Here's Everything That Happened On Episode Four Of "The Bachelor"

Someone call the PG-police, because we saw some PRIVATE PARTS.

Hi there. Missed The Bachelor and want to know what happened? The mansion caught on fire and everyone perished.

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Just like Leah, I'm lying. Here's what really happened.

First up: Cobie gets the single date... and don't say I didn't warn you... we see a massive dong.

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Guys, it's the horse's not Matty's. This is a FAMILY show.

Matty invited Cobie because she loves animals, and he loves horses, so already they have a lot in common. He also lets us know he wants to make sure there's a deeper side to Cobie, which is why he's dragged her out in the pouring rain to ride a horse for the first time.

"I wish I would've known, I would have brought carrots!" Cobie squealed. Not sure if she meant for the horse, or maybe Matty just really likes carrots. No judgement here. "Cobie seems pretty surprised there's a horse in front of her," Matty tells the camera. This kind of banter is a set-up for the date ahead guys, just a warning. Look, Cobie seems sweet and all, but the most exciting part of this Saddle Club date was when the horse decided to take a giant piss on camera.

Just quickly, back at the mansion...

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Jen's on a tangent again about eating her feelings because she's not getting enough attention from Matty. Seeing as this is at least the third time we've heard her say this on camera, we can deduce two things: Jen eats her feelings a lot, and also seems to only use one joke, on a constant loop.

While the girls who haven't gone on a single date yet are feeling down in the dumps, Tara cheers them up by comparing them to chicken schnitties. As in, if you eat your vegetables first, and your schnitty last, you're saving the best until last. But to be honest, I find this logic flawed for a couple of reasons. Wouldn't your schnitty get cold? Isn't eating a schnitty first, piping hot with gravy or another delicious sauce a better option? Also, why the fuck are you not getting hot chips with your schnitty? Then you don't even have to force yourself to eat the vegetables first!

Anyway, back to the single date: Cobie shares a poem with Matty, and I projectile vomited all over my living room.

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After Matty called Cobie brave for riding a horse in the rain (so brave! Everyone give up your war medals now! Australian of the Year 2018!), the two sat down to talk about their ~ feelings ~. Matty shared he'd rather be good friends with someone first then have a relationship progress from there, which is interesting considering he's a on a show that basically forces people to say "I love you", at the end of two-to-three months of "dating". Cobie then tells Matty she wrote him a POEM, and oh God I had some massive Rhys flashbacks. Please cut to an ad break Channel 10! I'M BEGGING YOU. Cobie reads out her poem, which is kind of more of a letter, I guess? It didn’t seem to have much rhythm or a rhyme... or overall point. But sure, a poem. For her efforts, Matty rewarded her with a rose.

“I really want to kiss you but I’m scared,” Cobie told Matty. “What are you scared about?” he says. “Like, me going in to kiss you, and you pulling away,” she says, her eyes screaming “REMEMBER LEAH?!”. Matty just nodded and said nothing. Then Cobie was all, “I’m waiting for you to come halfway so I can meet you halfway” and it was all so awkward that I had to scream into a pillow.

The group date: The ladies play "getting to know Matty".

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With Osher standing next to a huge dice, Tara helpfully tells us, "usually when there's a dice around, there's some kind of game". Good to clear that one up. Basically the ladies are invited to partake in a game that will decipher how compatible they are with Matty. Back in my day, we used to play board games for fun, and to win lots of fake money, and to pretend that one day we could actually afford to buy a house or a whole bunch of hotels! Of course Leah pondered, "Do we get to play with Matty?", but guys, she's not talking about the board game! She's talking about Matty's life-size chess piece.

The rules of the game are as follows:

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If the ladies land on the picture of Matty, Matty asks a question. If they land on a rose, Osher asks the girl and Matty a question to test their compatibility and see if they give the same answer. And best of all, there WAS a jail cell the girls could be transported to, so hopefully Jen and/or Leah get locked in there for the rest of the season. There's also some spot on the board where the lucky lady could give Matty a kiss, and another one that involved throwing a pie in another lady's face. Make sense? Great.

Simone was the first to throw a pie in someone’s face, and in an actual plot-twist she chose Liz, not Leah! But apparently because Liz doesn’t smile, she deserved it. Note to self: Watch out for lots of cream pies in the future. Michelle, the cop, was the first one to be sent to jail, but tbh she got to take her wine so it didn't look all that bad.

Stephanie (lmao who?) rolled a compatibly question but not before she did some great, very subtle product placement for Extra gum. Cobie landed on the kiss, but decided to move forward three steps instead of kissing Matty in front of the other girls... which I thought was fair, because Jen probably would have dragged her to the jail cell by the hair, and then dumped every leftover pie on her.

Michelle (who somehow ended up out of jail, idk, I wasn't paying attention) won the board game, while Cobie continuously ranted about how much she regretted not going in for the kiss. Remember last year when someone won a group date, they'd get to spend some one-on-one time with the Bachelor? Yeah forget that. We ain't here to see people fall in love anymore guys. We're here for COCKTAIL PARTY DRAMA.

In a huge plot twist, drama went down at the cocktail party.

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I'm giving you ONE guess who was involved in the drama.

First up though, Flo pulled Matty into "school" (read: scary detention), to give him a Dutch lesson.

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Network 10

For some reason she dressed him up as Harry Potter, while she went for the sexy, but stern school teacher vibe. I think overall this whole thing was meant to be a glimpse into the future foreplay these two could have, but in fact it was downright scary. Like if he got a phrase wrong, I was actually scared she was going to whack him across the face with that cane.

Cue the dramatic murder music. Cobie cut in on Simone's time with Matty, and wigs flew.

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This DEPLORABLE move, which no other lady has EVER done before, got her offside with the Mean Team. While Cobie told Matty she doesn't want to live in regret, all I could notice was he wasn't wearing SOCKS WITH HIS SHOES. AGAIN. MATTY. WHY?!

Leah came in to tell Cobie she upset “a lot of people” and Cobie basically told her to fuck off. OK, so she didn't say that, but she was like "I don't care, give me two more minutes with our man". Of course, old mate Leah isn’t used to being dismissed like the annoying fly she is, and saw red. She went on a rampage to the other girls ranting about Cobie and how incredibly RUDE she just was, and Georgia 2.0 went in and SHUT IT THE FUCK DOWN. A queen in this house of mean girls and morons. This basically just led to a lot of yelling between Jen and Leah vs. Georgia 2.0 and Tara, and Jen was downing her wine like it was water... and, well, same.

Most importantly, the best exchange in the world happened when Cobie returned Matty to the Mean Team:

Jen, voice full of venom: "Hi Cobes."

Cobie: "How are you?"

Jen: *holds up empty wine glass* "Empty."

Cobie: “That’s good.”

Now, I have a burning question: Does Matty get to watch back ANY footage of say, his top four picks? Like surely seeing how they behave when he’s not there at a cocktail party influences his decision? Tweet me, Matty.

The Love Guru unfortunately doesn't find love:

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Yes, we said goodbye to Belinda! Because the Mean Team has at least one more week left to fully utilise their bad girl behaviour.

Next week: Sian loses her shit, Cobie struggles with Matty dating all those other inconvenient girls, and I become a borderline alcoholic.

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See you then!