Two New People Entered "Bachelor In Paradise" Tonight And Good Lord Will This Show Ever End?

I'm tired!!!

Hi there. Ready for another night of sweat, tears, and drama?

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And that's just me writing this recap!

Tonight two new ladies triumphantly enter paradise, ready to shake things up. Yep, Sasha and Rachael are here!

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Ok, ok. Let's take a refresher. They're both from Richie's season. Sasha was the one who ate a rose that time, and Rachael allegedly made it to home visits.

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In case you also forgot about Richie (same), here's a good refresher for you.

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Cool bananas!

Anyway, sorry. Back to Sasha and Rachael. Sasha seems to be here because she got invited, and Rachael says she's sick of guys ghosting her.

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Same, girl, do you see me getting invited to Fiji? I barely get invited to the bloody pub.

As the women approached, Apollo was all, "I don't even know who these people are!" echoing the sentiment of everyone in the nation watching this show right now.

Keira's given a date card, because the Bachelor editors are clearly trying to inflict some Tuesday torture on us, their loyal viewers.

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Don't get me wrong, I love Keira. But if I wanted to keep watching an on-and-off romance, I'd just call one of my my old friends with benefits.

Keira, of course, picks Jarrod and they go off to play some touch footy with the locals.

"This is EXCITING!" Keira screams, looking totally not excited.

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Meanwhile Jarrod is stoked because he thinks it's a good chance for them to see how they’d go dealing with children. Surely they can just do that on the island by babysitting Leah or Simone for a couple of hours?

Whatever, that was funnier in my head.

"We jokingly talk about having kids, but like joking though, calm down!!!" Jarrod yells at the camera.

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He's just joking, guys! He's joking! He's not serious! He's not poking holes in his condoms right now or anything.

Meanwhile, Rach is chilling with Apollo and Uncle Sam while Simone seethes with jealousy and rage behind her.

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Apollo is very kindly telling Rach that he's respecting Simone and probably wouldn't go on a date with anyone else just yet, while Simone's making stabby gestures behind their backs. Simone has lost the bloody plot.

"Rachael has come in all nervous and quiet, and now she's had a few vodka sodas and it's like a DEMON HAS COME OUT!" Simone demonically screams at the camera.

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After watching a group of them play volleyball, with Rach apparently "flirting" with Apollo, Simone goes to talk to Uncle Sam and Tara about her feelings of jealousy. "I'm getting horrible and jealous," Simone says after calling Rachael a "flab".

This is so not cute. Reign it in, Sim.

Back on Jarrod and Keira's date, Jarrod is basically ready to put a ring on it. "I don’t want to scare her off but doesn’t mean I can’t grow feelings quicker," he threatens.

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As he tells us he doesn't want to scare her off, he also then promptly drops that he wants to have kids, wants her to meet his parents, and doesn't even care which order that goes in.

"I'm struggling to keep everything in!" Jarrod says, about his heart, his desires, his declarations of love, and probably his penis.

Osher comes strutting out of nowhere, looking like a man that is smugly thrilled about causing some paradise chaos. And that he does – he pulls Megan away from the crowd without any explanation.

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Obviously us viewers know that Megan is about to go on a secret date with Thomas, because who the fuck else would it be? We know this because the promo showed Megan kissing someone with long hair, and initially everyone thought it was Elora. Alas, those in paradise do not know this yet at all – Tara thinks Megan's ex Tiffany could be here (now that, I'd tune in to watch), and only Leah seems to think Thomas could be back.

Rachael tells Simone she's into American Jared, and Simone not-so-subtly encourages her to go talk to him.

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"Go talk to him! He's so sweet! Take his clothes off! Spike his drink! JUST STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM APOLLO!" Simone tells her*.

*You know the drill by now. This wasn't a word for word speech from Simone. I just tapped into her thoughts and read her mind.

Rachael and American Jared go frolic down by the water, like two people who have been forced to hang out together because there are no other connections blooming for them.

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Kind of reminds me of my first relationship.

The two seem to get along relatively well, and Rachael asks him if anything's changed since she got there. Jared's all like "wat" because he met her about seven minutes ago, and Rachael's pretty sure that they're going to be paradise's hot new couple.

Leah is definitely NOT impressed to see the two of them playing around in the water. Leah's backup options always get snapped up by other women, goddamn it!

Thomas is back looking all moody by the water, lmao. As he struggles to remember if his father was disappointed in him being a merman, Osher pops up to break his pensive moment.

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"Well, we were all sorry you left!" Osher tells Thomas, who looks rightfully confused, as his impact on paradise was totally forgettable. "You came across the world looking for love, so we wanted to give you a chance," Osher says as Megan sprung out of a cake.

So, allegedly Megan told producers (I assume), that if she had the chance again she'd love to get to know Thomas on a deeper level. So here we are. Regardless of what happens on this date, Thomas is getting a free ride back into paradise.

Megan has jumped from calling Jake "more like a best friend" to saying that maybe if Jake had told her "you're it, you're the girl for me" then things would be different. Megan is not making much sense right now.

American Jared pulls Leah away for a chat and they toast marshmallows by a bonfire. Jared also takes the time to gently toast Leah's heart.

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Leah tells Jared she was jealous of his time with Rachael, and unfortunately it's all too little too late for him, JoJo style. He says he doesn't know where his head is at, but he does want to talk to Rachael more. Leah's pissed off, but then later tells the camera she's really actually jealous because Jared was her rose security blanket. "Everyone wants something to fall back on," she says while also saying Jared was that person for her, until someone better came along.

Leah, hon, I think it's time to make like Michael and get outta there.

Jake is confident that he and Megan will be fine, and tells his mates that he's not a jealous person by nature. "This place makes that happen though!" Simone shrieks.

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Lol.

It turns out Megan is doing extremely fine without Jake. Thomas and Megan have taken to getting to "know each other" in the water which means, yes, we finally see that Thomas is indeed the one Megan was making out with.

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Megan's shocked that tonight didn't bring her any more clarity. Megan, I kindaaaa think that if you’re developing feelings for someone else, it may just mean Jake isn’t your endgame. But then again, don't take love advice from me.

"I've created a really complicated situation for myself," she laments. She has no idea what she wants, kinda like when you want pad Thai but you also want pizza, and you know you can't panic-order both because that's irrational. Imagine trying to panic order between two men. Ew, keep it.

Eventually Megan returns with Thomas, and Jake looks like this:

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DUN DUN, now we have to wait until tomorrow to see what happens!

Tomorrow night: Will Megan pick Jake or Thomas? Will Leah actually leave paradise instead of threatening to? Will I order pad Thai or pizza, or actually just panic-order both?

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