreciation of Thirsty Merc.

    Tuesday's episode: The twin fight, and Michelle closes the door.

    Nine Network
    Nine Network

    After Tuesday's cruisy episode, we should have known the twins would bring the drama. It all kicked off when Sharon and Michelle had a fight about Snapchat. Seriously. Michelle added Nick on Snapchat, and Sharon LOST HER SHIT. Here's basically how the convo went:

    *Sharon stands flailing her arms around*

    Michelle: "Don't get weird about the Nick thing. I have everyone on Snapchat."

    Me: "LOL probs everyone but Jesse."

    Sharon: "Michelle, I don't follow you on Snapchat, it was a shock, that's all!"

    Michelle: "It's Snapchat?!"

    Sharon: "Yeah, whatever!"

    Me: "Wait Sharon, why don't you follow your twin sister on Snapchat? Weird."

    My housemate: "What's happening on that Married show? Anyone left yet?"

    Me: "I fucking don't even know what's happening anymore."

    Sharon: "You're the one that brought it up!"

    Michelle: "It wasn't just a comment, Sharon. It was that look you normally do!"

    Sharon: "Yeah, I won't even go there. Trust me mate."

    Me: "GO WHERE?! Go there Sharon! GO THERE! Oh shit, or was that Michelle who said that? Fuck."

    *One twin storms off down the sidewalk while the other one yells "I'm out of here!" and follows her.*

    Nine Network
    Nine Network

    Sharon and Nick meet up for their vow renewal, which looked straight outta a scene from The Bachelor, with Nick even professing his love at the end of his speech. Sharon decided she wasn't going to make life too easy for Nick, especially after that one time he drank too much red wine. She went on about how they had a great physical and emotional connection, before then throwing in a pensive "however" to darken the mood, while Nick did about three nervous poos. After highlighting Nick's bad boy traits, Sharon steered that ship back around to be like, "lol sike but you have my heart buddy". Because nothing screams "I love you" more than a bit of emotional game-playing so your man knows who's boss. Can't wait to see these two on Channel 9's The Last Resort, Season 2.

    Nine Network

    Sadly, things didn't end as well in Jesse and Michelle's world. The producers made Jesse painfully read out a letter again, but this time he cut the references to "doors", which made me think he knew Michelle hadn't found his door in time. It was really painful to watch Jesse do his speech, because he kept looking up at Michelle for approving glances. He even referenced her original vows at one point, and gave her such a proud grin, that my heart broke a little. "I love your smile and your laugh," he said, as Michelle stared at him with a grim expression. Finally Michelle did what she should have done seven weeks ago – she tore out Jesse's heart, rubbed it in the sand, flung it into the ocean, and then left him at the altar.

    Next Sunday: Nadia's eyes have a big decision to make, and Anthony talks about horses. Probably.

    Nine Network

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