Hey, me again! You probably clicked on this post because a) you're obsessed with The Bachelor or b) you couldn't be fucked watching.
We kick off with the ladies gathering together in the house looking very natural. They all happened to be in the same room together by fate. Not because the producers told them to be or anything.
"Guys! Do you reckon there's going to be a date card coming soon?!" one white girl asks. Like fuck mate, you'd hope so, otherwise I'm not sure what the point of this show is.
Enter, stage right, Osher! Osher tells the girls from time-to-time he'll be bearing gifts, but unfortunately this time it wasn't the Australian Idol rejects banding together to sing "Rise Up". As Queen Tara opened the date card, the girls laughed at each other with their mouths but definitely not their eyes. And the winner was...
Tahitian goddess, fire-breathing Elora won the first single date!
Matty whisked her off to Port Stephens, which is near Newcastle, according to Google maps! Nothing screams romance like Newcastle after all. Matty and Elora cheers over orange juice on a boat, signalling it must be very early in the morning, otherwise it'd be champagne... unless Channel 10's budget is truly that dire. We learned a lot about Elora. Like the fact she was actually born in Tahiti but wasn't Tahitian at all. There goes any sign of ethnicity in the Tip Top white bread mansion.
Even though it looked windy af, Matty and Elora decided to jump in the water and go swimming with the dolphins. As Elora embraced her natural, spiritual earthiness, she latched onto a dolphin and swam away, and that's the last we saw of her.
HAHA JUST KIDDING. Elora and Matty just fondled in the water. A lot.
A quick peek back at the house shows Jen shooting her mouth off. "What?" you ask surprised. Oh man, I KNOW, that's so unlike Jen.
Switching back to fire-breathing, dolphin/mermaid Elora and Matty, a FIRST happened.
I swear to god guys, this is exciting. Normally the food sits there untouched, but Matty was EATING grapes. On a date. ON CAMERA. The food was being eaten! My mind was blown. Until that moment I thought the grapes were a prop? But he was eating them, and sometimes talking with his mouth full. Anyway, then it got awkward because the two kept staring at each other very intensely, and the sexual chemistry started dripping out of my TV screen. Elora broke the moment by asking Matty about that random Georgia lady who ripped out his heart in Singapore and then ate it for dinner.
"It's good you're feeling better about it," Elora kindly told Matty, forgetting he was on a show dating multiple women to try and get over that moment. Matty responded by giving Elora a rose, but tbh all I could focus on was the fact it looked like he didn't put sunscreen on while on the boat. Slip, Slop, Slap Matty! And no that's not a sex game!
Back at the house, before the group date, Jen goes in on Elora.
For the group date we got transported back to the '80s, if the '80s were a cringeworthy Woman's Day shoot, filled with jealousy, abs, and Jen looking like a scarecrow.
Oh God guys. The next part was bad. Like, maybe the most awkward TV I've ever seen. And I've watched my share of Love at First Kiss.
Cut to a brand new day. Matty has scrubbed himself vigorously in the shower, and brought over a bunch of muffins for the ladies.
The cocktail party:
Lisa came back with a rose after her tennis date and splash with Matty, and Elora came to the sudden realisation that, well fuck, Matty was dating other girls. Leah and Jen, being the gems they are, decided to start picking on Elora's emotions. Florence had taken Matty away, and we saw none of that, only her thanking him at the end like they had just finished a job interview. Elora decided to swoop in and steal Matty for some solo time, much to Jen's disgust. "I'm going to wipe the floor with Elora," Jen said. Hopefully someone wipes the floor soon with Jen's face, or her putrid white dress from last night. Either one.
After Elora and Matty's solo time, Leah and Jen once again went in for the kill, and decided to try and pit Simone and Elora against each other. Elora called them out on their "Bad Blood" behaviour barely blinking an eye, while Jen pondered why she was the one being targeted. God these girls are catty, it's exhausting.