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37 Things That Happen On Literally Every Episode Of "The Bachelor"

No, seriously, where does Osher keep those date cards?

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1. Osher pulls a date card from his nether regions.

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2. The ladies scream with excitement, as though this was a shocking new development and they thought Osher had just popped by for a cup of tea.

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3. Someone gets a single date and the others pretend to be really happy for her.

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4. Then someone bitches about her in their one-on-one time with the producers.

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5. The Bachelor rocks up in either a fancy car, on a horse, on a camel, on a boat, etc. to pick up the lady who won the single date.

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6. The other girls sit around the house wondering if they'll be on the group date.

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7. Suddenly, one of them finds the group date card!! She proceeds to dramatically read out the names of everyone attending.

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8. The ladies scream with excitement upon hearing their names called out.

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9. We jump back to the single date. The Bachelor and his chosen lady have done a fun "activity" and are now drinking champagne.

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10. They've either already swam, got wet in a flirtatious water fight, or are now sitting in a spa.

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11. They talk about their feelings, because the Bachelor wants to see if there's a "deeper" connection there.

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12. The chosen girl opens up about her past relationships, friendships, family life, etc..

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13. Loud, climactic music starts playing, and they kiss.

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14. The Bachelor whips out a single rose from where he's been hiding it up his butt, and gives it to the lady.

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15. She talks to the camera about how she's "fallen" for him.

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16. Ad break... then we're on the group date! It's some weird challenge where the ladies are split into teams and have to compete against each other to win alone time with the Bachelor!

17. They're either dressed in medieval clothes, swimsuits, activewear, or dress-ups of some sort!

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18. Two ladies on opposite teams get super aggressive with each other.

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19. The winning team enjoys champagne and food with their communal boyfriend.

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20. The Bachelor pulls away the one lady he's already formed a strong connection with. They sit elsewhere... and talk about their feelings.

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21. He asks if she sees herself getting married and having kids.

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22. Before we know it, it's cocktail party time!!!!

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23. There's some kind of drama, usually involving the girls and not the Bachelor himself.

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24. While The Bachelor is off schmoozing someone in private, we're stuck watching some catfight that makes no sense.

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25. Someone cries.

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26. Someone yells.

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27. Someone threatens to leave. But then nothing gets resolved.

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28. Osher solemnly tells the girls that the Bachelor only has a certain number of roses, which means one lady (or sometimes two) will be leaving the house.

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29. The girls look shocked and sad.

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30. The Bachelor starts slowly calling out names. The girls who are picked are ecstatic. The ones left waiting look nervous.

Or drunk. Either one.
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Or drunk. Either one.

31. We get voiceovers from the people left in the bottom three, talking about how they don't want to leave the mansion yet.

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32. The Bachelor holds a dramatic pause before calling out the final name.

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33. The girl without a rose tears up, but smiles bravely.

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34. Osher appears to tell her she's leaving the mansion and demands she says her goodbyes.

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35. She says farewell to the Bachelor and leaves one meaningful message as her parting gift.

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36. Sometimes we get a sad limo speech.

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37. But more often than not, we just cut to a preview of the next episode.

Ooooh something DRAMATIC is going to happen! Can't wait to do all this again!
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Ooooh something DRAMATIC is going to happen! Can't wait to do all this again!