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    Posted on 27 Jul 2017

    ICYMI, Here's The Drama That Went Down On "The Bachelor", Episode 2

    Some of these ladies are catty.

    Hey, me again! You probably clicked on this post because a) you're obsessed with The Bachelor or b) you couldn't be fucked watching.


    The above GIF is an exclusive image of me after the episode aired. Anyway, let's get to the recap, shall we?

    We kick off with the ladies gathering together in the house looking very natural. They all happened to be in the same room together by fate. Not because the producers told them to be or anything.

    Network 10
    Network 10

    "Guys! Do you reckon there's going to be a date card coming soon?!" one white girl asks. Like fuck mate, you'd hope so, otherwise I'm not sure what the point of this show is.

    Enter, stage right, Osher! Osher tells the girls from time-to-time he'll be bearing gifts, but unfortunately this time it wasn't the Australian Idol rejects banding together to sing "Rise Up". As Queen Tara opened the date card, the girls laughed at each other with their mouths but definitely not their eyes. And the winner was...

    Tahitian goddess, fire-breathing Elora won the first single date!

    Network 10
    Network 10

    Matty whisked her off to Port Stephens, which is near Newcastle, according to Google maps! Nothing screams romance like Newcastle after all. Matty and Elora cheers over orange juice on a boat, signalling it must be very early in the morning, otherwise it'd be champagne... unless Channel 10's budget is truly that dire. We learned a lot about Elora. Like the fact she was actually born in Tahiti but wasn't Tahitian at all. There goes any sign of ethnicity in the Tip Top white bread mansion.

    Even though it looked windy af, Matty and Elora decided to jump in the water and go swimming with the dolphins. As Elora embraced her natural, spiritual earthiness, she latched onto a dolphin and swam away, and that's the last we saw of her.

    HAHA JUST KIDDING. Elora and Matty just fondled in the water. A lot.

    A quick peek back at the house shows Jen shooting her mouth off. "What?" you ask surprised. Oh man, I KNOW, that's so unlike Jen.

    Network 10

    One Tip Top bread girl was having a bitch about Elora. "She SO thinks Matty is her boyfriend," Tip Top said. Jen then decided she was going to "destroy" Elora. At this stage I think Jen doesn't realise she's not actually on Survivor: Mansion, and is a little confused about the aim of the game.

    Of course Jen is the one to find the group date card. It makes sense, because she spotted a producer holding a white envelope, and viciously stabbed him with her saved-up rose thorns until he bled out. Turns out he was just holding some instructions about the standing order of the next elimination and that the date card was just sitting on the table. RIP producer.

    Switching back to fire-breathing, dolphin/mermaid Elora and Matty, a FIRST happened.

    Network 10
    Network 10

    I swear to god guys, this is exciting. Normally the food sits there untouched, but Matty was EATING grapes. On a date. ON CAMERA. The food was being eaten! My mind was blown. Until that moment I thought the grapes were a prop? But he was eating them, and sometimes talking with his mouth full. Anyway, then it got awkward because the two kept staring at each other very intensely, and the sexual chemistry started dripping out of my TV screen. Elora broke the moment by asking Matty about that random Georgia lady who ripped out his heart in Singapore and then ate it for dinner.

    "It's good you're feeling better about it," Elora kindly told Matty, forgetting he was on a show dating multiple women to try and get over that moment. Matty responded by giving Elora a rose, but tbh all I could focus on was the fact it looked like he didn't put sunscreen on while on the boat. Slip, Slop, Slap Matty! And no that's not a sex game!

    Back at the house, before the group date, Jen goes in on Elora.

    Network 10

    Elora was going on about how "real" the date felt, forgetting that she was actually, you know, in a competition to win Matty's heart and abs. Jen and her sidekick Leah decided to mock her, because they got bored filling in their burn book. Simone, our UK marshmallow enthusiast was off the mean girls by this stage and told the camera she hopes Regina and Gretchen get sent home soon. And I mean, same.

