Here's Everything That Went Down On Episode 2 Of "Bachelor In Paradise"

Apart from the bottle of wine I just drank.

Good evening. Remember where we left off last night? No, this isn't me booty calling you. Much.

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Basically Jake had just side-swiped Davey and asked Flo on a date, breaking the bro-code. So let's chat about tonight's dramatic episode of Bachelor In Paradise, which weirdly is not a show centred on my own personal journey to relax on a free holiday with lots of cocktails.

Michael-not-Malcolm Turnbull reckons it's a dick move from Jake, because dogging da boiz is never a good thing.

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Men are so precious with their feelings, maybe they should try and smile more and, like, not be so emotional all the time?

Meanwhile Jake and Flo go on their date. "I can't remember the last time I did a bush hike," Jake says. "Me neither," Flo replies in a monotone. The sexual chemistry is palpable.

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Flo said she doesn’t fully trust Jake, as the camera cuts to the vision of a snake wrapping around a tree. How fitting.

Jake still has no idea where the rumours about him being the biggest fuckboi on the Gold Coast have come from. Such a mystery that so many girls on the coast would have a Jake Ellis story! Weird that his Instagram used to pimp him out for ladies nights and “win a date with Jake Ellis” type vibes! He must've been hacked!

“She has nothing to worry about, to me it’s absolute rubbish,” Jake says. That's fine, because as long as it's rubbish to only him, that's all that matters. Remind me to use that in the next fight with my boyfriend. "To me, it's absolute rubbish your feelings were hurt when I called you an asshole." Haha, just kidding!! I don't have a boyfriend, that's why I'm literally always free to recap this bloody show.

Flo and Jake end up at their own private little waterfall. “My game plan going into the date is to show her the true me,” Jake says, which actually sounds like a really terrible idea.

Back at the resort, Davey is going through actual torture knowing Jake and Flo are on a date.

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Davey probably shouldn't worry so much though, because Jake and Flo have now had to pop open the champagne to pretend they even like each other that much.

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"It’s good to get away from all the drama,” Flo said, even though all the drama so far has only really come from her and Jake.

The two then go for a swim and get their mack on, so the champagne has done its job and now they finally have chemistry! Tbh, no judgement from me because that pretty much sums up my dating life too – alcohol-induced chemistry. Just kidding, Mum!

(I'm not.)

I'm sorry to break the following news to you, but let's rip off the bandaid. A new man has entered the resort. Normally this is bad enough news on its own, but the rumours are true. Uncle Sam has desperately flung himself through the double doors of paradise.

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Sam reckons we remember him because of the Double Delight rose, not his absolutely dreadful haircut.

Blake and Uncle Sam greet each other with vomit-worthy amount of enthusiasm. "Sick hair, bro!" Blake probably said. "Sick work on coming to paradise and dodging any criminal charges against you!" Sam probably replied.

“I don’t know if there’d be any girls interested in Sam,” Lisa says. Please note she didn't say "any girls here in Fiji". I'm taking it she meant "any girls" ever, and this is why we love Lisa.

Uncle Sam decides it’s time to go chat to Keira because she’s the only girl who hasn’t made a solid connection yet.

Me watching this scene

Uncle Sam has been here for 120 seconds and he's already complaining he's been given the rough end of the stick because he has arrived so late. Uncle Sam has clearly not stopped complaining since that ill-fated Double Delight day.

Flo and Jake return from their date, and Davey is still pissed off.

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“I got a strange sense from Davey that he wasn't happy," Jake says. So many strange things happen to Jake, but he's so innocent and helpless!

“Did you see our friendship sail away on the waterfall?" Davey said to Jake in perhaps the best line of this episode. Jake's pissy though because drama is the thing he hates MOST in the world. Ugh, why does it follow him like this? It's so not fair!

Flo tells Tara and Keira she doesn't want to give Jake a rose, then tells Davey she doesn't want to give Jake a rose.

INTERMISSION: Here's Michael in singlets that don't fit him.

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Laurina saves us from this eye-rolling love triangle to strut into paradise. Since having to deal with the trauma of Blake Garvey and his dirty street pie, she's taken to writing down positive affirmations every day.

