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Here's What Happened On The Very First Episode Of "The Bachelorette"

Jourdan, u OK?

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Hi guys! I hope you're all well-rested after six days without a certain dramatic dating show.

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Too bad if you're not, because here's what happened in The Bachelorette tonight.

Sophie's done with Hollywood. Kaput. It's over. Cancelled. All she's ever wanted is a down-to-earth Aussie bloke.

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Well, that's what she said as she zoomed down an empty road in a convertible.

We witnessed Sophie with her parents, and the Monks put on one of the most impressive cheese platters I ever did see. And I don't even like cheese.

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OK, let's move on to the good shit. Meeting our Bachelors.

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Firstly, SOPHIE LOOKS SO DAMN GOOD. Osher asked Sophie what she's after in a man to which she replied, "I really don't care about looks". She's not lying, she did date a Madden twin after all.

Some creepy music played, and just like that our magician Apollo appeared. I was about to write him off very quickly for two reasons – he's 24, and he's a magician. But our boy seems very sweet! "I always thought magicians were nerd-burgers," Sophie said. God, I love her.

Jarrod got some funky music to let us know he'd probably make it into the top six at least, and he also got a background story! Jarrod lives out on a vineyard with his alpacas, so he's looking for a lady-love to crush his grapes. And that's exactly what he and Sophie did. They took off their shoes and stomped on some grapes together. Unlike Matty J, Jarrod actually wears socks. He seemed lovely and all, but Channel 10, we just never need to see so many close-ups of feet ever again. Please.

Next up was Eden. Oh, Eden. Eden and his horrendous red tracksuit and gold chain. See, he likes hip-hop and had to prove it by bringing a boom-box and dancing for Sophie. If this is what's out there for women, we should all be petrified.

And they kept on comin'.

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Not literally. Hopefully.

James, who kind-of looks like a distant relative of Bradley Cooper, popped up with some romantic music in the background. OK guys, James seems really sweet in a slightly dorky way, and I never want him to get his heart broken.

Sam made his nephews talk to Sophie first, just like in primary school when you'd get your best mate to chat up your crush. "What's the best thing your uncle has ever done with you?" Sophie asked the three young boys. "He took us to Target!", one happily replied. Oh, to be a child again. Finally, Uncle Sam rocked up to take over and Sophie was less than impressed with his hair. "Do you have long hair? Is that a man bun? Did you get it while it was in fashion, or now?" Sophie asked. Lord, give me the sass of Sophie Monk in all future situations.

Jourdan was next, and blindfolded Sophie (ugh, I know guys, so many gimmicks), and disappeared into the house for her to "catch him later". Keeeeeeep it.

We skipped fairly quickly through Luke, Chad, Brett, Harry, and Jefferson. Jefferson brought a pizza box with him, but disappointingly it was filled with rose petals and not actual pizza. God, it's like he knows nothing about what a woman truly wants.

We also flicked through Hayden (who did a dab), and Bingham (I'm sorry your parents kinda hated you).

Mackane aka Mack was next, and said he'd had a crush on Sophie for 10 years. He then whipped out a guitar and sang her a song. The lyrics left a lot to be desired, as he crooned "you" and "me" over and over again. And over again. And again. Mack, mate, ya gotta work on your lyrics. But I guess not everyone can pull out magic like "don't you treat me bad, don't you make me sad, our love could be deep as the oceaaaaaaan".

CUE THE VILLAIN MUSIC!

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Some sexy, villain music appeared for selfie-taking Blake. "I'm nothing like this show has ever seen before," Blake said. Actually, dude, we have seen a douche called Blake on the show before. New Blake sauntered into the cocktail party, telling the guys he "100% nailed her". Ew. Can't wait for him to leave the house in a couple of weeks and then blame editing for his storyline.

Villain number two arrived: Ryan. Ryan is looking for "spontan-uey-ty" in a woman. One could assume he meant spontaneity, but trust me, there are bigger issues to deal with here.

"I'm always looking for love," Ryan told Sophie, his tongue darting weirdly around his mouth like he thought that was seductive. Ryan, please turn around and go straight back down that driveway.

In a worldwide Bachelorette first, a special rose came into play: The Double Delight rose.

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Sounds like a new Tim Tam tbh.

Whoever gets the Double Delight gets not one, but two single dates! That's basically more than I've had in my whole lifetime!

Sophie finally entered the cocktail party, and Osher said it was "SO GOOD" to see her, like he hadn't already seen her an hour or so ago. Before Sophie could even give a speech, Ryan intercepted her and stole her away for some time alone. God, the guys are even more intense than the girls from last season.

As it turned out 26-year-old Ryan wanted to question Sophie about whether she was there for the "right reasons". Ryan, buddy, are you? "I'm skeptical about this whole thing," he said echoing Australia's feelings about him.

Sophie decided to get the guys together to play "Never Have I Ever".

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This game always ends well!!!!

"Never have I ever been cheated on," Sophie said. Jourdan, our hide and seek guy, started crying! But that's not even the weirdest part, fam! He's actually never been cheated on, his ex just accused him of cheating. Lord, I am confused. Men are so, so strange.

Next minute four men, divided into two teams, decided to do a walk-off.

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It was the two with the man-buns vs. the two who... looked like every other white guy. Uncle Sam shook out his dirty old mullet, and got a-struttin'. Hayden, batting for the short-haired team, did some robot moves and went Zoolander on us, ripping out his underwear from under his pants. It's weird how I had ovaries before this show, and now both have shrivelled up and died.

Uncle Sam then did an "undie-run" and jumped into the pool, his voiceover telling us shrinkage could "be a problem" in the cold weather. But it worked for him: Uncle Sam got the Double Delight rose.

We say farewell to two slices of Tip-Top bread.

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Jourdan somehow managed to get a rose, and limped up to accept it. WHY WAS HE LIMPING? CHANNEL 10? DID HE CRY SO HARD HE GOT A CRAMP IN HIS LEG?

We said goodbye to Jamie and Chad. I honestly had to look up those names again, otherwise I would not have remembered.

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