    For the group date we got transported back to the '80s, if the '80s were a cringeworthy Woman's Day shoot, filled with jealousy, abs, and Jen looking like a scarecrow.

    Network 10

    The shoots were divided into four and went something like this.

    Jen, Florence, and Matty: This was great because Jen had to stand in the background in a terrible lifesaver get up, while Florence got wet with Matty. In the pool that is. Florence said Jen looked like a "Jewish Banana" and honestly, by this stage the girls are recapping the show better than I ever could. Jen dove into the pool to get in on the action, because of course, and Matty contemplated drowning himself.

    Georgia 2.0, Liz, Sian, Natalie and Matty: These guys rocked an '80s prom vibe, and unlike the previous shoot, seemed to have a really good time. Regina George came in to watch with her posse, and said Liz looked putrid, which you could tell she'd been dying to say ever since she learned the word at the first cocktail party. Unsurprisingly Matty had a great time with Georgia 2.0.

    Simone, Cobie, Tara and Matty: These guys did a "high school jock and his cheerleaders" style shoot. As Matty was lifted up by the three beautiful women, I couldn't help but think. What happens when one gets a Bachelor Boner? Do they stop shooting? How do they hide it? It's gotta happen at some stage. Anyway Matty, if you're reading this, email me.

    Oh God guys. The next part was bad. Like, maybe the most awkward TV I've ever seen. And I've watched my share of Love at First Kiss.

    Network 10

    The producers gave Leah the solo shoot with Matty, where she basically had to straddle him on a motorbike and stare into his eyes. Which was all good and fine, until she started making out with his cheek. Basically they had the chemistry of two floppy, dying fish. Anyway, look words aren't going to do much justice, which is why I made that GIF. In the words of Tara, "She pashed, and he dashed... you'd be devoooooooooo!"

    Leah tried to pass it all off as a joke, while Matty... well, he didn't look that impressed.

    Cut to a brand new day. Matty has scrubbed himself vigorously in the shower, and brought over a bunch of muffins for the ladies.

    Network 10

    The ladies cheered and squealed like he had cooked them himself. Maybe he did, but this is also the same guy we watched last night that wouldn't cut an avocado for his mum, so I doubt it.

    Matty's real intentions weren't for someone to butter his muffin. They were just a distraction so he could whisk Lisa away on a tennis date. Their date was nice. Like, it's nice to watch two ridiculously good-looking people play tennis then rub cream into each other's faces in the pool. Anyway, I was more distracted about how bloody good Lisa looks getting out of the pool, like a perfect princess, while I look like Gollum.

    The cocktail party:

    Network 10
    Network 10

    Lisa came back with a rose after her tennis date and splash with Matty, and Elora came to the sudden realisation that, well fuck, Matty was dating other girls. Leah and Jen, being the gems they are, decided to start picking on Elora's emotions. Florence had taken Matty away, and we saw none of that, only her thanking him at the end like they had just finished a job interview. Elora decided to swoop in and steal Matty for some solo time, much to Jen's disgust. "I'm going to wipe the floor with Elora," Jen said. Hopefully someone wipes the floor soon with Jen's face, or her putrid white dress from last night. Either one.

    After Elora and Matty's solo time, Leah and Jen once again went in for the kill, and decided to try and pit Simone and Elora against each other. Elora called them out on their "Bad Blood" behaviour barely blinking an eye, while Jen pondered why she was the one being targeted. God these girls are catty, it's exhausting.

    Pictured: The girls line up for the Rose Ceremony.

    Tip Top

    And another one bites the dust.

    We could only hope Leah and Jen would both be booted, but alas it was Laura-Ann, aka Kim Kardashian's time to go. Good luck out there Kimmy.

    Next week: Game of Bachelorettes.

    Network 10

    The girls dress up in medieval clothes and try to kill each other, because they all want to touch Matty's Iron Throne. Yes, that GIF is a real shot of next week's episode. See you then!

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