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Here's What Happened On Episode 11 Of "The Bachelor"

Um, is Jen still hiding down the driveway somewhere? Can we bring her back?

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The girls sat around and talked about how happy they were that Jen was gone.

I can't say I necessarily feel the same.

Simone wondered when on Earth that single date card was going to fall from the heavens, and drop on her lap. As viewers, we all knew the answer was "never", but our darling Simone was still holding out hope.

Osher popped up from where he was hiding behind one of the many oversized lounges in the mansion, to produce a single date card. "The only way to get to know Matty, is by spending time alone with him," Osher told the girls, as though they had just cottoned onto the premise of the show.

Dateless Simone stayed dateless, with Laura nabbing the single date and some tonsil-hockey time with Matty.

On the single date, Matty and Laura decided whether they were star-crossed lovers or not.

They then both drank poison, and died.

Kidding! Matty picked Laura for the single date because he gets excited in his pants thinking about her. "Being in the mansion with so many other ladies, it can feel like a competition," Matty wisely said, about the show which is definitely a competition.

The two went to a psychic who laughed awkwardly at them, and pretended to know if they had a connection. "You're very compatible," the psychic said. "But you need to explore things more." I think she means they should try doing the sex when the cameras are switched off.

Before we knew it, darkness fell and I was another year older, but still as lonely as ever. Oh, but back to the show... Laura and Matty observed some stars and planets while yelling things like, "OH MY GOD", and "WOOOOOOOOW!".

Matty made Laura gaze at a particular star, before telling her it was actually an UNNAMED star, and the two were going to pick a name TOGETHER! Of course, they then role-played as though Laura had given birth to the star herself, and it was their first biological child. "We're going to name a BABY!" Laura screamed with an aggressive excitement. They named their new child a combination of both their names: Mataura. God, I feel so bad for their future children.

Moving on, Matty wanted to break through Laura's wall, because anyone who wants to call their baby star Mataura must not be OK. Well, as any Game of Thrones fans learned on Monday, there is a way to break through walls.

All Matty needs is approximately 100,000 White Walkers and a dead (and now reborn) ice dragon who breathes blue fire for that wall to come crumbling down.

Anyway the two kissed, Matty pulled a rose from his arsehole, and everything was hunky-dory in Mataura land.


Group date: Everyone relived their childhood, and Matty dry-humped some lucky ladies.

Network 10

Waiting to greet the girls was a bunch of t-shirts, with their youthful faces staring out at them. Yep. Because nothing screams romance more than wearing a t-shirt of yourself at the age of four on it. It turned out Simone was a redhead as a kid and she vehemently denied it as though she had been accused of having genital herpes.

Osher told the girls Matty wanted to learn about their past. For example, if they danced naked when they were two, does that mean they would admit that they used to be a topless entertainer? You get the drift.

Here's a breakdown of the games:

Game one: Who can eat a doughnut hanging on a string the fastest! The hard part was the girls had to have their hands behind their back. Cute @ the fact the producers thought this would be a challenge, clearly they've never met me! Simone won the challenge.

Game two: Write down a childhood memory, put it in a balloon, and then pop the balloon sexually on Matty. Please view the above images again now that you have context.

Game three: Pin the heart on the blindfolded Bachelor. The ladies had to pin the heart on the part of Matty they loved the most. While some went for his eyes, smile, and his ~intelligence~, Simone stuck her heart on Matty's penis! Truly!

Pls don't come @ me offended males ranting about double standards, I didn't write this show!!!!!

Game four: Matty (aka the producers) had the girls' individual families send items from their childhood that they used to love. Flo's item was a strange little stuffed toy. "I used to get mad at him and cut his ears off," Flo told Matty, which was a nice glimpse into their potential future. Maybe I'll try that technique on my boyfriend next time I'm mad at him, which will probably be in seven minutes!

Slow burn Elise won alone time with Matty after the group date.

Matty just loved the fact Elise obviously adores her family, and he also loved that Elise spent heaps of time outdoors with her dad as a kid. As it turned out, Matty also wants to spend heaps of time outdoors with his future kids, after he sperms in his chosen lady!

Anyway, the two talked about the importance of family in what looked like the secret garden, because Channel 10 spent the episode budget on Mataura's limo earlier on. They kissed. It was fine.

The cocktail party: Oh god, where is Jen when you need her?

The main theme of this cocktail party was the fact Simone felt unsafe, a newsflash that hit most of Australia weeks ago.

As Matty pulled Tara away for a chat, the camera just zoomed in on the other girls talking about how insecure they felt as they tried to figure out an order of who got to talk to Matty next. Sometimes I imagine these girls lining up to talk to Matty like you would do at the deli at Woolies. Take a ticket, wait your turn, order your shortcut bacon (cheaper there than in all the packaging in the fridge section), and go on your merry way.

Matty took Elora to the secret garden, and she told him she saw their future jetting around the world together. She then promptly contradicted herself and told him she was ready to settle down, so turns out the secret garden chats aren't that seductive and secret after all. Just confusing.

Elise and Laura had a lukewarm debate about who was going to grab Matty next. By this time I was just Insta-stalking Jen to see what she's been up to, and if she ever made it past the Bachelor driveway.

Rose ceremony: Once again the ladies are shocked someone is being sent home, as though they were all just going to live in a commune together and share Matty out across the week.

I mean, it was obvious wasn't it? Farewell Simone. Try not to aggressively touch anyone's peen on the way out.