Here's Everything That Went Down On Episode 6 Of "The Bachelorette"

Surprise bitches, it was me.

Missed tonight's episode of The Bachelorette, or wanted to relive all the fun?

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I snorted at least three times during this episode, FYI. But we didn't come here to talk about me.

We open to da boiz in mourning over losing three of their originals.

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Meanwhile, Jarrod was fuming about the fact maybe one of the intruders would get a first date before some of the original men. Blake threatened to walk if this were to happen, and Ryan looked murderous when he found out his name wasn't on the date card. So basically, just another normal day in the house.

But it was fine because beautiful, sweet James got the date!

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Or Jimmy as he's known to da boiz. It changes, I get confused.

Sophie made James crack the Prosecco before she told him what they were in for. It turned out they were off to do some street performing. It also turned out that James has a real fear of performing in public – as in, he'd legit rather jump into an ocean filled with sharks, which ironically is what I called "going to high school"!

The two made their way to a stage, in a place suspiciously near my work. Thanks for the invite, Channel 10. Instead of singing the classic Bardot hits like "Poison", "These Days", and "ASAP", Sophie instead rapped while James break-danced. "The things you do for love," James yelled out as he pirouetted around the stage with some ribbons. I swear to God, if Sophie doesn't marry this man, I will.

Back at the house, a group date card appeared out of thin air!

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Or Osher's hair! Either one.

The men on the date were sent a school uniform with the line: "It's time to put our relationship to the test." Get it? It's school-themed. Like an exam. Like that "Back to School" night I did once in university where I dressed up in my old uniform, drank too much goon, and ended up – actually never mind, that's a story for another time.

Stu pointed out he left school 27 YEARS AGO, because he's old. For context, please note Stu left school before Apollo was born.

"I think I know a lot about Sophie, and these boys don't have a clue," Jarrod said. Yeah buddy, look, it helps when you've set up secret cameras in her apartment and tapped her phone, chill out hey.

Meanwhile Sophie and James gave each other lovey-dovey eyes over numerous champagnes and candles.

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James was very sweet, and said a lot of nice things to Sophie about how she's important, and how her work is important, and how if she's entertaining people she's doing all the right things. Sophie got teary at this and, lmao same, I started crying into my dinner because I didn't know men could be so nice.

"If you can make one of my biggest fears into laughter like you did today, you can do anything," James said to me, in my fantasy. OK yeah, whatever he said it to Sophie. Thanks for bursting my bubble.

Sophie and James kissed and he got a rose! All's well that ends well.

Well until the group date anyway. Da boiz went back to skool.

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Sophie let the men know she failed every year at school, repeated year 10, and failed it again. "I'm up there with you!", Jarrod said, bouncing up and down on his toes. Literally, Sophie could say she was ovulating right now and Jarrod would scream, "OMG, SAME!!!" without even thinking twice.

Da boiz had to compete in four rounds of competitions, to win solo time with Sophie.

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Here's how it went down.

Test one: Who can fly a paper plane the furthest.

Stu sucked, Jarrod struggled, while Uncle Sam, Blake, and Mack all made some distance. By some miracle Guy's plane did even worse than Jarrod's, meaning two of our intruders left the very first round.

Test two: A basketball shooting competition.

"God, it's funny when you put a pack of guys together in sport," Sophie remarked as she watched the boys get competitive. I mean this could just be said about men playing video games, men playing pool, men just trying to outplay each other at every single opportunity... but anyway. Blake and Mack bombed out of this round.

Test three: A math test.

This was deaset one of the most ridiculous things I have ever seen. I am bad at math. Terrible at it. But the moment when Jarrod said "47 minus 32 is 10", I basically sprayed the water I was drinking all over my screen. He followed it up by saying "560 times 0 = 560", and I was kind of hoping the episode just ended there because it wasn't going to get better than that.

Test four: A spelling bee

The last two men standing, Ryan and AJ, bravely took to the stage. "Which one of you is the most cunning linguist?" Osher asked. I SEE WHAT YOU DID THURRRR.

Ryan's first word was "wardrobe". "Everyone knows I have some anger management issues with wardrobes," Ryan said, as though the time he sledged one aggressively with a hammer was heaps funny, just a joke, and not a terrifying display of anger.

As the two duked it out, AJ tossed the game on the word "cuisine". "Q-u-i-z," AJ said. I mean for fucks sake, the guy is a CHEF. He later admitted to throwing the game. AJ YOU ARE NOT HERE TO MAKE FRIENDS! THIS ISN'T SURVIVOR! YOU DON'T PLAY STRATEGY! You're here to win a goddamn spelling bee! I mean Sophie's heart, whatever. God, men are stupid.

Ryan and Sophie sat down for some alone time that ended with Ryan storming off in a blaze of swear words.

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Sophie was worried Ryan wouldn't fit in with her lifestyle, due to him being an intensely private person. Ryan basically told Sophie unless he scored a single date, he can't give Sophie an answer about whether he's 100% sure he would fall in love or not.

"I want someone who wants me, so I'll choose them over you," Sophie told Ryan. "I think you need to go off and meet the right girl." Ryan politely smiled, agreed, and kissed Sophie on the cheek, thanking her for her time.

HA, gotcha. He actually stormed off in a huff, swearing like a truck driver, a habit he doesn't actually like in a woman. Sad!

Finally, the moment I had been waiting for. Jarrod went off at da boiz, accusing Blake of pissing in his pot plant.

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Firstly the guys learned that Ryan would not be coming home, because he was off angrily fucking a wardrobe.

Once again, Jarrod was the first to greet Sophie, while the other guys tried to maintain their stiffys after Sophie's arrival in a beautiful red dress. Sophie shared some great news with Jarrod: Her plant was flourishing. Unfortunately Jarrod's wasn't blooming at all. Jarrod's mind was feverishly ticking over at the fact he couldn't grow a plant. "Maybe I gave you more seeds," he said while Sophie looked borderline disgusted at the innuendo. "I put my own seeds in my own hole," Sophie retorted, like the true queen she is.

Jarrod then went to confront the group because he was convinced someone had sabotaged him, and that "really pissed him off". Lmao. Get it? Someone pissed in it and he's now– yeah OK, you get it.

As Jarrod went red-faced confronting da boiz, Stu raised a valid point. "So instead of Sophie having more ability than you in the plant growing department, you think you've been sabotaged?" he asked. The dude's right. Maybe Jarrod's just super shit at growing plants, and Blake's peen hadn't been near it at all.

As you can see, da boiz took the matter of #plantgate very seriously.

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"You can grow grapes but you can't grow a viagra tree or whatever it's called," Blake said about Jarrod's violas.

"No matter what, I will never give up on my plant," Jarrod fumed. "I'll put it out in the sun, I'll keep watering it!" Honestly not sure if Jarrod is talking about the plant or Sophie at this stage.

We said goodbye to a guy. In fact, it was Guy!

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I don't have much to say about this, tbh.

Next week: The men dress up in onesies, and #plantgate is still not over.

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I can't stop sniggering.