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She has a list of qualities she’s looking for in a guy, most of them which make sense until she drops in, “Someone who is a man of God.”

Perhaps you’ve come to the wrong place, Laurina. Unless a sub-par Jesus lookalike called Sam is what you're into. On the third day He rose again, but still couldn't find a hairbrush unfortunately.

Laurina has been given a date card, and proves people can't always change – because she decides to take douchey Blake on the date.

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Maybe she has a thing for idiots called Blake from WA. Laurina, pls, love yourself.

The date involves putting some sort of "healing" mud on each other, but somehow I don't think it'll heal Blake's innermost desire to threaten his exes with revenge porn. The two discuss if holiday romance can even be real. Guys, c'mon, is any romance real? #RTifucrybutagree

Blake went in out of the blue to kiss Laurina, to which she said she "politely" accepted. Ahhh yes. Every woman loves a surprise kiss they must "politely" accept. This is fine.

:) :) :)

Meanwhile, Tara is losing it because of some terrible storyline to do with Brett, the guy who's convinced he's appeared on a season of The Bachelorette before.

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Hmm, how do I sum up this storyline in a way that'll make you care? OK wait there isn't one, so just bear with me.

Brett is with Stephanie, someone who apparently was on Matty J's season of The Bachelor. Tara is friends with Brett and Stephanie and knows them as a couple. Brett is telling everyone he is single, but has no interest in talking to any of the ladies. Tara thinks Brett is hanging around until Stephanie makes it to paradise, so they can have their love story. One producer is SUPER mad at Brett for lying about being single, when he's not. Brett says he's been dating Stephanie for a year, but is still single because it's not, like, Facebook official or whatever. Tara's really fucking confused because she was maybe wanting one of the other ladies to pick Brett so he could be here when Stephanie arrived and get his "love story". The ladies were like, ew no, we're actually here to meet people who want to meet us??? Brett doesn't give a fuck about anything I think, because his face expression legit never changes.

Tara then said she wasn't into game-playing and wants to go home because she's "not built for this" level of bullshit and inconsolably cries. Tarz, hon, is the love story of two no-names really worth your own happiness in freakin' Fiji with free drinks? Drop his boring ass!

Osher pops out of his cryogenic freezing vault to let everyone know the rose ceremony is happening.

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“Being given a rose is a symbol of wanting to get to know someone better, to get closer, to start a relationship, to maybe even fall in love!” Osher says. Sounds fake, but ok.

A cocktail party will precede the rose ceremony, and it will be the guys last chance to “plead their case”. I tried to do this once for all my love interests, but sadly no one showed up. Hahahhahahaaaaheeelp.

Jake pulls Flo aside for some smooth-talking action about how much fun he had on their date.

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Honestly, the more he laid it on, the greasier I think my own hair became.

Davey then has a crack at Flo, giving her some flowers he picked from the garden himself. It's like the grease-monster vs. the thinks-he's-charming schoolboy. What a choice Flo has.

Flo then talks about how hard her decision will be and I get the vibe she’ll be like me when I panic order last-minute at a restaurant. You ask for the salad when what you really wanted was a big dirty chicken schnitty and a bottle of wine that never runs out.

Two guys get beheaded at the rose ceremony.

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Brett's super unsure about what's going to happen because he forgot the premise of the show was to a) be single and b) talk to females, not just the lads.

Here's how the roses went:

Nina gave her rose to Eden, and it's sweet because they love each other.

Leah gives her rose to Mack, who she's 100% not attracted to.

Keira gives her rose to Uncle Sam, who you can also tell she's 100% not attracted to.

Lisa gives her rose to Luke, and I’m so happy for my parents.

Laurina gives her rose to Blake, and my eyes are now stuck somewhere in the back of my head.

Tara gives her rose to Michael, which means so long Brett. We barely knew ye. Again.

And Flo. Well, Flo gives her rose to Jake. No wonder I saw Davey on Tinder on Saturday night.

Next week: Jarrod finally arrives, Keira cries (potentially) over Jarrod, and Flo regrets giving Jake the Snake a rose. Until then...

Twitter: @billraycyrus