Missed The Bachelor or decided three weeks ago you were over it?
We opened with Matty throwing himself into the surf to get away from the producers and the last three ladies.
Date one: Laura and Matty go paragliding and kiss a lot.
As Matty and Laura zoomed down Sea Cliff bridge I couldn't help but wonder where the fuck in Wollongong Matty was taking her. See, I went to uni in Wollongong. I know there's nothing romantic down that way (especially The Grand Wednesdays). Unless they're going for a burger at Chicko's and heading up to the lighthouse to "talk" I don't even wanna know.
"I love things that are out of my comfort zone!", Laura squealed when she realised she was about to jump off a cliff. Mmmm same. Sometimes I even order pineapple on my pizza, I get wild like that.
After a bit of soaring around in the sky, the two went to a secret garden replica and mulled over their feelings. Matty had apparently been feeling terrible about the picture he drew of Laura on their very first date... you know the one, right? How the fuck could you forget it? So he pulled out a brand new drawing to impress her. Laura was thrilled at the Georgia 2.0 creation in front of her and I'm sure it'll be hanging up in their Eastern suburbs apartment in the near future.
But let's cut to the chase. Laura told Matty she was falling in love with him, and you could TELL he was biting his tongue to avoid saying it back. "It's the best feeling in the world," Laura said. Hon, OK, clearly you've never realised you're up to your free order on Menulog.
Anyway, Matty had his "I'm in love" pink cheeks happening, the two kissed, and he loves her back, I just know it. Let's wrap this shit up.
Date two: Matty picked up Elise on a steam train, which was about as steamy as it got tbh.
As Matty arrived on Elise's platform, the music went into overdrive, as though he had just returned from war.
"I wonder where we're going!" Matty said to Elise, as though they might accidentally end up in Thailand any minute now. As it turned out, they were just chugging along (slowly... ever so slowly), until night fell and they could sit by a campfire.
“How do you feel now that the end might be so close?” Matty asked, once they had been settled with a blanket and some marshmallows to roast. “Yeaaaaahhhhhh,” Elise said. It’s literally like when you ask your partner what they want for dinner. “A stir-fry? Salmon? Burritos?” “Yeaaaaaah.” NO, BUT LIKE, ANSWER THE QUESTION.
Eventually, while the producers pointed a gun at her from behind the camera, Elise told Matty she was falling in love with him. She said it with as much enthusiasm as anyone ordering a salad for lunch. You're just doing what society is pressuring you to do, but you don't really want it.
The two kiss with as much joy and love as a married couple who are staying together for the children, and the date ended. I love Elise, truly, I think she's great, but It's a no from me.
Date three: Matty and Tara went on a seaplane adventure and Tara was really excited.
As Alf Stewart would say, "Strewth and fuck me sideways with a flamin' galah" because something bad happened. Something really bad happened.
MATTY. KICKED. OUT. QUEEN. TARA.
I haven't felt this much emotion since 2013, when Patrick Reid was viciously killed off on Offspring.
Even Matty was about to cry! But we still don't know why the fuck he booted her out?!
Do I even care about the finale tomorrow night? No. But will I watch it? RELUCTANTLY.
