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    19 Oct 2017

    Here's Everything You Missed On The Hometown Visits Of "The Bachelorette"

    The end is so close I can almost taste it.

    Hi there, thanks so much for dropping by. No, don't try that door to escape, I locked it.

    tenor.com

    You're stuck now, so let's recap what happened on tonight's episode of The Bachelorette!!

    It was hometown visits tonight. You know what that means – Sophie had to go meet each man in his respective hometown, and woo his family in order to convince the man she's the "one".

    Bravo

    Hometown visit number one: Jarrod, his winery, and some creepy murder music.

    Network 10

    "I've really fallen for Sophie," Jarrod said in a voiceover, forgetting he's only ever had one date with her. In Sophie's world, she's happy to go meet up with Jarrod and his fam because she "adores Jarrod, and she loves wine". So let's just say they're both on slightly different emotional levels.

    Upon seeing Sophie, Jarrod was mainly thrilled to show off the fact he can actually grow successful plants (aka grapes) when Blake isn't pissing on them. Apparently Jarrod uses his family as a "protective wall" because of all the past gold diggers that must've stumbled across his winery in the middle of nowhere and tried to steal his fortune.

    Upon entering the house, Jarrod's mum swiftly whisked him away for some "meal prep" which basically meant grilling him until he was redder than usual. "Forget the food, forget the wine, forget the beer... are you in love with Sophie?" she asked. I was taken aback at this question. Forget the food and the wine?! Woman, are you crazy?!

    "I've fallen for Sophie, and if all goes well tonight, then yes," Jarrod answered with as much emotion as FBI Agent Hotch on Criminal Minds.

    The family sat down for dinner, and Jarrod's dad eyed Sophie off, looking alarmingly like his son staring at a dead pot plant. "I was going to ask Sophie if she'd like to go for a wander down the stairs... to have a chat!" Jarrod's mum exclaimed, definitely not sounding like a serial killer! Sophie's mind was on the same track, and her last words ever spoken on the show echoed in my mind. "If I don't come back, at least I died how I lived... surrounded by wine!" I love this woman, and I'll miss her terribly.

    Kidding! She didn't get murdered or left in a barrel of wine! In fact, Sophie won Jarrod's mother over so much, Jarrod dropped the L-bomb on her before she left. Nothing like seven weeks, one date, and a hometown visit to know who your chosen one is.

    Hometown visit number two: Apollo, his horses, and an overprotective grandma.

    Network 10

    Finally the moment I had been waiting for all night. No, not a glimpse at Apollo's perfectly muscular biceps – but whether or not his family would refer to him as Apollo or Jake during this visit.

    First up however, Apollo took Sophie to do some "horse whispering". "It's so hot watching Apollo deal with horses," Sophie said, echoing the sentiments of every woman (and man) around Australia. Apollo taught Sophie a trick that made horses back away. Sometimes I pretend that I'm doing the same trick to make all the men in my life back away, but then I realise I actually have no men in my life lmao.

    Anyway! My question was answered – his family DID call him Apollo the whole time! How awkward. Apollo's best mate who came along for the ride looked weirdly like his dad, and not the usual best mate of a 24-year-old bloke. Meanwhile his "shit-stirring" grandma told Sophie that Apollo was probably "the best looking boy among the whole lot". Grandma's always right!

    The visit went pretty smoothly, and Sophie even told Apollo she'd miss him! I endorse this, and am excited to see their wedding.

    Hometown visit number three: Stu, his boat, and a couple of sneaky secrets.

    Network 10

    Stu decided to take Sophie on a nice, low-key date on his fucking huge yacht, just like any other normal Aussie bloke.

    "I have a little surprise for you in the back of the boat," he said. I bet you've said that one before, big fella! Haha! Get it? It's a dick joke.

    While it turned out the surprise was seafood and wine, the real surprises were yet to come. As things were looking nice and romantic, Stu decided to tell Sophie he had a vasectomy. It took him about 84 years to spit it out, stumbling over the v-word, before dropping it and running away to get some more wine. After topping up her glass, he followed it up with the fact he's still legally married. A catch! Honestly if he wins this in the end, this show is so rigged.

    After dropping those bombshells, Sophie went to meet Stu's family. "How is Stu different from the others?" one of his sisters asked. Sophie said Stu makes her laugh and, not content with that answer, his family then decided to quiz Sophie on her true intentions. I love the fact they were acting like Sophie was after their royal jewels and $500 million fortune, when she's earned her own money and fame in her own right.

    Stu and Sophie said goodbye with as much passion as a couple married for 30 years, and both went back to their respective mansions to ponder the future.

    Hometown visit number four: Blake, fake snow, and a fangirling family.

    Network 10

    Wow, can we even believe Blake is still here?! I'd say it's been a real progression, but it hasn't!

    Blake said in his voiceover he's there to marry Sophie, so things have taken a real turn since we last saw him. He took Sophie ice-skating, and kissed her while some fake snow fell down on them. Sophie stood with her hands by her side, so things were going very well! I know this, because I'm a body language expert now after watching this show, I've added it to my CV and everything.

    Blake introduced Sophie to his family, and his mum and sister started squealing about how exciting it was to have an "Aussie celebrity" in their home. I've tried telling my family to refer to me like this every time I grace them with my presence, but it hasn't taken off. Yet.

    "I'm not sure if they're excited to meet Blake's girlfriend, or Sophie Monk," Sophie pointed out while his mum and sister picked up her stray hairs to sell on eBay.

    Blake had previously told Sophie that he'd have her back if things got a little tough, so when the hard-hitting questions came out, he helpfully stared at his plate and let her answer them alone. Helpful! "How's Blake different to the others?," his sister asked Sophie. "He makes me laugh," Sophie said, which conveniently was the same thing she actually said about Stu.

    We end with a kiss goodbye, but Sophie's voiceover told us she's still not impressed with Blake not sticking up for her. Which leads us to the most predictable rose ceremony so far...

    Sophie kicked Blake out at the rose ceremony.

    Network 10

    Ahh yes. Blake, my problematic fave. Thank you for your sometimes funny banter, for creating the "pissing in Jarrod's pot plant" storyline, and for looking devilishly handsome in a onesie.

    Blake, however, didn't take the news too well. "There's nothing to say," he said to Sophie when she tried to explain her decision to him. As he stormed off, angrily swearing, all I can say is, Soph, mate, you dodged a bullet.

    Next week: Jarrod tells Sophie he loves her every five seconds, Stu probably does something to make him sound 74 instead of 44, and Apollo chokes.

    CBS

    C'mon Apollo, don't do this to us.

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