Missed The Bachelor, or were too busy trying to meditate and rid unnecessary drama from your life, while watching it with one eye open?
The three girls who haven't been on a single date screamed with hopeful excitement when Osher pulled a date card from his butt-crack.
How some of these girls haven't downloaded Tinder or left the house yet is beyond me.
Elise got the single date and Simone and Jen were just THRILLED for her. Thrilled, I say!
With Channel 10's budget looking dire, Matty picked Elise up in a bus.
As he made his way downtown, walking fast, faces passed, he was Elise-bound. He happily reminisced on that time she took him "fishing" and about how much he loved her dad, Phil.
Elise acted like she hadn't seen a bus before. "This is AMAZING!", she screamed. "WHAT A RIDE!" OK, sure, it was a double-decker red bus, but Elise, sweetie, it's not a Ferrari.
Matty then took Elise on what can only be described as the "Matty's favourite Sydney spots, you better like them or may God save your sorry soul" tour. He asked many romantic questions like, "Have you ever done City2Surf?", while trying to compare their times, because, newsflash!!! Our boy is competitive AF.
# With a quick detour to steal some flowers from an innocent person's front lawn, Matty whipped them out for Elise. "I don't normally give flowers to girls," he said, ignoring the fact that for the last eight weeks that's exactly what he's been doing. Matty was super shocked to learn Elise had never actually received flowers before either. "WHAT?!", he bellowed in disgust, also forgetting two minutes ago he said he never gave flowers to anyone but his mum??? Ugh, whatever.
Back at the mansion, Simone and Jen are sad!! Very sad!! So they acted like it was Elise's fault they weren't picked for a single date.
Switching to Matty's tour of himself, the two jumped off the bus to do some activities.
After the non-kiss, the two decided a boat might be a more romantic setting.
WELL THAT'S WHAT ROSE AND JACK THOUGHT AS WELL, IDIOTS.
"I need to show you something at the front of the boat," Matty told Elise. Oooh yeah, the oldest trick in the book, we've all heard THAT one before. As it turned out, Matty wanted to show Elise a spa at the front of the boat, so the two hopped in for some half-naked canoodling time.
"Today's been great!", Matty said with a tone of surprise, like he didn't expect to have fun with Elise without her dad there. The two then macked on a lot, and I made out with my ice cream spoon while waiting for them to finish.
Matty gave Elise a rose, and they pashed some more. As she put her arms around his neck holding the rose, she took the chance to gently stab him with it. "Game over, bitch," she said, before swan-diving off the boat into the darkness*.
*Sorry, sometimes when I wait for the kissing to end, I get distracted.
On the group date, the ladies are led to a windy beach and are split into two teams: Samatau and Asaga!
They must then fight to survive in blistering conditions, only eating rice from a coconut!
Actually, what really happened was the two teams had to compete against each other in some ~fun~ beach games to win time alone with Osher. I mean, Matty.
Team one: Elise, Laura, Florence, Jen, and Simone on a sympathy vote.
Team two: Lisa, Tara, Elora, and Cobie.
Look, I'm not gonna lie, the games were pretty boring so here's a quick breakdown.
Game One: Beach Cricket. Elora's really good at catching balls!
Game Two: A thong toss. Elora learned they weren't throwing g-strings, but actual "flip-flops"!
Game Three: Volleyball. Jen found some wildfire and killed everyone!
Lisa's team won the competition, which meant Matty got to cook them some sausages in private.
While Tara was mid-sausage, Matty decided it was the perfect time to drag her away for a one-on-one chat. "I'm conscious you're eating," he said. "But do you want to take the sausage for a quick chat?" NO, GUYS. HE SAID THIS. HE LITERALLY SAID THIS. HE ALSO BROUGHT HIS SAUSAGE FOR A QUICK CHAT, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;)
Anyway, Tara took him up on his word, and he was shocked she actually brought her half-eaten sausage along. Um, obviously Matty, you dumb idiot. Girl's gotta have her food and her man. The two talked about their feelings, their feelings about sausages, and snuck in a sneaky pash.
Meanwhile, Lisa told the girls at the table that she felt like she was falling a bit behind in the race to Matty's heart and abs. Which honestly seemed fair, because it was 84 years ago that they frolicked in the pool and we've barely seen her since.
Guys listen up. Something different happened at tonight's cocktail party. There was... DRAMA.
Jen found solace in dateless girl number two, Simone, and decided it was the perfect time to throw Lisa under the bus. In a move absolutely not producer-driven, Matty came up and decided for once in his life, he wanted to talk to Jen one-on-one.
The bombshell? Jen told Matty that Lisa saw him as a "brother" and said he was only on the show to keep his "social status up". When Jen comes back from her chat looking like someone just kicked her firstborn, the girls thought that perhaps she had done a Sharlene and had been kicked out.
However, in a perfectly edited cut, Matty soon followed and grabbed Lisa for a chat to see what the hell was going down. Lisa raised the valid point that because she's only had limited time with Matty, she's not... you know, in love with him yet. The social status thing? She's either not said it, or is good at pretending she didn't.
Nearby, Laura and Elora were casually eavesdropping on the conversation, and quietly called bullshit on Lisa saying that. Then Elise went to Jen's face to call bullshit on her. Look, there was just a lot of bullshit happening. Eventually Jen turned on the waterworks. "I didn't do it to be nasty, I didn't do it in a MALICIOUS WAY," she wailed through her crocodile tears.
Jen then stormed off away from all the "bitches" in the house. "I'm so over these BITCHES," she cried to a producer. But then she was able to gloat through her tears. "I know what I did was gamechanging," she said. What? Did I miss something? Has the "game" changed? Did I fall asleep? Because all I saw was some petty fighting and fake tears. But what would I know, I'm just an old lady.
We end on a night we all saw coming. Jen left the mansion. But she decided to get the fuck out of there "herself".
Next week: Simone "nearly dies" in an effort to impress Matty.
