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Um, WTF Just Happened On Tonight's Episode Of "The Bachelor"?


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We opened with Matty throwing himself into the surf to get away from the producers and the last three ladies.

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Going on some long-winded rant about how he could see himself ending up with all three ladies, an aggressively sad violin played over the top of Matty's voiceover.

"Love is what it's all about," he lamented, while the orchestral music indicated someone was going to die in a tragic plane crash, not fall in love. Which I guess what falling in love is at the end of the day, folks... you think it's all fine and dandy, and before you know it the plane crashes and your heart is dead.

Date one: Laura and Matty go paragliding and kiss a lot.

As Matty and Laura zoomed down Sea Cliff bridge I couldn't help but wonder where the fuck in Wollongong Matty was taking her. See, I went to uni in Wollongong. I know there's nothing romantic down that way (especially The Grand Wednesdays). Unless they're going for a burger at Chicko's and heading up to the lighthouse to "talk" I don't even wanna know.

"I love things that are out of my comfort zone!", Laura squealed when she realised she was about to jump off a cliff. Mmmm same. Sometimes I even order pineapple on my pizza, I get wild like that.

After a bit of soaring around in the sky, the two went to a secret garden replica and mulled over their feelings. Matty had apparently been feeling terrible about the picture he drew of Laura on their very first date... you know the one, right? How the fuck could you forget it? So he pulled out a brand new drawing to impress her. Laura was thrilled at the Georgia 2.0 creation in front of her and I'm sure it'll be hanging up in their Eastern suburbs apartment in the near future.

But let's cut to the chase. Laura told Matty she was falling in love with him, and you could TELL he was biting his tongue to avoid saying it back. "It's the best feeling in the world," Laura said. Hon, OK, clearly you've never realised you're up to your free order on Menulog.

Anyway, Matty had his "I'm in love" pink cheeks happening, the two kissed, and he loves her back, I just know it. Let's wrap this shit up.


Date two: Matty picked up Elise on a steam train, which was about as steamy as it got tbh.

As Matty arrived on Elise's platform, the music went into overdrive, as though he had just returned from war.

"I wonder where we're going!" Matty said to Elise, as though they might accidentally end up in Thailand any minute now. As it turned out, they were just chugging along (slowly... ever so slowly), until night fell and they could sit by a campfire.

“How do you feel now that the end might be so close?” Matty asked, once they had been settled with a blanket and some marshmallows to roast. “Yeaaaaahhhhhh,” Elise said. It’s literally like when you ask your partner what they want for dinner. “A stir-fry? Salmon? Burritos?” “Yeaaaaaah.” NO, BUT LIKE, ANSWER THE QUESTION.

Eventually, while the producers pointed a gun at her from behind the camera, Elise told Matty she was falling in love with him. She said it with as much enthusiasm as anyone ordering a salad for lunch. You're just doing what society is pressuring you to do, but you don't really want it.

The two kiss with as much joy and love as a married couple who are staying together for the children, and the date ended. I love Elise, truly, I think she's great, but It's a no from me.

Date three: Matty and Tara went on a seaplane adventure and Tara was really excited.

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When Tara emerges from the dark cocoon of The Bachelor, I need her to bottle her enthusiasm and sell it to me.

The two flew around for a while, taking in the sights of Sydney. "There's Bondi," Matty pointed out, gesturing towards what looked like the CBD. If you zoomed in close enough you could see me pressed up against an office window screaming "HELP ME". But I doubt you had time to zoom in that far.

Eventually Matty pointed out a yacht. "That's gonna be for us," he told Tara. Fuck yeah Matty, it better be, because I'll go down with this goddamn ship, so help me God.

"There's nothing more peaceful than being on a yacht, just listening to the birds," Matty remarked, getting all deep and meaningful. OK Matty, but have you ever tried laying really straight in bed pretending like you don’t exist when it’s 9pm on a Saturday night and you ditched all your social plans? Come back at me when you do.

I got wildly distracted at some stage during this date because I couldn't stop staring at Tara's flawless skin. Girl, what is your routine? How do you not have wrinkles after this stressful show? Please slide into my DMs.

Tara told Matty she could see herself falling in love with him "so soon", and he said he felt like his world was "suspended" as she said it. But apparently we're not meant to have nice things. Oh no. My hands are shaking as I type this next part...

As Alf Stewart would say, "Strewth and fuck me sideways with a flamin' galah" because something bad happened. Something really bad happened.


Matty sat on a stoop at the mansion, contemplating the decision that awaited him, while also kinda looking like he was taking a dump. In his voiceover, he talked about feeling "terrible".

And then... with no explanation...